Get your ownFree Home Page> > >Subject: Fw: bumper > > >Subject: bumper > > > >Actual bumper stickers found on actual cars: > >* Horn broken. Watch for finger. >* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. >* All generalizations are false. >* Cover me. I'm changing lanes. >* I brake for no apparent reason. >* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. >* I'm not as think as you drunk I am. >* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. >* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? >* He who laughs last thinks slowest. >* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. >* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. >* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. >* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. >* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. >* I love cats...they taste just like chicken. >* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. >* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. >* Born free...Taxed to death. >* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. >* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. >* Rehab is for quitters. >* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. >* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. >* All men are idiots, and I married their King. >* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. >* Work is for people who don't know how to fish. >* Montana-At least our cows are sane! >* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. >* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. >* If you don't like the news, go out and make some. >* When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.. >* Sorry, I don't date outside my species. >* No radio - Already stolen. >* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. >* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. >* I took an IQ test and the results were negative. >* Where there's a will, I want to be in it. >* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? >* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. >* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. >* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. >* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. >* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. >* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. >* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. >* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. >* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. >* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. >* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. >* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? >* How can I miss you if you won't go away? >* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. >* Give me ambiguity or give me something else. >* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. >* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. >* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. >* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. >* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. >* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. >* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. >* i souport publik edekashun. >* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. >* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... >* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. >*Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? >* Ever stop to think and forget to start again? >* Keep honking...I'm reloading. >* Caution: I drive like you do. >
->> >> >> > SECURITY ALERT VIRUS INTERCEPT >> > >> > Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you >> > must immediately open the window and throw your computer out. I >> > repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected >> > with ANY of these horrible viruses. >> > >> > Here are some "terrifying" new viruses on the prowl.... >> > >> > Freudian Virus >> > Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes >> > very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive >> > >> > Lorena Bobbit Virus >> > Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy >> > >> > Tonya Harding Virus >> > Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons >> > >> > Paul Revere Virus >> > Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\ >> > >> > Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus >> > Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg >> > >> > Ollie North Virus >> > Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files >> > >> > Joey Buttafuaco Virus >> > Only attacks minor files >> > >> > Ronald Reagan Virus >> > Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored >> > > > >> > Jane Fonda Virus >> > Attacks your hard drive's FAT >> > >> > Oprah Winfrey Virus >> > Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly >> > expands to 300MB >> > >> > AT&T Virus >> > Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. >> > >> > MCI Virus >> > Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for The >> > AT&T virus >> > >> > Politically Correct Virus >> > Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an >> > "electronic microorganism." >> > >> > Ross Perot Virus >> > Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn >> > thing quits >> > >> > Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus >> > Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back >> > >> > Government Economist Virus >> > Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is >> > fine >> > >> > Federal Bureaucrat Virus >> > Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which >> > does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most >> > important part of your computer >> > >> > Adam and Eve Virus >> > Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer >> > >> > Congressional Virus #1 >> > The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message >> > appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem >> > >> > Congressional Virus #2 >> > Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow >> > the user to accomplish anything >> > >> > Airline Virus >> > You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore >> > >> > PBS Virus >> > Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money >> > >> > Jimmy Hoffa Virus >> > Your programs can never be found again >> > >> > LAPD Virus >> > It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases >> > them in "self-defense." >> > >> > O.J. Virus >> > It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your >> > files and vows to find the virus that did it. >> >
>>> >> >> > Installation and Support of new software: >> > I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend, and I've been >> > having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of >> > DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the >> > GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear >> > that Drinking Buddies runs fine as long as GirlFriend is run in >> > background mode and the sound is turned off. Unfortunately, I can't >> > find the switch to turn the sound off. Therefore, I have to run both >> > of them separately. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem >> > co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some >> > sort of timing incompatibility. On a positive note, DrinkingBuddies >> > and Golf seem to have no incompatibilities whatsoever. I probably >> > should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see >> > better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and >> > other problems, I consulted a friend who has experience with >> > GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run >> > GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run >> > properly. He was right -as soon as I purged my cache, and realized >> > that no one in their right mind is installing new Token Rings, >> > GirlFriend 2.0 uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed >> > GirlFriend 3.0 beta. Unfortunately, there was a bug in the program, >> > and the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out >> > my whole system and shut down for awhile. I very cautiously upgraded >> > to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also >> > installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for awhile until >> > I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried >> > running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but >> > GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically >> > senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and >> > communicates with it in some way. This results in the immediate >> > removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, >> > but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, >> > it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less >> > reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the >> > look and feel rather that the desired functionality. Also, to get the >> > best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use >> > gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is >> > "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version >> > of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay >> > Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 >> > expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0 so he did, >> > soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as >> > a huge resource hog. it has taken up all his space... he can't load >> > anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife >> > 1.0 was because it supposedly came bundled with a feature called >> > FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource requirements of Wife 1.0 >> > sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus... particularly the new >> > Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running in >> > a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did >> > not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic >> > pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing >> > Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try running it without first >> > uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before >> > uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install because of >> > insufficient resources. Damn software! You can't do with it and you >> > can't do without it.
