COURTNEY, MELISS, OLS, and a JAPANESE GIRL sitting around a table. JOHNSON enters to a chorus of sneezes. Sneezes interrupt the dialogue throughout the scene.
COURTNEY
You gotta get it fucking launched up your nose.
JOHNSON
What the hell are you guys doing?
MELISS
If you stick a tissue up your nose, it makes you sneeze.
JOHNSON
And why the hell do you want to sneeze?
JAPANESE GIRL
It feels good!
COURTNEY
Yeah, isn’t it like one-tenth of an orgasm?
JOHNSON
One-eighth.
JAPANESE GIRL
DEEP!!!
OLS
I can’t get it in my nose.
COURTNEY
Come on Johnson, try it.
JOHNSON
I really don’t want to sneeze right now.
MELISS
It’s fun Johnson.
JAPANESE GIRL
Deep Johnson, Deep!!!
JOHNSON
This is completely ridiculous. Do you people know how absurd you look?
COURTNEY
(holding out a tissue) Can you…uhmm…try that?
JOHNSON
You really don’t want to go there with me.
MELISS
Well, OK, Mr. Big Shot.
JOHNSON
That’s not what I mean. I have a real problem with sneezing. It’s hereditary. Traftons forever have random sneezing fits where they sneeze five to six times in a row without stopping.
COURTNEY
Yeah, whatever.
JOHNSON
No, I’m completely serious. It causes havoc sometimes because people try to say “God Bless You” after the first sneeze, but then they keep coming, and people can’t get “God Bless You” out fast enough so they start stuttering "Guh, buh, guh," and then they give up and just start saying “Again, again, again,” and things really get crazy. I’m afraid what might happen to me here if I tempt the Gods. I could conceivably never stop sneezing.
COURTNEY
You know if you look up in a light then your sneeze will go away.
JOHNSON
That would kind of defeat the purpose of this little exercise now wouldn’t it.
COURTNEY
The first time I did this, it took me over an hour to sneeze.
JOHNSON
Well, you’re persistent, I’ll give you that much. (COURTNEY sneezes) You know what I just noticed. Nobody has said “God Bless You.” Not even once in fifty sneezes. (another sneeze, laughter) You know why? These are sneezes from the devil.
MELISS
Oh, shut up Johnson.
JOHNSON
God will not bless these sneezes, because he did not wish them. (sneezes three times successively) I just sneezed three times. And nobody said, “God Bless You!”
