All time runs out -
All money too.
I sit and worry. I fret and do nada
I organize compulsively.
Get a Job-------
It's getting dark, the weather is foul.
I've been unemployed for one long month -
Andy's team beat the Dodgers! 1st playoff game.
We're moving to a slum (?) in Long Beach - maybe.
It's a roof.
Like few or no other times in this life - uncertainty and poverty shade the future to a near black -
Scaring me!
Depression lives within me and thrives like a cancer.
I think of death more than in the past --
Was your life marked for mayhem -
Was a map produced before you were
With lines immutably pointing?
Or is it just all your fault,
This faulty mind,
This Immature.
Do you have to decide?
Do you have to JUST ride out
this sorrow, this dependency?
Whatever happened to the days when I felt ABLE and STRONG?
Do I get them again? I dunno.
I'm in the desert a child again.
The wanton one sneaking around after dark.
Afraid to disturb - wanting not to piss off.
And just like Manhattan Beach a train whistles by a mile or so in the distance and sounding at my door -
So - my life is stored in Pearblossom
I kept packing it up and throwing it out and trying to sell it.
As ever the fool I didn't want to believe how truly I was losing it.
4 hours on the Road -
Some people do it all the time.
I'm a burden to those who love me, a nuisance to those who don't -
I feel the world is saying DIE.
No longer able effectively to deny
that I'm a failure
and a burden to those who love me.
Why was I born? To grace the world though not with myself.
Those humans I made. Those people I created. They grace the world and prove MY worth -
That's a lot to hang on a child…
Unnamed called me. But not again. My ache! Could I pull up roots? That is a tough tough one: I always knew I was rooted - near where air smells of salt. I always knew the Nature I adored was the wet wet Pacific - I appreciated though never often enough.
These days of sadness and scrounging and
nearly non-stop struggle have come too late, I fear -
They are not making me strong.
They do not refresh my resolve.
They only come rushing me like a herd of buffalo --
FAST AND STRONG AND SHAKING THE PLANET
They frighten me.
They diminish me.
They kill me.
____________________
So you will greet 40 tired and sweating and sucking the love from your children like some bizarrely reversed pregnancy -Oh you tried to swallow it -
You tried turning it loose
But the hold of it was the
Other way around.
So finally you embraced it.
It was a man
any old man
Not the ONE man who could
have redeemed it
or kept it to himself!
Just like that you were quite, quite
old.
Everything about you got tired and fat -
And you had lost so much caring
This time you said nah
And bitterness smiled
only bitterness
at the Hangar - waiting for a call: from lifer
from Bekah
Losing my children.
At the seminar they said take care of yourself.
Did I lose myself?
I feel SO WRONG if I do not take care of my children!
I feel a wedge being forced and I cannot control nor stop it at all.
HOW I MISS THEM.
MAKE A PLAN:
All weekend w/me until school ends.
Then, all week. Andy, every other weekend Bek.
Wednesday Bake cinnamon (sic?) rolls cinnamon? Whatever Thursday
Ranch
lie in the sun
Kitchen floors, laundry
bask in the jacuzzi
get sun
Jacuzzed…
learn how to relax
computer
Yeah - transcribing
take calls don't make calls
Movies…1 movie all day long -
learn how to relax
Teach Ror how to read
progress on computer -
Call 3 people, go to studio apt
Call customers
Call GTE
No.
Check out: schools
JTPA
bag all orders if not done - check oil, gas, etc. - make sure your $ will be there Friday.
Call Andy if he didn't call Wed night.
bales law
Email me
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