1.
I am 48 and divorced,
a woman
2.
I have four children
3.
John was born on
12-30-75
4.
Bekah was born on
07-06-80
5.
Andy was born on
10-25-83
6.
Rory was born on
05-17-92
7.
It is a matter of
pride and I like to remind people that usually it’s only men who can say they
had children in three different decades
8.
My only daughter Bekah
was murdered on 07-19-01, thirteen days after her 21st birthday
9.
Almost a year and a
half later, Bekah's death continues to be the single most informative fact of
my life
10.
I go to grief
counseling; it has not escaped me that even though Bekah was killed I continued
to breathe.
11.
If I am breathing I
want to be living.
12.
I despise religion
13.
It is my heartfelt
belief that people made up god and not the other way around
14.
I believe in love.
15.
I think number 14 should
be number 1.
16.
Regarding number 15,
that only applies to this list I have undertaken today, 01-03-03. Really what
I’m driving at is that love should be number one. Love is what it’s all about,
that’s what I think.
17.
I thought it’s about
time I put an “about” page on my blog.
18.
I wrote my first poem
at age 13 and can’t seem to stop.
19.
My favorite poems are
“The Waking” by Theodore Roethke and “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by
T. S. Eliot
20.
I have two
grandchildren
21.
Micah was born on
09-17-96
22.
Tyler was born on
11-17-98
23.
According to a Chinese
astrology under the table glass at the restaurant where my two younger sons and
I had dinner on New Year’s Eve, I am a Ram who is compatible with each of my
children
24.
Of my four children,
only Andy was both planned and born in wedlock
25.
I despise the term
“illegitimate” when referring to a child. Call me an illegitimate mother if you
have to, but don’t label the innocent because of your puritan hang-ups.
26.
There is no love
stronger in my experience than that love I bear toward my children and
grandchildren
27.
I have a
daughter-in-law and I love her like my own daughter…Denise was born on 04-21-75
28.
My parents both died
on November 23.
29.
My father Frank died
when I was 13, in 1968 of a heart attack. He was 49.
30.
My mother Marie died
when I was 25, in 1980 of cancer five months after suffering a catastrophic
stroke on the day my daughter was due [Bekah was 11 days late]
31.
All of my children
were overdue, in the order in which they were born: John, 15 days late, Bekah,
11 days late, Andy, 9 days late, and Rory, only 6 days late
32.
I had to be induced
with each child. The irony of this is that my grandmother could not carry a
child beyond six months, losing four boys before my mother miraculously
survived [in 1925 hardly any babies survived being three months premature], and
my sister was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix after delivering her first
child three months early [he survived too, still a rarity in 1966].
33.
I say okay, Grandma
Blanche and Carolyn had incompetent cervixes, apparently my cervix is
overprotective.
34.
To borrow the
expression from a fellow writer at the late community Writtenbyme, I am a black
woman in a white body.
35.
I believe that this
planet is capable of supporting all of the life upon it without war, famine, or
murder.
36.
I believe in life
after death and this belief has been strengthened and refined by my darling
daughter in numerous amazing ways.
37.
I think the song
“Imagine” by John Lennon is a very important song. Listen to it sometime, you
might agree.
38.
I think that this year
of 2003 will be good for me personally; I may even publish a book this year
39.
As for the rest of the
world, my country, I believe these are the scariest times of my life. George W.
Bush? A moron, an idiot, a warmonger with way, way too much power.
40.
I believe that
murderers cannot get away with it. Here or there, murderers, take your pick if
you think you can and think you want to…justice lives with love, here or there.
41.
“There” is…the other
side. The great beyond. A parallel dimension perhaps. I don’t like to call it
heaven because religion has so infected our perception of “heaven.” I don’t
think it’s angels playing harps and sitting on god’s knee, for sure.
42.
I believe we are souls
who move from eternity to time and back, and very possibly back and back and
back.
43.
I believe there very
possibly are multiple cosmoses where souls in their mortal incarnations live
and die, and possibly even multiple eternities where souls only live
44.
I look forward to
seeing Bekah when I die, and feel blessed and grateful when she comes into my
dreams in the meantime
45.
I see her in the sky
and hear her on the radio. In code, in clouds.
