Knowing You’re Not Here With Me

(A Tribute to Kim Hwan Sung)

~Always in My Heart~

Part 1

Oppa; I’m sitting here, crying. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so totally helpless without you by my side. Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to take away Sung Hoon’s love from me? Why did you have to break your promise to me? The one where you told me you would always be by my side and protect me from everything? Now all I have of you are my memories…

Part 2

That first day I met you is so clear in my mind. I was a bitter young girl with no parents. I had finally found a home with my adoptive parents. That home was right next door to yours…

I was sitting on my front porch when I saw you passing by. You were with four of your friends. I remember looking at you as you passed by and walked into your house. At that moment, my new ‘mother’ came out of our house.

"Hye Jin ah! Come have dinner!" she called. I scowled.

"I’m right here. You don’t have to yell." I stormed into the house past her. She followed me in.

As my new parents and I sat down to dinner the woman opened her mouth again. "After dinner, your new next-door neighbors have invited us to their house for tea. They want to meet you." She sounded so eager that I became angrier.

"Why would I want to meet them?" I retorted. Looking at her crestfallen face made me happy. Of course, I didn’t show my happiness on the outside. The man tried to break the long silence.

"Hye Jin ah, they have a young son just a few years older than you. I think he should be about 16 years old. And you are about 13 years old, right?"

"You adopted me and you don’t even know how old I am?" I asked. "How come you wanted to adopt me anyway? Wouldn’t you much rather have a little baby?"

"No, of course not!" the woman said quickly. "When I saw your picture, I just fell in love with you. I knew that I wanted you as my child."

"Whatever." I muttered as I played with my rice. The two adults looked at each other and sighed. We ate the rest of our dinner in silence.

"Hwan Sung ah! Come over here for a minute!" Hwan Sung’s mother called from the kitchen.

"Yes umma!" Hwan Sung shouted back as he rose from the bed. He looked at his four friends all lying around on his floor and bed. "I’ll be right back!" he ran down the stairs.

"Umma?" Hwan Sung looked around the kitchen and saw his mom delicately taking out valuable china cups. "Did you call me?" she looked up at him.

"As a matter of fact, I did. You do know that we’re having guests tonight don’t you?" she asked.

"Yeah. The Lees next door right? With their new adopted daughter?" as the words came out of his mouth, his mother rose quickly.

"Don’t say that when the Lees come!" she hissed. "Just call her their daughter." Taken aback by the urgency in his mother’s voice, Hwan Sung only nodded. "Good. Now for the real reason I asked you in here. When are your friends leaving?"

"Oh, I thought that maybe they could help me entertain the girl when she’s here. I mean, it’s not like she’s gonna want to listen to you parents talk. And neither do I." Hwan Sung said. His mother sighed.

"All right. But make sure they’re not too loud." Hwan Sung grinned and ran back to his room.

"Hey guys, you can stay!" he said excitedly.

"Hey, even if we weren’t able to we would’ve. We were gonna go on strike." Sung Hoon said grinning.

"Yeah!" Myung Hoon said. "We were gonna sit in your living room and go ‘We want to stay! We want to stay!’ until your parents gave in." They all laughed at the thought of striking in Hwan Sung’s small living room.

"Do you know what the girl looks like? How old she is?" Yoo Min asked. Hwan Sung shrugged.

"I have no idea." Hwan Sung replied. "Hmm… what does she look like?" they all pondered the question for a while.

"Do you think she’s as pretty as Yoo Min?" Sung Hoon joked. As the room erupted in laughter, Yoo Min grabbed a pillow from Hwan Sung’s bed and started to whack Sung Hoon with it. "I yah! Stop it! Sheesh! I was only kidding." Sung Hoon cried as he dodged the attacks.

Hwan Sung shook his head, grinning. "This is why my parents think you guys are so noisy. You should be more like Sung Jinee hyung. He’s so quiet and orderly. You guys fool around too much." Sung Jin grins.

"Hey hey hey. I’m one of a kind!" Sung Jin says raising his arms. "Besides, I’m 19. I think I should be quiet and orderly by this age. What’s wrong with you Myung Hoon?"

"What do you mean, what’s wrong with me?" Myung Hoon asks, pretending to be hurt. "I’m unique. I can be quiet and orderly like you. And I can also be hyper like Sung Hoon. I’m having an age crisis."

