This article appeared in New Scientist 23/30 December 1982
If you're a UK scientist over 40, you'll probably like it.
If not, just be grateful.
A fairly concise DICTIONARY
of scientific terms in current use
based on the exhausting studies of
Mr Graham Storrs
A
Aphasia [n.] Loss of speech in social scientists when asked during
conversations at parties, "But what USE is your research?"
Arithmetic [n.] An obscure art no longer practised in developed
countries.
Atom [n.] The smallest part of matter which can still be infinitely
divided.
B
Behave [v.i.] What subjects are expected to do in psychological
experiments.
Belief [n.] Something which you do not believe.
Blind [a.] The preferred state of the observer while conducting
research. Also the assumed state of referees.
Byte [n.] A word in an incomprehensible language.
C
Calibration [n.] (In the physical sciences) The trees among which the
wood is sought.
Chemicals [n.pl.] Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Computer [n.] An amazingly versatile machine with barely imaginable
potential and yet of such stupefying complexity that to make it
perform the most trivial of tasks can exercise the country's
finest intellects for days, or weeks, or months.
Control [n.] A vain attempt to reduce the variance in an experiment. A
token gesture to show your heart is in the right place. A metaphor
for the futility of the search for Truth.
Correspondence [n.] A chance to ponder the great mysteries of our
age. These are: 1) If a lorry containing perched canaries and with
a gross weight of 3 tonnes were to hit a bump and set the birds in
flight, would the gross weight of the lorry remain the same? 2)
Why is it we see our image reversed left to right in a mirror but
not top to bottom, and 3) Why can't you cut cheese with a knife?
Cusp [n.] A catastrophe in a teacup.
Cut [v.i. & v.t.] Reduce (output, efficiency, morale, etc).
D
Data [n.pl.] An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
Dial [n.] (obs) Ancient source of DATA (see DIGITAL DISPLAY).
Digital [a.] Hard to read;
Digital Display [n.] Impossible to read.
E
Emigrate [v.i.] Increase (output, efficiency, morale, etc).
Expert [n.] Self-publicist.
Extrapolate [v.i. & v.t.] Make results go further in the service of
your theory.
F
Fakir [n.] A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
religious devotion in its followers, even though its sources seem
to have shinned up a rope and vanished.
Frankenstein [n.] A dedicated and brilliant man who bears the curious
distinction of being the only scientist to have his laboratory
smashed by a mob of anti-vivisynthesists.
G
Genius [n.] Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the
right time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by
saying all the right things to all the right people.
God [n.] Darwin's chief rival.
Graph [n.] Diagram disguising the relationship between two variables.
H
Hard [a.] The quality of your own data. Also the way it is to believe
other people's.
Hemisphere [n.] (psychol.) A convention for dividing the human brain
into two equally redundant halves.
Heuristic [a.] (soc. sciences) A completely meaningless word used
mostly in research proposals to indicate identity with peer-group.
Hz [abbr.] Hertz; unit of frequency, hence the expression: "Hz mnz
bzzzzzz".
I
If [conj.] The first step towards disappointment.
Illogical [a.] Not fitting your theory.
Increase [n.] (of salary) A reduction in the rate of decrease.
Index [n.] Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
alphabetical list of subjects etc. with references ought to be.
Industry [n.] A nasty, vulgar branch of human endeavour which is
intrusively affluent.
Innovate [v.i.] Annoy people.
Irrational [a.] The idea of a number not commensurable with the
natural numbers.
J
Joke [n.] The science budget. Like many other jokes of the present
government (such as inflation and unemployment) this one is based
on Friedman's theory of humour. Put simply, the theory is: "You've
got to laugh or you'd go mad."
Ju-Ju [n.] Charm, fetish, statistical test, experimental paradigm,
computer, etc.
K
Kelvin Scale [n.] (of temperature) A scale whereby zero is at absolute
zero so that any temperature useful in everyday life is in
ridiculously high numbers and 99.99999 percent of the Universe needs
to be accomodated in the bottom three or four degrees.
Kinetic Energy [n.] Body's ability to do work by virtue of its motion:
A property possessed by heads of department.
Knowledge [n.] Things you believe.
L
Laser [n.] Failed death-ray.
Life [n.] A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
M
Mad [a.] 1. Misunderstood;
2. Madman, an exceptionally free thinker.
3. Mad Scientist, one whose experiments have not been sanctioned
by his institution's ethics committee.
Malthusian [a.] Of the doctrine that a little bit of what you fancy
does you good, a little bit less of what you fancy does us all
good.
Man [n.] 1. Human being (or woman).
2. Piltdown Man, a moral tale: the moral being "Don't get caught".
Megalomania [n.] Occupational hazard.
Mesolithic [a.] One of the many ages in human history before we
developed complete skulls.
Meteorologist [n.] One who doubts the long-established fact that it is
bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
Micro [n.] 1. A very small COMPUTER with all the disadvantages of
larger machines but for less money.
2. Mighty Micro, a journalistic elaboration of this constructed
from silicon chips.
Misinterpret [v.t.] What others do with their data.
Money [n.] An incentive to change occupation or emigrate.
Moon [n.] A proof of the Heisenberg principle, that is that the act of
observation may alter the properties of the thing being observed.
N
Navigate [v.i. & v.t.] Course followed by those simple souls who think
that any place is, or might be, worth all the trouble of finding
your way there.
Neutron [n.] 1. A rather old-fashioned sub-atomic particle due for
replacement by 15 oinks, 8 mu-whirlygigons, 3 supergluons and a
gold watch.
2. Neutron Bomb, an explosive device of limited military value
since, as it only destroys people without destroying property, it
must be used in conjunction with woodworm bombs, dry rot bombs,
and subsidence bombs.