46.
I miss her intensely
and wrestle often with bitterness over her unjust death
47.
I think about the
person who murdered my daughter more than is healthy. Time and my will to
overcome bitterness are the only answers for this
48.
In the meantime I have
many fantasy conversations every day, in courtrooms, in movies, on the TV, with
reporters, district attorneys, the murderer’s husband and so-called “friends,”
and sometimes I stop talking in my fantasy, and start doing.
49.
I am an inveterate
insomniac
50.
I never stop thinking.
Never.
51.
Sometimes I really
wish I would stop thinking for a while.
52.
Since Bekah died the
only meaningful work I can see for myself other than writing and mothering my
children is advocacy and activism.
53.
I am not patient.
54.
Writing keeps me sane.
55.
My children keep me
going.
56.
Love is what matters
the most to me. Because I love, I have hope for not only my own future but even
the future of mankind.
57.
I practice stichomancy.
58.
Spiritualism has been
the closest thing to religion that has meant anything to me since Bekah died.
If Bekah had not died, I’ve no doubt I would have moseyed on to my own death
satisfied with what I had already figured out about the spirit before that.
59.
Until it happens, it
will never happen. Don’t doubt it. This was lesson one after my only daughter
was murdered on a San Pedro street on 07-19-01.
60.
I’m sick of me and
will stop at sixty today.
61.
nope. 61: my name is
Barbara, I’m a Virgo, southern CA, bleached blonde/green, 5’3” don’t even ask
how much I weigh. I’m 47 years old.
62.
[ok, I’ll stop at 62]
I never lie about my age because I figure I didn’t dictate when I was born, why
should I be embarrassed and/or ashamed of it? On the other hand, my weight is
on me. It’s ALL on me, and there’s maybe 50 pounds too much of it. that’s all
you get don’t ask for more. Til later.
63.
It is now 09-13-03; update time
64.
for the past year i have been painting after having been persuaded to try it by a good friend from my grief counseling group
65.
about a month or two after bekah's 22nd birthday on 07-06-02, i began liking some of the paintings
66.
in keeping with the pledge i made on her birthday to "live for bekah," i continue to make paintings and believe that she is with me when i make one i like...bekah was an artist, who wrote in her diary less than one month before her death: "i've been seeing in geometrical shapes lately. i think it' a sign for me to start painting.":
67.
At this point in time i am considering some ways i may be able to make money from the painting. i should, i do it so much.
68.
my son Andy is in the navy and as i write this just lost his seat in journalism school for drinking. he is 19 years old.
69.
i have just recently begun to see a man for the first time since bekah's death
70.
the ups and downs of dating are new and old again...and the man seems determined to teach me the hard way. via tests.
71.
Rory made the presidents honor roll and is now in 6th grade.
72.
Andy got his seat in journalism school after a half day. He told me yesterday, 09-27-03.
73.
Lately i paint more than i write; but i still like what i write more, or at least think it is better.
74.
the personal page i have been working on since 1997 is at: http://geocities.datacellar.net/bbalesgeo ... it's called Bales Law. 
75.
10-08-03 update: i sold three paintings before i took the first formal step to attempt to do so, to a fellow blogger whom i have grown to love in a very short period of time, thanks to his scintillating taste in art and faith in me, as artist. [and i thank bekah]
76.
1-18-05 update: when i was about five years old, my brother john [older than me by 16 months] was throwing darts at the wood siding in front of our house...he warned me to stop walking in front of him. then he nailed me in the back of my head with a dart. blood in the blonde...
77.
also when i was five years old: had just been freed to cross the street by myself [this was 1960 suburbia, not so scandalous as it sounds 43 years later], and had on a pair of toy high heels, the kind that barely stayed on the feet by criss crossed elastic. it was near the end of the block, and there was a neighbor girl standing on the jameson's porch who told me to be careful. then my next door neighbor, who had just turned 16 and got his driver's license, came around the corner in a big green car right into my face. i got a bloody nose and spooked crossing streets for awhile; years later after his family had long since moved out of the neighborhood, the person who hit me confided that he was "messed up" for a long time over having done that.
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Barbara Bales 1970-2003 all rights reserved
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