Searching for something from my past
I keep hoping someone will call me forward at last
Perhaps not from this life but from another age
To fill a chapter, a book, an empty page

I don't care if I'm rich or poor
I have lived all that before
but I suffer all the time
I want a place, a place all mine.

It doesn't have to be a physical thing
just a place to laugh and a growing to begin
a place for memories I can add
which I think, I have never had

When I slump against the wall
holding my body, curled in a ball
I wonder about this pain
and where it came from, why my heart's lame?

I force myself not to cry
hold it in as tight as I can, in case I die.
My eyes burn but I refuse to let go
I won't let it out, won't let it show.

No matter where I am, I am always lost
always searching for a pair of arms at any cost
I am so adept at being happy it's almost an art
only I know how torn I am, how pulled apart.

I am in limbo, nowhere to go
I am not completely here, I don't really show
I laugh and play and seem happy and gay
when really I bleed and suffer and keep my pain at bay.

I long for a place, a place there is love, all mine
the right kind, the encompassing kind, the soft kind
To be really told I am loved and wanted
and to be able to believe I will no longer be haunted.

Words are cheap, I should know
everyone can talk, they just flow
But words with depth, meaning and drift
that's harder to utter, it's really a gift.

I don't think I'll ever find my tranquil bay
I will forever shut my heart and my sorrows lay
and it makes me sad and angry, I will not speak
in this instance, I am weak.

This is not what I want, to be without a home
I am beautiful and kind, but I am still alone
Yes, I have a partner by my side
but within, my passion hides.

I have the physical gifts and a powerful mind
and I have a man women would love to find
but my passion's not met and no one understands
My need to be loved and why my will to live ran

I will search forever for the light to my heart
or I will, unfulfilled, from this life, part
Maybe only in death there's a home for me
and my magic, my passion, a place to be free.


©1998 Carmen Eva DuHaime

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