"An age crisis? Not a mid-age crisis but an age crisis?" Sung Jin snorts. "That’s the funniest thing I-"

"Ding Dong" Sung Jin was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. All five friends looked at each other and raced out of the room.

Hye Jin looked around the small house and back at the middle-aged couple smiling at her.

"This must be Hye Jin! Oh my, she is so pretty!" the woman exclaimed. "Please come in. I’m Mrs. Kim and this is Mr. Kim." The Lees stepped into the house and took off their shoes. The five boys came racing into the living room. They froze as they saw the adults and girl staring at them, curiously.

"Ahn nyung haseyo!" they bowed to the adults. The Lees smiled warmly.

"Uh, Hwan Sung ah. These must be your friends?" they looked at the boys curiously.

"My name is Moon Sung Hoon," Sung Hoon. He points to all of the boys as he introduces them. "This is No Yoo Min. This is Lee Sung Jin and this is Myung Hoon." The Lees nod politely.

"Why don’t you take Hye Jin to your room, Hwan Sung ah." Mrs. Kim says. Hwan Sung smiles at the young girl.

"Come on." The five boys disappear into the hallway and Hye Jin slowly walks after them.

Upon entering Hwan Sung’s room, Hye Jin noted that it was remarkably clean and immaculate for a boy’s room. The five boys slumped onto the floor and bed. One of the boys pulled out the chair from the desk and offered it to Hye Jin.

"Here, you can sit in this chair." He said nicely. Hye Jin haughtily sat in the chair. She looked closely at all of the boys. "Ahem." Hwan Sung cleared his throat. "Maybe we should introduce each other. I’m Hwan Sung and these are Myung-"

"I know your names." Hye Jin said. "I heard you out in the living room." Hwan Sung looks defeated.

"So… you’re 12 is that right?" Sung Jin asks.

"No, I’m 13." Hye Jin retorts.

"Oh…" Sung Jin looks at the others. Everyone is silent.

"Are you guys always quiet like this?" Hye Jin asks. "If you’re not going to be fun hosts I might as well go back into the living room. The parents have got to be more fun than you guys." She gets up and starts for the door.

"No!" all the boys cry and get up to stop her. She grins and sits back down.

"Well entertain me or something." She says expectantly.

"Do you want to hear a samhengshi?" Sung Hoon asks. Hye Jin shrugs and nods. "Okay this one is saranghae."

"Sa." Hye Jin says.

Sung Hoon puts on a solemn face. "Saranghaneun nuh…"

"Rang."

"Rang kiss hago shipda."

"Hae." Sung Hoon puckers up his lips and moves towards Hye Jin. She screams and ducks out of the way. The whole room erupts into laughter. "Oppa!"

Sung Hoon grins cutely and shrugs. "That was the only samhengshi I could think of at the time. You want to hear another one?" Hye Jin shakes her head vigorously. "Okay. Your loss."

"Hye Jin ah, you want to go to Lotte World with us tomorrow?" Sung Jin asks. Hye Jin shrugs.

"I have nothing better to do so I guess." She tries not to sound eager. Yoo Min claps his hands together.

"Great! Then we’ll pick you up tomorrow from your house." He says smiling. Hye Jin nods.

"Hye Jin ah! Gaja!" they can hear Mrs. Lee calling Hye Jin from outside the closed door. Hye Jin rolls her eyes.

"It was nice meeting you. Bye~" Hye Jin leaves the room and the boys follow her.

"Ahn nyunghee gaseyo! Bye Hye Jin! It was nice meeting you! See you tomorrow!" the five boys wave from the doorway until Hye Jin and her parents go into their house…

Two Years Later…

Hye Jin has become good friends with the five boys. Especially with Hwan Sung. Whenever Hye Jin was having a problem, he was always there for her. He taught her to love and respect her adoptive parents. She could even call them ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ now. Whenever her parents went on vacations and left her at home, Hwan Sung could be counted on to stay with her at home.

"Hye Jin ah!" Hye Jin looked out her window at the sound of her voice. She saw Hwan Sung outside. She grinned and ran outside.

"Hi oppa!" Hye Jin smiles at Hwan Sung. She finally notices the girl by Hwan Sung’s side. She has long, silky, black hair and a pretty white face. Hye Jin frowned at Hwan Sung. "Who’s this?"

