Sue's Beautorium

Sue’s Beautorium

Small Texas Beauty Shop. Door opens and customer walks in.

Sue: Come on in Nadine. I’m nearly done here with Pearl. I’m on the last round of spraying. (Sprays hairspray heavily and then coughs maniacally) Whew. I’m O.K. now. Sorry Pearl, years of hairspray are catching up with me. My lungs are coated in it. Some people have tar lungs from smoking. Mine are crystallized from hairspray.

Pearl: Oh dear.

Sue: Last time I saw the doctor he read me the riot act about using aerosols. Said I should be using the pump sprays. But that stuff is so misty it ruins all my work! The hair goes flat! 10 min of buffonting down the drain. The aerosol gives a more shellacked look, which is of course my trademark. I just can’t give up my Aqua Net until I close this place down. (Sprays heavily again and goes into another coughing fit.)

Pearl: Looks wonderful Sue. I’ll see you back here next week. Hey Nadine I’ll call you later. I missed “One life to Live” yesterday and need you to fill me in.

Nadine: Oh you missed a good one!

Pearl: Oh shoot!

Nadine: Call me!

Pearl: I’m going to call you! Shoot! I have to stop by the store first. Ran out of coffee creamer and Velveeta.

Sue: See you later Pearl. (Door shuts)

Nadine: (sits down) I haven’t missed “One Life to Live” in 12 years. That was the last time I took a vacation. Warren and I went to San Antonio to see the Alamo and we didn’t get back to the motel in time. I missed the show by 15 minutes! I was so blame mad at Warren because he had to stop and gawk at all the guns at the Alamo.

Sue: Men and guns…

Nadine: Bunch of broken guns from 150 years ago. Could have gone back and seen them in the morning…without me! I don’t like missing my story.

Sue: I know it. (hands her a book and sprays) Oh look here I added some new hairstyles to my book to choose from.

Nadine: (coughs) Oh I’ll glance through them while you do my hair. I’ll keep my same style though.

Sue: You better! Your hair is perfect as is. I don’t think I’d recognize you in another hairstyle.

Nadine: I’ve had the same style since Warren and I got married back in 1963. He said I looked like Bea Benaderet and well..if it makes me look like her I’m never changing it. She was in Petticoat Junction you know. Kate. She had a natural beauty.

Sue: I remember. That’s why I sometimes forget and call you Bea.

Nadine: I thought that was because I kind of resemble Aunt Bea from the Andy Griffith show.

Sue: I suppose that too. You should have been named Bea.

Nadine: I know it. (flipping pages) Oh here’s a cute one. But I can’t wear my hair to my shoulders though. No. Never wore it long and wouldn’t know how to manage it. As a child my mother always cut my hair short.

Sue: (Sprays the back heavily while talking and coughs a bit) You have too much natural curl in your hair anyway. Stick with the hairdo you have Bea. Shoot now you got me fogetting your name.

Nadine: Its understandable what with me looking so much like Bea.

Sue: Aunt Bea?

Nadine: and Benaderet.

Sirens outside.

Nadine: Sirens…..

Sue: Ambulance. I can tell.

Nadine: Well if anyone would know you would.

Sue: I’m gonna spray the front now. (sprays heavily and coughs uncontrollably)

Nadine: (coughs) I have to be careful to cover my face when you spray. Last time I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my eyes while I was driving home. I couldn’t quite close them. Then I realized the lashes were glued to my skin in the open position from the spray. Never had that happen before.

Sue: My eyesight is going bad. Did I spray directly into your face?

Nadine: Its possible. I generally can’t tell because its just a huge fog of spray.

Sue: I have to do it Nadine. Otherwise your hair wouldn’t stay in place until you get back here next week.

Nadine: I’m not complaining. I just have to remember to cover my eyes, and close my mouth, too. Otherwise I taste hairspray for the rest of the day. And I’m making meatloaf tonight. Don’t want that stuff sticking to my teeth. My meatloaf is gummy enough, but good.

