The universe is actually a very small place. Of course,
if you said that on Earth before the invention of the Lockwood
Speed Drive (known hereafter as the LSD), you would have been
scoffed at and ridiculed. For millions of years beings of all
sizes, shapes, and colors have been going out a-visiting,
spanning hundreds of light years in the blink of an eye.
Earthlings, always suspicious and superstitious, spurned these
visitations and made the visitors unwelcome. The rest of the
universe viewed Earth as a bunch of backward warmongers. And
they were right. Kim Lockwood came along and changed all that.
The divine Miss Lockwood was a student at Ohio State
University, a college in the northern half of the Western
Hemisphere of Earth. She was far from being a rocket scientist,
in fact, that was the farthest thing from her goals. Kim was
enrolled at Ohio State to get a quality education, and she was
also there to experience life. There wasn't a party that was
unknown to her, not a beer that wasn't her friend. It was at
such a party, after she had communed with many of those friends,
that she made the most giant step for mankind. It was at the
Fiji fraternity house at Ohio State, long a bastion of academic
excellence (not!) that the fateful events unfolded.
The brothers Chad and Brett Lockwood, (no relation to Kim,
at this point in the continuim called time) were both residents
of that now hallowed house. With the end of their spring quarter
rolling up quickly, both brothers were working on science
projects they needed to pass (if they wanted to continue their
second childhood at the college). Chad was taking a chemistry
class and Brett was in physics. Why they shared a room at college
was anyone's guess, they had complained about just that thing
during their adolescence. Their good scientific intentions were
lost in the fact that the Fiji Island soiree was scheduled for
this weekend.
Not being one to miss a party, the divine Kimberly was
among the first to arrive, grass skirt and flower blossoms worn
proudly. Now I told you that Kim never met a beer she didn't
like, and she made a lot of friends on this fateful eve.
Unfortunately, while she had the constitution of a Hell's Angel,
she had a bladder approximately the size of a newborn infant.
I'm sure you can imagine the paradox there. As often happens at
parties of this type, the facilities proved to be sorely lacking.
While Kim tried to be a trooper, the bladder soon got the best
of her.
As Kim waited in line at the bathroom, drinking another
beer and talking to a cute guy whose face she vaguely remembered,
she felt a strong urge to become a poster child for Depends
undergarments. Fate would have it that the Brothers Lockwood's
humble abode was right next to the very restroom she was trying
to access. She stumbled into their room and secured the door,
barely getting her skirt up before she let go into Brett's
physics bucket. A foul stench resulted in the reaction, so
she grabbed the other bucket, which looked like water, and
dumped it in. An amazing thing happened. The resulting mixture
solidified and glowed at such a magnitude that it lit up the
entire campus. Now, I am not allowed to disclose the exact
nature of the mixture, (it is patented by LSD, inc., A wholly
owned subsidiary of Lockwood Ltd.) I can say it was volatile.
After a battery of tests by the most renowned astrophysicists
the world over, the mixture was deemed a miracle, the perfect fuel
to energize the world. It not only made obsolete fossil fuels, it
lessened the need for lumber and atomic fuels as well. The
Lockwood fuel was non-toxic, long lasting, and best of all, if
it started getting weak, you could pee on it to make it strong
again. What resource could be more plentiful than the wastewater
of four billion people? The three young Lockwoods profited from
this accidental invention enormously, not to mention many years
spent in therapy and rehab clinics, but this story is not about
them.
In spite of all the other benefits that the Lockwood fuel
had for humankind, the biggest and most tangible benefit was that
it brought space travel within the realm of possibility. Those
same astrophysicists that tested the fuel for practical uses
literally salivated over the prospects of interstellar travel.
It took six years for the world's finest minds, the ones who
applied themselves, that is, to design the vessel to take full
advantage of the versatility of the Lockwood fuel. The combined
resources of the world's countries went into building the
Lockwood One, the flagship (only ship) of Earth's space fleet.
Exhaustive tests went into its design.
Next on the agenda was to pick the appropriate crew. A
strong sentiment was there to send one of the three Lockwoods,
but as I said this story isn't about them. Inebriation and
interstellar travel may be near each other in the dictionary,
but they're worlds apart in the realm of possibility. A talent
search for the ideal crew was started. It was agreed that Earth
should put its best foot forward and send attractive people to
make a good impression on any alien races they might come upon.
Therefore, hundreds of actors and athletes were interviewed
before it was decided that maybe there should be some substance
included with the fluff.