>> >> > ****** Top 10 Ways To Tell ****** >> > If A Redneck Works In Your Office >> > 10: His monitor is up on blocks. >> > 9: Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. >> > 8: The six front keys have rotted out. >> > 7: The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. >> > 6: The numeric key pad only goes up to six. >> > 5: The password is "Bubba". >> > 4: There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU. >> > 3: There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. >> > 2: The keyboard is camouflaged. >> > 1: The mouse is referred to as a "critter". >> > >> > T R I V I A B R E A K >> > >> > FACTS ABOUT AMERICANS, From Harper's Index >> > Our Past: >> > 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. >> > 40% of us have had music lessons. >> > 44% have broken a bone. >> > >> > ****** The FBI Orders Pizza ****** >> > >> > FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego >> > that >> > was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of >> > reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had >> > worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation >> > called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick >> > dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took >> > place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all >> > conversations at the hospital. >> > >> > Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. >> > Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? >> > Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. >> > Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? >> > Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. >> > Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? >> > Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. >> > Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? >> > Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front >> > doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back >> > service entrance to deliver the pizzas. >> > Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? >> > Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? >> > Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? >> > Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. >> > Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? >> > Agent: I have my checkbook right here. >> > Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? >> > Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember >> > to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We >> > have the front doors locked. >> > Pizza Man: I don't think so. >> > Click. >> > ****** Fred's Last Words ****** >> > >> > Fred was near death. As his condition deteriorated he motioned >> > frantically for something to write on, and the pastor handed him a >> > pen. >> > Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then died. In >> > the >> > commotion the pastor put the unread note in his pocket. As the pastor >> > was giving the eulogy at Fred's funeral, he realized he was wearing >> > the same jacket as when Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred >> > handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but I'm >> > sure there's a word of inspiration for us all." He opened the note, >> > and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
> > > >IDIOTS AT WORK... >>> >>> Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two >for a dollar. >>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >>> I was signing the receipt for my credit card >purchase when >>> the clerk noticed that I had never signed my >name on the >>> back of the credit card. She informed me that >she could not >>> complete the transaction unless the card was >signed. When >>> I asked why, she explained that it was necessary >to compare >>> the signature on the credit card with the >signature I just >>> signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit >card in front >>> of her. She carefully compared that signature >to the one I >>> signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, >they matched. >>> >>> IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY >>> After interviewing a particularly short-spoken >job candidate, >>> I described the person to my boss as rather >monosyllabic. My >>> boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" >Thinking that he >>> was just kidding, I played along and said that >it was just >>> south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean >over by Croatia?" >> >>> >>> ADVICE FOR IDIOTS >>> An actual tip from page 16 of the HP >"Environmental, Health & >>> Safety Handbook for Employees:""Blink your >eyelids periodically >>> to lubricate your eyes." >>> >>> IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD >>> I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a >new neighbor >>> call the local township administrative office to >request the >>> removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. >The reason: >>> Many deer were being hit by cars and he no >longer wanted them >>> to cross there. >>> >>> IDIOTS & COMPUTERS >>> My neighbor works in the operations department >in the central >>> office of a large bank. Employees in the field >call him when >>> they have problems with their computers. One >night he got a >>> call from a woman in one of the branch banks who >had this >>> question: >>> "I've got smoke coming from the back of my >terminal. Do you >>> guys have a fire downtown?" >>> >>> IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE >>> I was sitting in my science class, when the >teacher commented >>> that the next day would be the shortest day of >the year. My lab >>> partner became visibly excited, cheering and >clapping. I >>> explained to her that the amount of daylight >changes, not the >>> actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was >very >disappointed. >>> >>> IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE >>> My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and >ordered a taco. She >>> asked the individual behind the counter for >"minimal lettuce." >>> He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. >>> >>> AN IDIOT'S IDIOT >>> Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a >suspect by >>> placing a metal colander on his head and >connecting it with >>> wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's >lying" >>> was placed in the copier, and police pressed the >copy >>> button each time they thought the suspect wasn't >telling >>> the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was >working, the >>> suspect confessed. >>> >
Some old letters are a joke. Old jokes .
Here's a very long letter about What to do with hotel soap . I gave it its own page.
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