Sue: I don’t know if I’d recognize the taste of meatloaf anymore, or any food for that matter. My taste buds are shot from this spray.

Nadine: Maybe they’re just coated. Maybe if you have your tongue cleaned or something.

Sue: Would need a sandblasting.

Nadine: Well maybe the dentist can recommend some sort of solvent that’ll clean your tongue.

Sue: I’ve never heard of such a thing.

Nadine: Well I’m just thinking of ideas. I have no idea what dentists have available to them.

Sue: I get the same lecture from him as the doctor. “Quit using the hairspray!” Well call me stubborn but I am not stopping.

Nadine: They have no idea what hairstyling is all about.

Sue: I know it. Cover up I’m going to spray again. (loud long spraying followed by coughing and choking.)

Sirens outside approaching.

Sue: Hang on, that sounds like a fire engine now.

Siren stops and flashing lights seen through the window. A fireman opens the door and enters coughing a bit from the spray.

Jim: (coughs) Hey Sue. Just checking. Got a call about smoke coming from your place and I have to check out all those 911 calls. You understand.

Sue: I understand. We’re fine.

Jim: Well I figured you were. Darlene came with me.

Young woman enters.

Darlene: I was down at the station when the call came in. Figured I could get a ride out here and get my ends trimmed a bit. That’s all I need.

Sue: Have a seat Darlene. Betty’s not here yet so I may squeeze you in.

Darlene: Thanks!

Jim: You know, Sue, ever since so many drivers have gotten these cell phones your number of smoke reportings has increased dramatically.

Sue: Sorry about that Jim. I’m not sure what to do. They can see my place from the highway and they just call. I have to crack the windows for ventilation. (Sprays the finishing touches on Nadine’s hair. Several people cough.)

Jim: Well I’m thinking of bringing up the issue at the next town council meeting. Maybe we can get a sign posted from the highway that says something like…"Industrial Chemical Spraying Ahead" or "Global Warming Test Area" or "Gaseous Materials Ahead - Use Service Road." That way they wouldn’t really see your place from the highway.

Sue: That may solve the problem. I don’t have any preference. Whatever you and the council decide is fine with me. Just don’t plan on me giving up the Aqua Net!

(Group laughter)

Jim: (laughing) I’m not that dumb. Anyway, I would… (gets a call and grabs his phone.)

Jim: (speaking into the phone) I’m here now. Yes. I can confirm there is no smoke or fire. Yes. (hangs up.) As I was going to say, I would recommend unloading that socket fixture you have here. Its not a good idea having your curling iron, blow dryer, hair curler, coffee maker, and microwave all hooked up to the same outlet. And also, all those cans of Aqua Net shouldn’t be stored in the same closet as your gas heater.

Sue: I like everything close so I don’t have to move much.

Jim: I understand. But you could actually have a fire from this and if we start putting up signs or diverting traffic off the highway we’d never hear about it, save for a massive exploding sound, of course.

Sue: Well I’ll move them to other outlets then. I have a storage area in the back that I can load the Aqua Net in. But I’m going to be running back and forth all day now getting cans. Maybe I can get another cabinet built up front there. I don’t know…

Jim: O.K. then. I’ll be back later to get you Darlene. Usually get one or two calls around rush hour so if you can wait until then it will save me a trip.

Darlene: That’s fine Jim. I’ll just chat with Sue and the other girls.

Jim leaves.

Darlene: He’s just doing his job Sue, you understand.

Sue: Oh I do. If there is one thing I understand it’s to respect a professional’s opinion. And that’s why I’m going to recommend to you today, Darlene, speaking as your professional beautician, that you finally cut off all that hair and get a nice short cut that I can work with more easily. I can bring the entire hair up into a beehive which would show off the shape of your lovely face more. Then, with the use of my hairspray, I can form it into a solid crystal mass that I guarantee will stay in place until your appointment the following week. You won’t have to shampoo, comb, or fuss for a week.

Darlene: (looking at herself in the mirror) You think I’m ready Sue? I have been thinking about it…

Sue: Yes I think you’re ready. I know I am…

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