Woody Allen--Best Contemporary Script Writer

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal.
Therefore, all men are Socrates.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes.
It's about Russia.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible be like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

To YOU I'm an atheist;
to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

My brain is my second favorite organ.

Sex is dirty?
Yes, only if done correctly.

Penis envy? Yeah, I'm one of the few males that suffers from that.

Hey don't knock masturbation;
It's sex with someone I love.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It's not that I'm afraid to die.
I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There are worse things in life than death.
Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

I was in analyis with a strict Fruedian. My analyst died two years ago and I never realized it.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.
The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

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