The Official Selection Committee for the First Earth
Interstellar Space Flight (OSCFEISF) argued long and hard over
the makeup of the crew. Each of the bigwigs had their favorites,
but they finally narrowed it down to a crew of six. It included
a quarterback, (OSCFEISF traded ½ million dollars and a player to
be named later) a Hollywood starlet, a schoolteacher, two
scientists, and an Indycar driver (conventional wisdom had it
that an Indycar was almost like a rocket ship). The crew was set,
the ship was built, the date was set, and the whole world was
anticipating the launch of the Lockwood One.
It was agreed that the honor of hosting The Launch Site would
go to Ohio State, the distinguished institute of higher learning
and birthplace of the LSD. Immediately, bids went out to get the
finest materials, construction workers (yes, they had tryouts), and
new technologies. It was a financial boon for the college, which
garnered profits from concessions, apparel and seating. They tore
out the stands in the south end zone of the hallowed horseshoe in
order to sell seats with an unadulterated view. And no one thought
it strange that they named it the Biscardi Quik Mart One-Stop-Shop
Launch Site.
Four billion sets of eyes were glued on the celebration that
previewed The Launch. It was New Years, Mardi Gras, St. Patrick's
Day, and the Fourth of July all rolled into one. The beautiful
people converged on Columbus to see and be seen. Launch parties
were scheduled worldwide. The world's breweries and distilleries
added extra shifts to meet the expected demand. The Launch was set
for May 21, the anniversary of the brilliant discovery of the
Lockwood fuel.
Coincidentally, the launch date fell on the day after the
annual Fiji Island party at Ohio State. The Fiji's had achieved
much acclaim for their scientific prowess in the interim, and
were determined to throw their greatest bash of all time. Among
the bands that they lined up for the celebration was a local
group of opportunists with the unlikely name of the Interstellar
Travelers. They were a cover band, playing the top hits "just like
they sound on the radio."
The parties started two days before The Launch, as the people
of the world anticipated their coming into their own as citizens of
the universe. Of course, no one knew if they indeed were the only
citizens. They really hadn't thought of navigation, or which
direction they should set out in, or how far they would have to go.
Conventional wisdom told them to set out for the closest star
system and work their way out from there, spreading the goodwill
of Earth wherever they went. The crew had been picked for their
combination of wits, charm, toughness, and looks. It would be a
tragedy if the first contact they had with aliens went bad and
the rest of the universe hated Earth.
The Crew for The Mission was cloistered in the best hotel
Columbus had to offer. It was agreed by everyone that a hangover
would not be a good start for their first foray into the unknown,
so they were sheltered from the world celebration going on around
them. The party raged through its first day, with everyone from
Ministers of the Faith to the President tying one on. The crew
sat by passively, watching the celebration in there honor going
on all around them. As the night went on the crew, conveniently
three men and three women, paired off to get to know each other
(biblically). Who knew how long this journey was going to take?
At some point during the festivities, a large quantity of
champaign was delivered to the crew's suites, compliments of
Biscardi Quik Mart One-Stop-Shop (of course it was later billed
to The Launch). This only helped the crew get to know each other
and loosen their inhibitions. There is nothing wrong with a
little "social drinking." And still the party raged all around
them.
Meanwhile, at the Fiji house, the Interstellar Travelers
prepared to take the stage. The Travelers had developed quite
a following recently. The name was quite popular among the
"in-crowd." There was even talk of a record deal, if they would
only write some songs of their own. As a cover band though, they
were really remarkable. Their songs did sound "just like they
sound on the radio." With the crowd like a crescendo all around
them, Mike, the lead singer and bass player, thought that this
was the closest he'd ever get to feeling like Mick Jagger.
With the inspiration of the surging, celebrating crowd, the
Interstellar Travelers gave their best performance ever. They
played all the old standards of American rock and roll like they
were their own. The crowd danced and swayed, and swilled beer like
there was no tomorrow. At the end of the set, the Travelers felt
like kings of the universe. They were on an adrenaline rush better
than any chemical drug humankind had ever cooked up. As the next
band started to play, the Interstellar Travelers decided to go down
and check out Biscardi Quik Mart One-Stop-Shop Launch Site.
Now as I've told you, the world party raged for a full two
days before the actual launch. When the Travelers reached the
Biscardi Quik Mart One-Stop-Shop Launch Site, they found that
the guards were just as drunk as the rest of the populous. With
a few autographed photos of the band, "for our girlfriends," the
band was allowed inside to tour the Lockwood One. The Travelers
thought that this was almost as cool as having hundreds of
screaming girls in front of them. They checked all the gadgets
and tested out the Space-o-Loungers, patented by that famous
chair company, and soon to be the rage of the football watching
set. The night wore on, the guards passed out, and so to did the
Travelers.
