Stuff I've written:

A personal essay written by me
Partial Story not yet named 

Poems (in no particular order)

"Sparkle"
"Eyes that Judge Me"
"Earth"
"Phil"
"Weird"
"Mountain"
"He"
"A Poet, that Doesn't Know it"
"Amongst the Enemy"
Untitled
"A Battle Within"
"Ode to Visions Passing By"

***Disclaimer: I am not a professional, so please don't read this as such. I am sure there will be people who will be upset with me for having written this and posting this on the web, so let me apologize in advance. I mean no harm, I come in peace. I honestly don't know why I wrote this, but it isn't for attention, I just felt like doing it. Read it, because its how I feel. I also want to know what people think out there. I'm interested in knowing about other's lives and such. You can send it to me anonymously and I'll write you back. If you are mean to me, chances are, I won't write you back. I'm a shy person, so this is one of the only ways I can express myself. Take care!

Is society the way it should be? If you sit back and watch life go by without you in it, it seems to run just as smoothly than if you were actually in it. Then again, who is to say "smoothly" is really the word to describe it? Well, I guess I just did. I, however, did not use the word "perfect," because it is far from such a word. There are so many things that we say and do that we don't think about and don't recognize, and just let slip through our fingers. It is amazing....

I am an ordinary person, at least, I think I'm an ordinary person. I worry about silly things, as well as major things. But mostly about silly things. If I spent my time worrying about major things, then I'd be a very unhappy person. Then again, I suppose I spend my life avoiding what is real. I do not face up to anything difficult to handle. For example, I try not to think about death, because every second I do, I am not happy. I fear the worst and cannot picture the best. I take that back, I can picture the best, but I can't convince myself that it will happen to me. If there is a heaven, then why should I go to it? Am I really good enough to go? And what would this heaven be like anyway? Would it really be all that it is cracked up to be? Usually, my idea of the afterlife is something to do with nothingness. (That was a contradictory statement, now wasn't it?) We die and we don't know it. Then why should we have lived in the first place? That is what I fear the most. I want to know that I have lived! I want to know that all that I have cared for in my life would have meant something! Is that too much to ask? I usually come to the conclusion that, "yes," it is too much to ask.

This is why I try not to think about it, it only leaves me depressed and worried. I'm not a philosopher, so why should I think about it? It is up to me whether or not I want to think about it, right? If you are reading this, you are probably thinking "wow, what an incredibly dull and boring person" or "wow, this girl needs to get on with her life" or "wow, this poor soul needs to be saved." Well, only the first one is true. I am getting on with my life. I live it the only way I know how. How else is there to live life? I don't need to be saved, because I am a skeptic believer. I've been saved before, trust me, I wasn't really saved. (Don't worry about how much this whole thing doesn't make sense.) I can never have enough faith in something to put my whole life and whole world into it. The only thing I would give anything and everything for is my family. They are the only people that I know of, that truly love me for who I am.

Ok, so maybe I am a dull and boring person to most, but not to me and to my close friends. I can be very fun, but I have to be comfortable with the person or persons first. I have to feel it in my heart that they accept me for who I am and that they can handle seeing the real me. My idea of fun is also strange. I don't really get into the whole partying hard thing (even though I'm in college.) I'd rather be with my friends sitting around and talking or just goofing off. I certainly don't like to talk about philosophy and life all the time with my friends, although it comes up occasionally. I'm really not a good conversationalist. I'm too shy for that. My words come out all jangled up and twisted. Nobody seems to decifer them, except for a select few. But then again, I like to listen. Most people are better at saying what they mean than I am. That way I learn more than the person talking. Some people say it is selfish, I agree. However, I think that is one of the few things I take from others that I don't return. Then again, they get to speak there mind to someone without being interupted.

Usually, my friends and I goof off, joke around, make fun of each other. "I'm down wit dat." Why the hell not? Its life right? Make it fun, the way you know how! Not the way others know how. I think one of the most funnest (I know its not a word, but who cares, this is my... story-type-thing) nights of my life was the night my best friend and I went to a park at night and had a sword fight, shakespearen-style. We were 16 years old, but hell, it was fun. I love to go places at night, because you can't see the people your with, with your eyes, you have to see them with your mind. That is the best feeling a person can imagine.

You are still reading??? Wow, I'm amazed, I really am. Now I know what you are thinking, "this person is downright ugly." Because of all this talk about seeing a person without your eyes and all. Well, I tell you what, I think I am. The thing I lack most is self-esteem. I have none as far as my looks. (I am, however, completely egotistical when it comes to my knowledge, but I'll get into that later.) I won't describe myself, but I know I could fix my... so-called... "undesirable feature" of mine with a bit of effort and will power, but so far I haven't had enough to do it. I am really not hideous, I mean, I've had boyfriends in the past, but none of them really truly would have had me for the rest of their lives. (Not that I would have had them for the rest of their lives, but still.) I'm not anyone, anyone else would have ever dreamed of finding. I'm not Mrs. Right. I'm like the person one would settle for if they were just dumped by the runner up to Mrs. Right.... If that.