Hwan Sung grins proudly. "Hye Jin ah, I want you to meet Seri, my girlfriend. Seri, this is my dongsang, Hye Jin."

Seri smiles warmly. "It’s nice to meet you Hye Jin. Hwan Sung’s told me all about you." Hye Jin is shocked. ‘All about me? How long have they been dating?’ she thinks to herself.

"It-it’s nice to meet you too. Hwan Sungie oppa, weren’t we going to go out with the others today?"

"Yeah we were. I was going to go out with Seri today so you guys will have to go by yourselves. Well, we’ll go now. Bye Hye Jin ah!" Hwan Sung and Seri leave. As they leave, Hye Jin feels her heart crumble. ‘Why didn’t I ever tell Hwan Sungie oppa I liked him? Why didn’t I even know that I liked him? Oh! This is so confusing!’ Hye Jin sighs and goes back into her house.

At the beach…

"We’re here!!!" Sung Hoon shouts as he runs to the water. The rest of the gang grin and follow him. They jump into the water and start to splash each other. Only Hye Jin stays by the water side and doesn’t go in. "Hye Jin ah! Come in! The water’s nice and warm!" Hye Jin forces a smile.

"No oppa. I think I’ll go for a walk." She starts to walk away. Sung Hoon walks out of the water.

"I’ll go with you." They walk away, leaving the others splashing in the water.

"What’s wrong Hye Jin ah?" Sung Hoon asks as they walk along the pier.

"There’s nothing wrong oppa." Hye Jin looks away. Sung Hoon stops Hye Jin from walking further.

"Hye Jin ah, I’ve known you for two years. I know when something is wrong. Please tell me." He looks into Hye Jin’s tear-filled eyes. "Is it Hwan Sung? Are you upset because of his girlfriend?"

Hye Jin looks amazingly at Sung Hoon. "How-how did you know?"

"I could see it from the way you looked at him." Sung Hoon said. He felt hurt because from the beginning he had always loved Hye Jin, not as a dongsang but as something more. He decided that he would tell her his feelings now. "Hye Jin ah, do you remember that first day we met? Remember my samhengshi?" After thinking it over, Hye Jin nods. "I want to repeat it okay?" Hye Jin shrugs and nods.

"Sa." Hye Jin says.

"Saranghaneun nuh."

"Rang."

"Rang kiss hago shipda."

"Hae." Hye Jin tries to duck away but Sung Hoon grabs her shoulders and kisses her. Hye Jin kisses him back. After the kiss, Sung Hoon looks deep into Hye Jin’s eyes.

"Hye Jin ah, I love you." As soon as the words leave Sung Hoon’s mouth, Hye Jin feels her deflated heart inflate again and she hugs Sung Hoon. ‘I must not have really loved Hwan Sungie oppa. I must’ve thought that I did but really I loved Sung Hoonie oppa.’ Hye Jin thinks to herself.

One month later…

Hye Jin and Sung Hoon are still dating and they know they love each other very much. Hwan Sung and Seri are also still a couple. One day at Sung Hoon’s house…

"Yah, Sung Hoon ah! Do you have anything to eat?" Myung Hoon yells from the kitchen.

"Yeah! Get some chips and drinks while you’re in there hyung!" Sung Hoon yells back from the living room. A few minutes later, Myung Hoon and Yoo Min come back in, carrying loads of drinks and chips.

"I’m not hungry." Hye Jin says as Sung Hoon offers her a soda and handful of chips.

"Aigo, you’re too skinny Hye Jin ah." Sung Hoon says shaking his head. "But I still love you." He gives her a peck on the cheek. Just then, the doorbell rings. Sung Hoon runs to get it. When he opens the door, he sees a girl standing there. She sees him and she grins.

"Sung Hoon ah," she begins, "it’s nice to see you again." Sung Hoon clears his throat and looks away.

"You-you too…" he says quietly. The girl looks into the room and smiles.

"You must be having a party. Yoo Min? It’s nice to see you again! And Hwan Sung! Sung Jinie oppa! Myung Hoonie oppa! It’s so nice to see you guys again!" they look at each other and back at the girl.

"You-you too, Semi ah…" they mumble.

"Do-do you want to come in?" Sung Hoon asks uncomfortably. Semi smiles and shakes her head.

