"Ahem!" God cleared his throat loudly. The archangel Gabriel rose from his nap with a guilty look. "Gabriel, have you been asleep again?" God asked. Gabriel, who knew that a question from his boss could only be rethorical, nodded. "How many times do I have to tell you that you have to secure this room with your own immortal soul!?!" God thundered angrily. 'Damned special effects', Gabriel thought, and brought his hair into shape again. He sighed and asked, "What is thy bidding, oh Lord of heaven and earth, wise ruler of the universe, chaser of evil, bla bla bla bla." "I'm just taking care of my creation," the Lord answered. Gabriel went pale and stuttered, "A- A- Armageddon? Now?" He hated the thought of it. Not because he loved humankind so much, it was just that every time he handled the sword of fire and justice he got his wings burned. "What? ... Uh ... no," Allah mumbled absent-mindedly. "I'm just thinking about the life-goals of my little ones," he said and vanished into the almighty computer-room. The Almighty had thought and worried much about His creation lately. The wishes and the positive aspects which made the humans' lives really enjoyable needed to be renewed. Since the dawn of time, humankind had only one desirable goal: to survive. But it seemed creation wasn't satisfied with this alone... it wanted more.
- - -
Jahwe sat before the computer and typed the password... "Jesus". To use the name of his own son as a password was certainly not very creative, but somehow the other side had an allergic reaction to it. In fact, God didn't need any computer, for He was omnipotent, but with about six billion humans to keep track of, this data-processing made it much easier. He had a handwritten paper on which he had written a skeleton framework for the new computer program.The same terrible handwriting had already forced Moses to pick ten barely legible Commandments out of 1200.
0 - 10 years: enjoying of carnival licence
11 - 20 years: the experience of growing up, first love
21 - 29 years: maturity, first home of your own, starting a family
30 - 40 years:
41 - 50 years: looking forward to retiring
51 - 59 years: looking forward to retiring, taking care of your grandchildren
60 - 70 years: happy not to be sent to an old age home and glad that your
children visit you at least once a year
71 - 80 years: nursed and attended by nice and gentle people
81 - 90 years: nursed, attended and washed by nice and gentle people
91 - 100 years: become popular with TV stations as a time-witness
101 - 120 years: visited by the mayor with a bottle of champagne every year
Eons later, the Almighty was exhausted. How easy the Seven Days of Creation were compared to this! He pressed the return key and saved the program. It was nearly finished and only the field for the 30-40 year-olds was empty. Yes, they were really his masterpiece. They were at the peak time of their lives. They were mature (physically as well as mentally), people actually asked for their opinions, they no longer had adolescent problems, yet they exhibited no symptoms of old age. He really had no idea how to improve this group. 'Yes', sighed God, and congratulated Himself proudly. The people at this age were nearer to heaven on earth than any others of His creation.
- - -
Mephistopheles leaned back and wiped the sweat from his brow. He cursed, and hit the keyboard with his fist. Damned computers!!! He should have listened to the nagging doubts in his head when the freshman from earth tried to explain that seducing humankind would be much easier and more effective with such an idiot-box. For this, the Prince of Darkness promoted him to a devil immediately instead of cooking him a thousand years in hell-fire first. "Aristobulus, you son of a bitch, where are you!?!" Old Nick shouted. Almost at that very instant, the door opened and a trembling devil of the lowest class appeared. It was the freshman, a devil still not completely rid of his former human skin. "Wha-What is thy bidding, my Master?", he stuttered. Lucifer grabbed the small one, shook him angrily and threw him into the computer chair. "Since it was you who got me into this trouble, it's you who will get me out of this!!! Quid pro quo... you know what that means, don't you!?! For promoting you to devil without the prerequisite thousand years of hell-fire, I want a computer that functions tip-top!!! Make it work or I'll make the rest of your existence a burning hell... and you can take that literally!" "Wha - What's the task actually?" Aristobulus asked. "The task? To make the lives of humans as miserable as possible. And the old guy up there has just started an improvement program." Aristobulus just frowned and looked at the monitor where data scrolled downwards at an incredible speed. Even a computer of the Lord could be cracked. Aristobulus just smiled. "I think this is something we can work with." The work proceeded fast. To every target group the Lord had outlined, a negative program package was added. From now on, the 0-10 year-olds would wish they were older, the 11-20 year-olds would have terrible acne, the 21-29 year-olds would have to pay exhorbitant interest on their mortgages, the 40-60 year-olds would be terribly afraid Social Security would go bankrupt before their retirement, the 61-70 year-olds would have post-retirement shock and an obsessive desire to be young again, the 71-80 year-olds would have such "nice" nurses that they wouldn't get much older. They were still having difficulties with the 30-40 year-olds. This group was really the masterpiece of Divine Creation. They both spent hours in front of the computer monitor, thinking of possibilities to make these people unhappy. Finally, just as Aristobulus wanted to give up, Lucifer had an idea. "How about 'Maintaining Intended Desire for Life's goals Is a Futile Exercise'?" Aristobulus nodded in agreement. "Damned good idea!! Only the phrase is too long for the computer... I'll use an acronym," he said, and typed 'MIDLIFE crisis'.
T H E E N D
©1998 Rodja Pavlik
Note: This story, authored by my e-pal, mac, was originally written in German.
He was kind enough to translate it for me for inclusion on this web site
and, while his English is very good, any seeming inconsistencies must surely
be attributed to my editing. -gaily
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