Back at the hotel, the crew of the Lockwood One had gone
through the case of champaign like it was water. They proceeded
to "socialize" amongst each other, in various combinations,
until the crack of dawn. That was when the quarterback passed
out. The entire crew slept right through their flight time,
soon enjoying the wrath of all the peoples (except a few hundred
loyal fans), in all the countries, in all the world. But this
story is not about them.
Launch time rolled around, and to the belated horror of the
bleary eyed mission control people, the crew never showed up to
man the Lockwood One. The hung over desk clerk never made the
wake up call, the limo driver crashed on the way to pick them
up and was charged with DUI, and they slept right through,
dreaming dreams of alcoholic bliss. The clock ticked down on the
launch, and as it struck zero, the band truly became interstellar
travelers. While the band were to become fugitives on Earth, for
the theft of the Lockwood One, the last place the boys wanted to
be was hurtling through space. Who knew how far they would have
to go to find a record company in outer space? What if the rest
0f the universe hated music?
* * * * * * * * * * *
Far away from Earth, in the star system known to us as Cygnus,
was the little known planet called Nativity. Nativity had been
unpopulated until the Age of the Awakening, when the religious
zealots were overthrown and the new Emperor had taken charge of
that part of the galaxy. The Emperor, although a good and
righteous man, as all true leaders are, was also a bit of a
hellion. He was a firm believer that if you wanted your people
to be productive in the work lives, you had to allow them to play
hard in their private lives. Therefore, outposts had been created
throughout his realm to ensure this privilege. Nativity was one
such outpost, situated away from the religious centers, but well
within the trade routes frequented by the Emperor's former cronies.
Much of the galaxy's policies and entertainment were fashioned
after that of our own backward planet. This was not because we were
so advanced, but because we bombard the universe with TV and radio
signals. While roughly forty percent of the galaxy is roughly
humanoid, the majority of them watched with interested to see what
those groovy, freaky Earthlings were going to come up with next.
They howled at Mork from Ork, bayed at Dr. Who, and were terrified
of the X-files. But most of all, they love our soap operas. It was
these soap operas that inspired places like Nativity. You see,
Nativity was little more than a planet sized bordello.
The avid watching of soap operas by the rest of the galaxy had
brought about one change in the behavior of its inhabitants. They
no longer looked on monogamy as a way of life. We taught the galaxy
how to cheat, and more importantly, how to get away with it. Before
the advent of television, citizens of the Milky Way were happy to
pair off with one partner and live happily ever after. TV changed
all that. Now everyone, men and women, Serevs and Ectors, Suarates
and Bundos, just wanted to get laid.
It just so happened that the Emperor was in his favorite
establishment on Nativity when the word came down that Earth,
the poor cousins of the galaxy, had finally launched a space
ship. He listened with great enthusiasm as reports flowed in
about the "hijacking," the "outrage," of those rock and rollers.
While the rest of the galaxy had never learned to make music,
they dearly loved all the different types that were generated
on Earth, yes, even Devo. The Emperor walked out of that
favorite establishment to meet with his star captains. The
sign on the door above his head read, "A Womb With a View."
The Imperial star fleet was actually a motley collection
of freighters and ex-warships from the two-hundred-plus planets
in the Emperor's section of the Galaxy. Since war had been banned
and all the soldiers either killed or sent to the old folk's
homes, these ships were manned, and I use that term loosely, by
a mixture of pirates, adventures, and glory-hounds. The only
reason they were called a fleet was because the Emperor liked
the word Imperial. But they followed his orders when they could
see the angle in it for themselves. Thus it was an impassioned
speech he gave to get them to go after the Lockwood One and bring
it to Nativity.
"As all of you know, a space ship has been launched from
Earth. This is the thing we have long awaited from them. It
will give us an excellent chance to study them without having
to give them anything (it was a long established rule in the
Galaxy that technology was never shared without a price, which
is why the other planets never brought Earth up to speed. Although
there were rumors that Kim Lockwood was not alone in that frat
room that night). But that's not the real reason to celebrate
this event. Instead of the deadbeats that had been chosen to man
the Earth ship, it was instead piloted by a rock and roll band.
"Can you imagine the revenue we can generate if we stage a
concert and send it out on view-per-pay."
"Sir, I believe they call it pay-per-view."
"Whatever. As I was saying, since the only tangible thing
they can give us is music, we might as well exploit them to the
fullest and make as much cold cash as we can off these guys. I
want you to go out and get this ship and bring it back here. If
we don't get them someone else will. The only thing worse than
that is if they float in space until they are too old to play
they instruments. There's a bonus in the offing for the ship
that brings them back." With a roar, the captains of the Imperial
fleet raced to their ships, each determined to bring the Lockwood
One home to Nativity.