"No, it’s all right. I need to be going anyway. I just had to come see you again…" she pauses there. "It really was nice to see you again Sung Hoon ah…" she quickly gives him a peck on the cheek and walks away. Hye Jin frowns as Sung Hoon closes the door and goes to sit next to Hye Jin again.

"Who is that?" Hye Jin asks. "Oppa, who was that?"

"No-no one…" Sung Hoon says quickly.

"Oppa! She kissed you! Sung Jinie oppa, who was that?"

"Why are you asking me?" Sung Jin asks shocked.

"Because you’re the only one who will tell me the truth. Now tell me who that was!"

Sung Jin sighs. "It was just Sung Hoon’s old girlfriend from junior high school. Right before you came here, she moved away and they broke up. It’s not a big deal." Hye Jin looks over at Sung Hoon who is deep in thought and knows that it IS a big deal.

Soon, all the guys left and it was just Sung Hoon and me left. Sung Hoon was still frowning and it worried me.

"Oppa, what’s wrong?" I asked. Sung Hoon shook out of his thoughts and looked at me.

"No-nothing. Don’t worry Hye Jin ah. There’s nothing wrong." Sung Hoon smiled and gave me a peck on the cheek but I could tell that he was still troubled.

"I think we should break up."

I looked at Sung Hoon in shock when he said this to me.

"Wha-what?" I asked, hoping I had heard wrong. Sung Hoon sighed.

"I think we should break up. I need time to sort out my feelings." Sung Hoon tried to hug me but I jerked away.

"This is because of Semi unni isn’t it? Do you still love her? It’s been a month since she came back! Do you still love her? Oppa!" I started to cry.

"Don’t cry Hye Jin ah. I-I just need to sort out my feelings." Sung Hoon’s comforting words left knives in my heart. Just then, Hwan Sung came up to us.

"It’s okay Sung Hoon. I’ll take care of Hye Jin right now." Sung Hoon sighed and started to walk away. "It’s okay Hye Jin ah. Don’t cry. I heard everything."

"How? How could he leave me?" I cried. I buried my head against Hwan Sung’s body and he put his arm around me.

"I don’t know, Hye Jin. I really don’t know."

As I cried for hours and hours, Hwan Sung stayed by my side and comforted me.

That evening…

Hwan Sung barged into Sung Hoon’s room where Sung Hoon was lying down on his bed.

"What’s wrong with you?!" Hwan Sung yelled at Sung Hoon. Sung Hoon sighed and turned his head towards the wall. "Answer me Sung Hoon!"

"I don’t have anything to say to you." Sung Hoon murmured.

"Why did you break up with Hye Jin? I know you still love her. Is it because of Semi? You told me you were over her!"

"No, I am over Semi. I don’t want to hurt Hye Jin, Hwan Sung ah. I’m starting to feel that I’m not good enough for her." Sung Hoon confessed. Hwan Sung grinned.

"Don’t worry. Sung Hoon, you’re one of my best friends. Hye Jin is the best dongsang I could ever ask for. You make the perfect couple and I’m really glad to see you together. Hye Jin really loves you and you love her." Sung Hoon looks up at Hwan Sung.

"Hye-Hye Jin loves me?" Sung Hoon asks. Hwan Sung laughs.

"Yes!" Sung Hoon runs out of his room.

At Hye Jin’s house…

*Ding Dong*

Hye Jin wipes her eyes and goes to open the door. When she opens it, Sung Hoon is standing in front of the door with a bouquet of roses. In the middle of one hundred white roses there is one red rose.

"Hye Jin ah," Sung Hoon begins. "I’m sorry. I love you. I don’t want to break up with you." He hands her the bouquet. Hye Jin stands there holding the bouquet. "It was my mistake. I’m sorry. I truly love you." Hye Jin starts to cry as she hugs Sung Hoon. "I’m so sorry Hye Jin ah." Sung Hoon says as he holds onto Hye Jin.

Three months later…

Hye Jin burst into the hospital and saw Hwan Sung’s parents sitting in the waiting room.

"Ajumma!" Hye Jin cries as she runs to them. "What happened? Where’s Hwan Sungie oppa?" Hwan Sung’s mother wipes her eyes.

"Hye Jin ah, it’s okay. Hwan Sung is in this room." Hye Jin tries to open the door but Hwan Sung’s father blocks her.

