RAY

BY THOMAS VAN GEMERT

Hours before she had asked him what was wrong and he answered ten years of spanking to porn. No really, she had said, tightening the sheets over her bust and he realized she was thinking again it was her. I’m really just tired, he said, that’s all, and he put his hand through her thick hair working his agile fingers through the mild tangles. A line was always going through his head, I like this woman for her body and that is all, but he knew he’d be a mess if she was gone.

She turned away from him and slumped the side of her head against the pillow, facing the wall. He watched her shoulder rise and fall in a long silent sigh. “Damn it why can’t you tell me?” she half whispered.

“The government,” he said. His reply had become as short as it could be.

“You never sleep it seems. Every time I wake up your awake.”

“I know. But don’t worry alright?

She didn’t respond. He watched her shoulders and wondered if her eyes were open. They were probably closed. He wished he knew as if it made a difference. He wasn’t satisfying her. Could he lose her doing this? He made up his mind, licked his lips, and edged towards her. Brushing aside the thick wavy auburn, he found her eyes closed, lips parted. He stopped rustling and heard her steady breathing. Propping his pillow against the headboard he lay back and stared at the dark wall. Soon the shutters would brighten and he’d hear the birds. When that happened, it was impossible to sleep at all.

He remembered once when she stirred and he pretended to be sleeping. He could feel her eyes on him and he was amazed how frightened he suddenly became. At the center of home and his heart beating so fast all he could feel was the sore ache of his chest trying to keep up. She wasn’t making a sound but he knew she was sitting up in bed, staring at him. In his mind the whites of her eyes were standing out, so bright and large she didn’t seem to have any pupils. He put himself through this for what must have been an hour until finally he just snapped his eyes open, focusing sharply on where he imagined her face to be, intending to scare her back, feeling intense hatred and rage. But she was sleeping soundly. He focused beyond to the shudders, and their indications of a new day. But the birds, he thought, I don’t.... The chirping faded in creepily. Somehow he had been blocking them out. What is wrong with me? He looked at the big white plastic bottle of sleeping pills, grabbed it up and chucked it against the wall.

In the morning he managed to fuck her. A quick shower, toast, and then ducking under the raising garage door with bike in hands. The chill and sight of dew on the grass never failed to stir his emotions. Six a.m. and most people would be asleep for another half hour. It must have been the head start he had. This would be a long ride and he didn’t know how he was going to make it. He patted his pocket and then lay the bike down and turned. She was there on the front porch in her robe, bare foot and looking down at him. She wasn’t smiling. He knew she had faked it. She tossed the glad bag to him and he caught it. Then she stared at him and he felt his mind groan for the right words. This was crucial. He was on the verge of losing her but at that moment he didn’t seem to care. But he knew he should. He had done this before with other women. He didn’t care now but he would later when the bed was empty, and all her things gone.

“After this I get a break,” he said, which was true. “We’ll go somewhere.”

“Where and how?” she said and even though she made no noticeable gesture, his eyes went to the empty gargage, to the grease spot.

“I’ll figure out a way, promise.” His mind had slid into the alley of simple trite phrases. He was finished. His mind so burned out he hadn’t a chance. Even his looks, which may have been why she put up with him so long, were going downhill. He looked like a malnourished zombie. He didn’t bother combing his hair and didn’t pick the seeds from his eyes. He had lost some weight. She remained beautiful and soon she would be gone. She frowned and went back inside. He got onto his bike and began peddling down the street.

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