Nuclear [a.] (anag.=unclear - as in nuclear debate)
1. Nuclear Weapon. Of all the wonderful achievements of the
scientific endeavour, this is the one we shall be remembered for.
2. Nuclear Club, everywhere except the Seychelles.
3. Nuclear Physics, playing with marbles as expensively as
possible.
4. Nuclear Shelter, somewhere to go for a couple of weeks while
the world is being destroyed.
O
Occam's Razor [n.] The principle that the preferred theory is the one
that employs the fewest assumptions. Since there is no good reason
for believing this, scientists are quite right to ignore it
completely.
Omniscience [n.] Only talking about things you know about.
Optical Illusion [n.] see GRAPH.
Orthoepy [n.] (or orthoipi) science of (ov) proper pronunciation
(-shon).
Oxymoron [n.] Figure of speech employing the conjunction of
contradictory parts (eg abnormal psychologist, physical chemist,
social scientist, human biologist, homo sapiens, etc).
P
Paper [n.] A half hour monologue immensely more boring than its title.
Paranoia [n.] A healthy understanding of the essential nature of the
Universe.
Perception [n.] Activity by which the mind (erroneously) refers
sensations to (the wrong) external object. If there is one thing
which modern psychology has taught us, it is to mistrust our
perceptions. Actually, there may not be anything which modern
psychology has taught us.
Physics [n.] 1. The art of estimating errors.
2. Theoretical Physics, the art of letting other people estimate
errors.
3. Nuclear Physics, an error in many people's estimate.
Poem [n.]
Knowledge is not happiness, and science,
But an exchange of ignorance for them,
Which is another kind of ignorance.
- Byron, Manfred.
Poly [n.] A queer bird which spends its time imitating universities.
Preposterous [a.] Findings contrary to your own.
Primogeniture [n.] Fact of being first born, for want of which we
ended up in this line of work.
Probability [n.] Quality of being likely (see also UNPLEASANT).
Prof. (abbr.=PROFITEROLE) Attractive, hollow cake made from choux
pastry with sweet or savoury fillings.
Program [n.] 1. A magic spell cast upon a COMPUTER to enable it to
turn your input into error messages.
2. [v.t.] A pastime similar to banging your head against a wall
but with fewer opportunities for reward.
3. Programmer [n.] one whose time is spent devising cryptograms
with which a COMPUTER can address people.
Psychiatry [n.] The art of keeping people's madness within socially
acceptable limits.
Psychology [n.] The science of proving to people what they have known
for millennia.
Q
Quantum Mechanics [n.] A last, desperate attempt by the physicists to
introduce a ghost into the machine.
Quark [n.] 1. The sound made by a well-bred duck.
2. The basic component of elementary particles. Because quarks
were first postulated by Rowntree and Mackintosh, they come in a
range of colours and flavours.
R
Rational [a.] 1. Behaving arbitrarily but in accordance with some
arbitrary system.
2. Rationalise [v.i. & v.t.], to comfort oneself by reference to
such a system.
Raw [n.] Exposed, sensitive to inspection, requiring treatment (as in
raw DATA).
Robot [n.] University administrator.
S
Salary [n.] Regular, fixed payments used to placate bank managers.
Scalar [a. & n.] Having magnitude but no direction (as with human
endeavour).
Schadenfreude [n.] Failure to replicate.
Science [n.] A system developed by people of genius over thousands of
years to keep themselves in beer and skittles.
Seminar [n.] A queer, ritualised appeasement gesture in which a member
of the group is invited to bear his research for the other members
to sink their teeth into.
Serendipity [n.] The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
Sex [n.] 1. Something biologists talk about a lot but are rarely seen
doing.
2. Sex Life, only artists and rock stars have one of these so
don't let its absence worry you.
3. Sexism, if you are male you need not worry about this, if you
are female you should leave such matters to the men.
Significance [n.] Meaning or importance given seemingly trivial
findings by the careful application of statistical tests. For
example, in psychology, a 40 millisecond difference between left
and right hands in pressing a key may be highly significant when
hundreds of subjects are run for hundreds of trials whereas one of
your sample of four depressives committing suicide is almost
certainly non-significant.
Silicon [n.] Substance from which very small intergrated circuits can
be made.
Silicone [n.] Substance from which very large journalistic boobs can
be made.
Soul [n.] An aspect of Man which is entirely immaterial.
System [n.] 1. A doomed plan for beating the odds.
2. Computer System, a computer with extra bits added to it in such
a way that each extra bit doubles the chance of the whole thing
failing.
3. Solar System, a few balls of rock and ice which are going down
in the TV ratings.
T
Terminal [n.] 1. Front-ended interface for man-machine interactions.
2. Terminal Room, that place down the corridor from which all the
sobbing can be heard.
Theory [n.] System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen
arbitrarily but preferably with a view to originality,
controversiality, incomprehensibility and how good it would look
in print.
Titrate [v.t.] Judge a beauty contest.
U
Universe [n.] The problem.
University [n.] (Usually remote) institution where people
incapacitated by an intellectual disposition can be put out of
society's way.
V
Vacuum [n.] A state abhorred by Nature (see also LIFE, HAPPINESS,
HAVING A QUIET CUPPA, etc.).
Weapon [n.] An index of the lack of development of a culture;
Nuclear Weapon,
"Atoms or systems into ruin hurl'd.
And now a bubble burst, and now a World."
- Alexander Pope: Essay on Man.
Y
Yo-Yo [n.] Something which is occasionally up but which is normally
down (see also COMPUTER).
Z
Zap [n.] Sound made by death-rays.
Zeal [n.] Quality seen in new post-graduates - if you're quick!