He can be thoroughly infantile and does not hesitate to use his sheltered state against my vulnerable one. Spitting out bile about a situation he knows dick about. And if I was to respond in kind - well. What kind of fucking stupid bitch would I be?

We need to work on this temper of the fire's. I hang in, seeing him at times grappling with his own infantilism and inappropriate outbursts. Part of the reason I believe he loves me is that I can see a glimpse of a child trying to become an adult.

At other times I think the pain and fear he engenders with this behavior, in Rory and I both, is purely abusive, totally sexist, and probably unchanging. It's proportion. A slight annoyance for most is a cardinal sin.

We're never ready for the force of his anger. never.

He's just so comfy being pissed. Rory and I want to be happy. Sometimes I think he'll never allow that.

And then, the shoe NEVER EVER is on the other foot. Express impatience or annoyance with the fire: Get it back Tenfold.

Whatever. We're both overtired and frustrated for our own valid reasons. No reason to take it out on each other. But that is what he does.

Sometimes I think…I won't stand this forever. Then he shows me such love, he's generous and fun to be around, and I think, okay, we'll make it.

But really, I do not know if we will make it.

First of all is the fire. He maintains a wall. No ring. No marriage. And when he finds fault he cannot even say he loves me. He does not feel it. And the fault he is finding is me. I mean it does not always, or even often, come about as a result of something I did or did not do. Sometimes me being me is more than the fire can love.

And he relents, because he loves me, and he overlooks the negatives for a sec. Mostly though he dwells on the negatives and appears to want it to be that way. And I do not agree with or fathom that mindset.

But what's the point of sharing MY nitpicking complaints with Gonman? He'll turn it on me so fucking fast. I'll be the bad guy so fucking fast.

So. I write it.

Déjà vu