"You don’t want to go in Hye Jin." He says seriously.

"Why didn’t anyone tell me he was sick? He’s been in the hospital for three days and no one ever told me!" Hye Jin burst out crying. Hwan Sung’s mother starts crying again as she hugs Hye Jin.

"Hye Jin ah… shh… It’s twelve fifty-nine A.M. I have something for you. Hwan Sung wanted me to give you this…" Hwan Sung’s father picks up a package and letter from the chair beside him.

"Why can’t he give it to me himself? He’s-he’s going to get better right?" Hye Jin says alarmed as she receives the letter and package. Hwan Sung’s mother starts weeping again.

"Yes, he will get better." Hwan Sung’s father says. "He will be better with the Good Lord by his side…"

"What-what? Ahjushi what do you mean by that?" Hye Jin asks frantically. Just then, a group of doctors and nurses walk out of Hwan Sung’s room. "What’s wrong with Hwan Sungie oppa?!" Hye Jin screams at the nearest doctor. The doctor sighs and takes off his mask.

"I’m sorry." He says to Hwan Sung’s parents. "We tried everything we could for your son." Hye Jin runs out of the hospital as Hwan Sung’s parents start to sob together.

Part 3

Hye Jin stood beside her parents and Sung Hoon. Throughout the whole funeral ceremony, Yoo Min was sobbing and the rest of the gang were biting their lips and wiping their tears away. Sung Hoon held onto Hye Jin’s hand tightly as they watched Hwan Sung become ashes. Hye Jin started to weep and she collapsed to the floor. Sung Hoon pulled her back up and held onto her.

"Why? Why?" Hye Jin cried. "Why did it have to be Hwan Sungie oppa?! He didn’t deserve this!" Sung Hoon wiped away Hye Jin’s tears for her and kept holding her tightly as tears silently fell from his own eyes.

Hye Jin walked into her room and slumped into her chair. As she looked across her desk a letter caught her eye. It was the letter Hwan Sung had written her. She hadn’t had the heart to open it since Hwan Sung passed away. She slowly reached for it and opened it.

Hye Jin weeps again as she picks up the package. She runs out of her room.

When Hye Jin entered Sung Hoon’s room, she saw that the whole gang was there.

"Hye Jin ah," Sung Jin says as he moves off the chair for Hye Jin to sit. She sits down and hands Sung Jin the package. "What’s this?" Sung Jin asks as he starts opening it.

"It-it’s from Hwan Sung oppa. He-he wanted you to have his cell phone, Myung Hoonie oppa to have his CD’s, Yoo Minnie oppa to have his necklace, and Sung Hoonie oppa to have his journal." Hye Jin says. Yoo Min starts to cry again as he takes out the necklace.

"He knew I loved this necklace." Myung Hoon gets a tissue and wipes his own eyes as he takes out the CD’s with shaking hands. Hye Jin starts to cry and she runs out of Sung Hoon’s house.

Later that night…

Sung Hoon was looking through Hwan Sung’s journal when an entry caught his eye.

Sung Hoon looked up from the entry and thought deeply. He then realized what he wanted to do for Hwan Sung. He sighed and slowly walked to Hye Jin’s house.

When Hye Jin opened the door, Sung Hoon came in. He sat down on the couch in the living room. Hye Jin sat next to him with a worried look on her face.

"What’s wrong oppa?" she asked concerned.

"Hye Jin ah," Sung Hoon kept his head down. "I-I don’t know how to say this but… I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore." Hye Jin looked at him in shock.

"What?!" she asked.

"I still love you but I-I want to be your oppa. I want to do this for Hwan Sung." He said difficultly. ‘I’m so sorry Hye Jin ah,’ Sung Hoon thought to himself. ‘I love you so much but I don’t deserve you as my girlfriend.’ He sat there helpless as Hye Jin burst out crying.

Hwan Sungie oppa, don’t you see? Now Sung Hoon oppa doesn’t love me anymore. He’s a good oppa to me but I still love him. It’s so hard for me to see him date other girls. Your parents don’t come to see me anymore. Ever since you left me, my parents and I haven’t been the same anymore. It’s like you were the key to our relationship. But do you know what hurts me the most? The fact that you’re not here with me anymore. That you’re not here to protect me from all this pain.