The boys in the band weren't exactly having a blast in
space. It took them two days to figure out how to get food
out of the Spaceodair and have it prepared by the space-o-wave
oven. We have to take into account that these boys, along with
millions of other Earthlings, could never master the programming
of a VCR. The only thing they found the slightest bit helpful
was the abundance of mirrors in the ship, a feature designed
for the original crew but was equally appropriate for our heroes.
Young Mike, our would-be Mick Jagger, looked upon his mates with
a mixture of amusement and terror.
Mongo, the drummer, was the most outgoing of the band. He
was a big boy, very energetic, and a constant barrel of laughs.
His contribution to the trip so far had been to search every nook
and cranny of the ship, muttering constantly, "There has to be
beer here. They wouldn't send a crew to certain death in space
without beer." He was also the resident expert in charge of the
space-o-wave oven, since he was prone to binge eating. Drummers
consume a lot of energy in their craft.
Slick Nick, one of the two guitar players, was a loose
cannon. He was apt to throw his pencil thin body into any fray,
any mosh pit. While he had little regard for his body, he
protected his guitar to the death. Though none voiced it, his
band mates had the idea that he actually slept with his guitar.
They didn't like to think about that. His guitar was not the only
thing he slept with, no floozy was safe from his charms.
The other guitar player is Wazu. He was the quiet guy, the
one who made sure everyone was on time, practiced, and didn't get
too drunk to play. Wazu was a thinker, the only one not
intimidated by the technology in front of them. He was determined
to figure out how to navigate this pride of Earth's science. While
the rest of the boys were up for a little adventure, he had an
ulterior motive. He wanted to get back to Earth. He missed his
girlfriend. It was he who suggested they might as well unpack
their instruments. Maybe the new environment would help them
write the song that would get them that record deal. That's how
they came to be playing an extended jam when one of them noticed
that the Imperial Fleet surrounded them.
The captains of the various craft in the Fleet were ready
to torch each other over the right to transport the Interstellar
Travelers back to Nativity. Tempers were flaring until one
captain, the always beguiling Suzanne Vega (no relation,
obviously), suggested that the band and all their gear be divided
up, so that each ship could garner a part of the bonus. The band
was not exactly happy to be split up, especially on the verge of
a musical breakthrough, but they complied in the face of the ugly
weapons and even uglier creatures wielding them. So that's how the
Interstellar Travelers happened to get to Nativity, and the
Lockwood One came to be in orbit around it.
The band expected to be treated as prisoners on arrival at
Nativity. Instead they were treated as conquering heroes. The
screaming hoards had Mike upgrading his expectations to John
Lennon, maybe even the King himself. They were escorted to the
Emperor and made to feel most comfortable. Platters of delicacies
from all over the galaxy were placed at their disposal, women
(once again I use that term loosely) of all shapes sizes and
colors, some even free, were available for the taking. Meanwhile,
the Emperor explained the caper.
"Men, welcome to Nativity, the garden spot of the Galaxy.
All of the luxuries that you can imagine are here for the taking.
Wine, women, food and booze, just ask and it is yours. I want
to talk concert. We can broadcast a show to all the planets of
the Empire, and best of all, we can get rich doing it. You boys
are the biggest thing to hit the Empire since 'The Young and the
Restless.'" With this, the boys looked at each other in
bewilderment. This wild looking blue guy was speaking perfect
English, Americanized, and talking about concerts, and soap
operas, and getting rich.
"You guys just tell me what you need and you got it. In the
meantime, enjoy this place, the best house on the best pleasure
planet in the whole galaxy. By the way I'd like to schedule the
concert for one week from today." With that the Emperor strolled
from the room, his three legs moving in perfect sync. Mike and Wazu
just stared after the Emperor. Mongo dove into a platter of food.
Slick Nick grabbed a four-breasted woman from Ursa 5; he always
was a breast man. It took awhile for the boys to recover from their
shock. Mike finally came to his senses.
"What do you think is going on here, Waz? This place is
pretty out there."
"I don't know Mikey, but this looks like that big break we
were looking for. If this guy is on the level, he wants us to
play for the whole galaxy. And he wants to pay us for it. We
haven't been paid real money since we did that mushroom festival
down at Ohio U."
"This is all happening too fast. Three days ago, we were
doing a frat party to celebrate the launch. Today we're sitting
in some high-class strip joint, planning a concert for the people
of the galaxy. Pinch me and tell me I'm not dreaming."
