And I Know

and I know why they hurt me
those boys
know from way back
when I was too young and too old to think better
from when I used to hold my baby sister in my arms
when she almost took up my whole body
say I loved her loved her loved her so much
and then squeeze her
just a little too tight
so I know the rush
of having something littlier than you in your arms
the way you can always feel those tiny bird bones
that move just under the skin
and know that if you were to press down
just a little harder
you would feel them break
like too thin toothpicks
or not even like twigs which are dry and brittle
but like the green backbones of leaves
that you would rip down and tear from the tree
and I remember
how if I wrapped around her just so
I could feel the squish of all those inside things
those things that wouldn't break like the little bird twigs
but ooze and rupture
pop and spread dark things everywhere
and I know like that how they would feel when they held me
and how they'd get all hot and high with the feeling
of what they knew they could do if they wanted to
and at any moment they could squeeze me just a little harder
and the life with everything else would etch right out of me
come without a sound like clear smoke through my mouth and eyes
and I know why they used to do those things to me when I was asleep
or they thought I was
how my breath and closed eyes
the heat slipping off me so gently
like liquid urging
would raise their pulse and temperature
and make they feel so big so strong
since then I couldn't even cry couldn't beg
and maybemaybemaybe
if it was real dark and they prayed real hard
maybe I'd never even wake up and catch them
never remember what they thought I was too busy dreaming to know