So... you ask, "why don't you fix this feature, you lazy bum!" I haven't found it in my heart to do so. Simple as that. It is not that I am lazy, I just don't feel the ... compassion for it. So then why am I complaining about how I am not anyone's Mrs. Right? Its not because I want someone to love me for who I am and not because of what I look like (although that would be nice), it is more because... I think I'm afraid. Afraid of love, quite bluntly. Though I search for it and long for it, I'm very afraid of love. Does that make any sense at all? No? Ok, think about it and get back to me.

I'm far from being unhappy, I just think way too damned much, which can often be mistook for unhappiness. I think all the time, even when I look like I'm not, I am. I'm thinking of how the beautiful sun sets on the bay, how the redwood trees seem so peaceful as the reach for the sky, how wonderful it would be to have someone to share this with, and if I'll be able to answer all the questions on "Jeopardy" or "Win Ben Stein's Money." I also try to keep my mind occupied with fantasies and dream sequences. Not the conventional fantasy, but rather, the "me own version fantasy." I usually select celebrities, who are not usually fantasized about. There will be no Tom Cruise or Leo DiCaprio fantasies in this brain of mine, but rather the lesser known actors who deserve a fantasy or two in their honor. Before you cover your eyes, they are not sexual fantasies. They are concerned more with their minds and of their whole person. I know I don't know these people at all, but I try to figure out what might be going on in their brain. It fascinates me how people live like that. On the edge of stardom, with one foot in the real world. I picture it as someone reaching for heavens, trying to pluck at what they believe to be happiness, not really knowing what is on the other side. Yeah, it fascinates me, it doesn't have to fascinate you.

(To be continued...)

I've come to the conclusion that I am really pathetic... and I'll tell ya why. I live in this wicked land of illusion. I haven't had a real relationship... ever. Just the good ole' high school type that didn't have much to do with... well... anything. So you ask, how on earth do I go on??? Well, I would say, because I occupy my heart with people I can never have. This gets back to the idea that I am afraid of love. Hell, if I fall for people I already know I can't have, then maybe I won't fall so damn hard when I don't get them. If I were to fall for guys who were accessable, that I had to see every day, that I thought I had the slightest chance with... than that is a real emotion I would feel if I weren't able to have him. See how the logic follows? Yeah, I know its a chicken way out, but I'm working on it.

Anywayz... that is how I've been feeling the past couple days. My heart is breaking and I can't take it anymore. I let my guard down a few months ago and began falling for some dude that was there in flesh. Silly me, cause now I have discovered just how much I care for him and just how much he cares for someone else... close to me. Someone, that I know... will hurt him. Not on purpose, but nonetheless, hurt him. That will learn me though... learn me not to fall for someone so close to me. Probably not... but we'll see.

Ok, wait, I'm not done with this topic. Like you have a choice, its my homepage and apparently, I can write what I want, right? See, I want him to be happy and I want him to be my friend. (How on earth he became friends with me is beyond my comprehension, he is too damn cool to be my friend). Ok... maybe I didn't want to say very much more about that topic afterall... so I'll continue. Maybe I'll write more about that later.

Where am I now? It has been awhile since I've written anything about the way I feel. I haven't had much of a chance to write, but I have plenty of time to think. I suppose when you think about it, I could've been writing the whole time that I was thinking. That would've been too easy...

In Part II, I said that I had let my guard down and fallen in love with someone who was there in the flesh. I suppose I was wrong. I still don't know that I know what "love" really is. I was apparently wrong on what my friend would do to him. She did not hurt him, he hurt her. I am only human, I can't predict everything.

Ok, so now what? I am still alone, no love in sight. I can not see it in the future, but then again, I just said that I can't predict everything. Although, as humans, we get the feeling that we can. We think that we have some sort of hand in everything that occurs in the universe. We are fooling ourselves. Of course, I don't know what could be controlling us, but something tells me, everything is up in the air. Nothing is for certain and nothing is not for certain. Enough of this philosophy crap, let me move on to something else. Oh, but did I call philosophy crap? I don't mean it... well, yes I do mean it. I think I said this before, but I don't believe in thinking about things for which I will never have the means of comprehending.

Hey but look! I do it anyway!

(More to come... but don't hold your breath... it isn't that interesting...) :)

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If you want to email me, please do: Nessie97@yahoo.com