"If you're dreaming, then I am too, and this is beyond my
widest dreams." Together they picked at the scraps of the
devastated platter that Mongo had left for them. Wazu couldn't
help but wonder what his girlfriend was doing just now.
During the following days, the band got their gear together
and had several practices. Each time they did, they had to dig
Nick out of the arms, or appendages, of some various being that
he was indulging in. Wazu and Mike worked out the play list, and
Mongo made sure there were ample supplies of food and booze to
be had. He too did some indulging, but he couldn't get past his
human prejudices. The band spent a lot of time trying to work
out the kinks in the song that they had been working on when
they were captured/rescued from deep space. They all really
liked the groove.
The boys were staying at the Emperor's favorite house, A Womb
with a View, and Mike and Wazu spent much time talking, yes talking,
to the females in the employ of the house. They learned much of the
culture, and the variety of the galaxy. The history, and how the
entertainment of Earth had affected it, was of much interest. It
was against the stereotype, but these two believed in the concept
of love and honor.
Being as it was, the Emperor's favorite house, A Womb with a
View had a steady stream of new girls coming in almost every day.
The Emperor liked his variety in the extreme. The boys had been on
Nativity for three days when a freighter from Altair came in to
dock. The Altairans were the closest of all species to Earth's
humans, and they had long been ridiculed because of it. Their
women weren't much in demand, and were always available at cut-
rate prices. It was in deference to the boys in the band that A
Womb with a View even hired any girls from Altair. The place
usually had more class than that.
As soon as she walked into the room, Sarafina caught Mike's
eye. Of course, the howls from the other patrons of the
establishment brought his eyes to her in the first place.
Humans were considered the weakest species in the galaxy.
The only reason we were tolerated at all is because there
are so many of us, prolific breeders that we are. Sarafina
was sent to Nativity so she would give up looking for Mister
Right. Her parents had tried to explain that monogamy was a
lost thought, and her stay on Nativity was sort of a summer
camp to get her to enjoy life, as well as make a couple of
bucks in the process.
At the sight of Sarafina, Mike felt that lurch in his
heart that an Earthman feels maybe four of five times in his
life. The feeling of infinite longing. It was as if an electric
shock had zapped him from across the room. She was indeed
beautiful, a light toffee brown complexion, deep brown eyes
and a glorious figure. On Earth, Mike would have seen her as
untouchable. Suffice it to say he was appalled to see her in
a place like this.
Sarafina felt his eyes upon her, but shyness kept her
from meeting his eyes. She walked over to the concierge to
check into the place. Altairans have long been known for
their sensitivity to emotions, so she was aware of Mike's
longing and his revulsion. A blush raced up her neck and
heated her face as she signed the register. She wouldn't
allow herself to look back as she was shown to her room.
She hoped he would forget about her, longed that he would
rescue her.
Because she was brought in just to meet the expected
desires of the band, Sarafina was left alone by the other
patrons in the house. It was fine with her. She had her own
set of values about the dealings of men and women. She felt
that love should be given freely to one person for all time,
and not sold in terms of minutes. This made her peculiar
among the residents of the galaxy, the vast majority of
which thought hours were too long of increments. She flitted
around the edges of the house trying not to attract any
attention from the men who frequented A Womb with a View.
But she too felt the electricity of Mike's attraction.
The boys in the band had been on Nativity for four days
when the Emperor returned. He returned with the amps and
loudspeakers the boys had requested. Suzanne Vega had made
an undercover trip to Earth to pick up the hardware. The boys
were practicing as hard as they ever had. The new song was ready.
They told the Emperor to schedule the show. This was good,
because he already had. On the night before the show, Mike and
Wazu were sitting at a table watching Mongo, who was at the bar
doing shots with a collection of alien alcoholics the likes of
which the boys could have never even dreamed of. Sarafina was
waiting tables and sauntered over to take their order. She had
yet to earn a single Imperial credit in the house, so the
madam put her to work in the bar.
"May I get you gentlemen anything from the bar?" The lilt in
her voice made Mike's heart stop.
Wazu had to speak up when he realized that his friend was
tongue-tied. "Why don't you bring us something mild from the bar.
We have a big day tomorrow, and the whole galaxy is counting on
us to be good." She sauntered away to the bar, and Wazu turned to
Mike. "I've never seen you act like this before. You're usually
pretty smooth around the ladies. What's up brother?"
"I don't know, my friend, that girl just hits me where
I live."
"Well, I was wondering when you would settle down. I was
beginning to think that I was the strange one because I had a
girlfriend."
"Waz, I been envying you for a long time now. You have a
calming influence in you're life, and I been living on the edge
for a long time. But what am I talking about. This chick is a
prostitute."
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