DR. TRUTH SPEAKS
Q: Dear Dr. Truth,
I am having a rough time with my boyfriend. The problem is a small one. Small and hairy....goes by the name of FiFi. That's my boyfriend's pride and joy, a peekapoo. The problem is, FiFi goes out on every date we have. And since we can't take a dog in anywhere that I want to go, we are limited to drive through burger places. FiFi "of course" gets to sit in the front seat, and I ride in the rear. FiFi also gets the most expensive burger, fed to her by hand, while my boyfriend coaxes and PLEADS for FiFi to just *take a tinsy weensy bite, please, please FiFi*. Last Christmas, he showered FiFi with gifts, a new doggy bed, a bowl with her name on it, toys, the works. I recieved a beautiful picture frame with a picture of *you guessed it*...FiFi. And The Worst is that he knew I wanted to go to Glamour Shots, but he took FiFi instead. What should I do?
Sincerely, Jealous of a Furball
Dear Jealous of a Furball,
I can see where you are having a rough time with a boyfriend that has the brain of a dog. You surely do not want to play second fiddle to a peekapoo by the name of FiFi. On your first date you should have not walked away, but ran away. Now, if you cannot leave him, then get yourself a small furry little peekapoo the opposed sex from his FiFi, I presume that this would be a male, and you name him FuFu, and then all four of you go out on dates together, and your boyfriend might let you sit in the front seat with him or you might still have to sit in the backseat, now, with FuFu. Now if you do not like this scenario then drop him like a hot potato and get you a new boyfriend without a dog.
Dr. Truth
Q: Dear Dr. Truth,
I have a huge problem. I have 3 children of young ages. My neighbor seems to be fond of going out nude to get the morning paper. I am concerned for my children's sake. How should I go about confronting him with this problem.
Helpless
Dear Helpless
Well, this huge problem seems to be solely yours, first of all, apparently you must be watching him in order for you to know he gets his paper every morning in the nude, secondly, children don't normally watch the neighbor's get the paper first thing in the morning, and if they should accidentally see him, then you should just tell them Mr. So and So apparently sleeps in the nude, and loves to go outside to get his paper before he gets dressed, and that should be the end of it unless you keep on watching him and drive yourself crazy. Or you could start going out at the same time he goes, also in the nude and see how he reacts? Maybe he has been doing this on purpose to see what you do or say.
Dr. Truth
Q: Dear Dr. Truth
My seven year old daughter thinks she is from Mars. She will tell her friends about how she came to Earth. We, as parents are concerned, and feel we must sit her down and have a long talk. However, we are not exactly sure how to approach her about this when we have this talk. Please help us.
Earth Mom
Dear Earth Mom,
There is really nothing to worry about at her age right now. Children fantasize a lot just like grown ups do just in a different direction. I used to think I was Errol Flynn after I saw one of his movies at the age of 13 and than I would pick a fight with the boys in school the next day still thinking I am Errol Flynn I can't loose and I didn't. Don't you know by now we all came from Mars, maybe she knows more than we do. "who knows".
Dr. Truth
Q: Dear Dr. Truth,
I have been trying to get close to this man for about two years now. I have done some very bizarre things to get closer to him and I am starting to worry that I may be on the verge of going overboard. So far I have peeked through his windows, rode past his job hoping to catch a glimpse of him, dug through his garbage, secretly taken pictures of him, stole his newspapers, and then rang his door bell and acted like my dog stole them and I was returning them, but I don't even have a dog, and a bunch of other stuff that is too pathetic to mention. I put an ad in the paper for his birthday, and a couple of weeks later he wrote to me on email. Then I called him on the phone and we talked a few times. A few weeks ago he suddenly moved, without any warning, and I don't know how he did it without me knowing about it. Must have done it in the wee hours of the morning. I have to sleep some time you know. And I haven't heard from him since. I have been calling his job, asking his former landlord for his new address, but they won't tell me. What should I do?
Lonely and Pathetic, and Maybe Obsessed
Dear Lonely and Pathetic, and Definately Obsessed
You are not only lonely and pathetic, you are *one sick puppy*, and need help. You are not on the verge of going overboard, you have already gone there. Been there, done that. You are lucky this person did not turn you in for stalking and that you are still a free, crazy, lonely , pathetic woman. So, I am telling you this, get a grip on yourself right now honey and get some self-help books to read on "How to properly catch a men" or "How to flirt without harm" or the best way I know is a book on "How to Fish and Catch the Big One". Then you will have a converstaion piece, that you can take to any shore or Riverbank and you will never be lonely or pathetic again.
Dr. Truth
Q: Dear Dr. Truth,
I have trouble dating because I have such foul breath. I am uncomfortable kissing since my breath is so revolting. It is a huge turn off to men, what should I do?
Revolting Breath
Dear Revolting Breath,
Well, you are certainly not alone in this world with this problem. There are millions of people, men, women children, all with bad breath, even animals, with this same affliction. Have you ever smelled a horses breath? It is bade. Real bade. You have to learn to be a real *detective* to solve this problem. You have to get to the root of the problem before you go to a medical doctor. First, buy a breath- analyzer and check your breath several times a day and write down what you eat. If you had a cheeseburger with fries and doused it with a sizzing coke, and your breath zomes up on the scale to real bade, then you eat just a hamburger next time with the same trimmings, and if your breath does not go all the way to real bade, then you know it was the cheese. The cheese is a big offender to give some people bade breath. So therefore to get rid of your problem you must be a detective, find out what is causing it and take care of it yourself.
Dr. Truth
Q: Dear Dr. Truth,
My boyfriend was hogging the remote control *AGAIN*. I mean he just flips past things over and over and over, he never settles on one chanel long enough to even tell what's on, he just flips and flips and keeps clicking and clicking away do you have any idea how maddening that can be day in and day out? *slight facial twitch* Anyway, one day I just couldn't take it any more and I decided I was going to finally just rip that %((&^$%& remote right out of his *(&&%$*((&$# filthy little hand, only that's not what I did, what I ended up doing was braining him with the (&$%^&@$ vcr from behind and saying * I THINK TONIGHT I WILL RULE* Boy you should have seen the look on his face. He never wants to let me do ANYTHING!!! Well, now he is telling me I am a deranged crazy PMS woman but I don't think so..... actually I feel much better. What do you think?
PMS Woman
Dear PMS Woman
First of all congradulations on your courage of letting him have it, since he made the statement that you are a deranged crazy pms woman, let me inform you that this is now the most widespread affliction of woman in modern history and you are allowed to scream, holler, spit and froths at the mouth all without going to jail. So now you know everytime you wan't to be in control, all you have to do is, stand in front of him, extend your hand into his face, and demand: "Give it to me now, Boy"!! and you will never have any more problems with him driving you crazy.
Dr. Truth
Q: Dear Dr. Truth,
A few weeks ago I was at my boyfriends apartment, when one of the straps on my bra popped. When I asked him if he had a needle and thread, a safety pin, or Something I could fix it with, he says "no problem". He went into his bedroom and came out and tossed over an extremely large, very worn bra. I shreiked, "Where did this come from???" It was his exgirlfriends, he explains and denied that there is anything weird about keeping his ex's underware. Is he a pervert???
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed
No I do not think that your boyfriend is perverted. If you were a little older and wiser you would not have written to me to begin with. Just let me tell you this, there is at any moment 100,000,000,000 sexual encounters going on on the planet earth every day and a young male thinks about sex every six minutes, so what do you think he did before you came into his life??? On the other hand, he might be wearing it himself and yes, this would be perverted.
Dr. Truth
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Created: 8/19/97 Updated: 8/20/97