The Dog Communicator

The newest item on technology's cutting edge is The Dog Communicator. Although experimental, an engineer is testing his latest work..

Engineer: (making computer adjustments as a dog wired to it sits next to him) Hello. Can you understand this?

Lefty the Dog: (ears perking up)

Engineer: Lefty....lift your paw.

Lefty lifts a paw.

Engineer: Yes! I've converted your barking response patterns into text that I can read and respond back to you with this simulated barking device.

Lefty: (looks at the engineer, panting)

Engineer: So..this is incredible don't you think? We'll finally be able to really communicate with each other.

Lefty: I'm a dog.

Engineer: Yes I know..

Lefty: Got anything to munch on?

Engineer: (pausing ) Ok hang on.… all I have are a few of these. (shows some dog biscuits)

Lefty: Ooooo..I'll take 'em! (Grabs them up and chews loudly) Wow these things are crisp!

Engineer: Lefty, can I get your attention for one minute? I wanted to ask you a few questions.

Lefty: Sorry...can't hear a thing now. Killed my hearing with these things. These delicious, scrumptious things.

Engineer: (sighs) Lefty...you live with Todd right?

Lefty: (Still crunching loudly..sliding the biscuit parts from one side of the mouth to the other while talking) Yea Todd! (bits spray out of his mouth) I love Todd. He's great!

Engineer: And you two get along?

Lefty: (munching) Oh sure! Although you gotta be careful not to tick him off..short fuse you know.

Engineer: What do you mean?

Lefty: Well, he wants the bed, but that's ok, because I get any space I want under the bed... which is roomy by the way! And I can't eat off his plate. Woo he hates that. But I get this very, very large sack of beefy crunchy bits that he keeps under the sink. And I can sit anywhere I'd like... as long as I keep my smelly dog hair off the sofa and my grubby mouth isn't within 10 feet of the recliner. He gets a little testy about that. I still think leather is for chewing, but he feels differently. I've spent many a night with the gophers out back for forgetting that little ditty! (laughs to himself) I have quite a belt collection if you ever want to see it.

Engineer: Perhaps..

Lefty: I see a hand not doing much! (nudges his head under the engineer's hand) Can you scratch behind my ear here? Can I get you to do that?

Engineer: Sure I suppose so.. (scratches behind the dog's ears)

Lefty: AHHHHHHH…Oh man I'm feeling good now…Here it comes..here it comes…(leg starts thumping)

Engineer: What else can you tell me?

Lefty: Well… every morning he gets up and heads off in search of food. Many days he's totally unsuccessful. An entire day shot..sun up until sun down. Often he comes back with things that aren't even food. I mean, can't he smell this isn't food? Then I have to show him by taking the item and trying to chew it with my teeth. "See Todd? See? This isn't edible." I'll chew it and fling it about really making my point. Of course this upsets him, but it has to be done. After that I leave him alone for a bit to think it over….usually while I wander around the backyard.

Engineer: I see..

Lefty: Say what's that?? (runs over to the window wires dragging) Who's that? Who's that??? I see someone!! (sniffing at the window) Don't you see that person out there? (jumping and barking). What are you doing out there? Get off our grass! Open the window..I'll chase her off! Ah she's gone. She heard me. She's gone. No need for further alarm! (walking back over to the cushion)

Lefty: (suddenly jumping up to smell the Engineer's mouth) What'd you have for dinner? What's that I'm smelling? Something spicy…Italian sausage? . (taking another long smell) Definitely had tuna on rye within the past 12 hours.

Engineer: (pushing Lefty down) Lefty, I want to ask you a few things.

Lefty: Sure..what do you want to know?

Engineer: Well, I've always been curious. Is there any sort of dog history that's been passed on through the generations? Are there events that have happened to dogs that have changed the course of how dogs now behave and live?

Lefty: Well...no.. I don't think so.

Engineer: Take your time..think.

Lefty: (thinks for a few seconds)

Lefty: Hmmm….No

Engineer: How about ideas developed that only dogs can understand?

Lefty: Ideas...ideas...no…none of those either.

Engineer: Anything at all relevant that you've been trying to communicate with us about?

Lefty: Oh sure! Things come up all the time. Just yesterday I spent 30 minutes trying to get Todd to understand, "What's this at the bottom of the trash?" until I finally just ripped the bag open. Got a few chicken bones so it was worth it. Of course he never heard me screaming into the backdoor screen just moments later, "Who let the Great Dane in the yard?!? I'm gonna need 3 bowls of water and at least an hour of my time back there now!" That sort of thing. TRUCK! (darts over to the window) HUGE TRUCK APPROACHING! There it is! (barking madly) WOW! Did you see that? Went right by!

Engineer: Lefty! Come back over here.. Sit down!

Lefty: (sits down)

Engineer: Well you seem pretty content with your life. True?

Lefty: Oh yea! Todd is a pretty decent one to live with. I don't appreciate the flea baths, but other than that I'm content. Just don't bring up cats. That's one subject that SETS ME OFF! Sorry…but I've had it up to HERE with them! (moves his paw up to his forehead) Does remind me of a funny story though. True story too…I'm down at the corner bush by the boxer's house. And we're barking a bit. And suddenly this cat walks by. It wanders the area…a calico. Now me and cats are like…don't get me started with cats! Anyway, I bolt for it hoping to get a piece of its neck and I guess it moved. Next thing you know my head is hitting the hydrant hard! Suddenly I think I'm Lassie chasing Timmy on his bicycle, but I can't feel my feet touching the ground!

Lefty: I wasn't right for days after that. My tongue just sort of drooped off to one side, I had a strange hankering for schnitzel, and I insisted on wearing one of Todd's smelly socks around my neck like an ascot a la Sir Laurence Olivier. Hey you know what I could go for right now? Take a wild guess..go on!

Engineer: I have no idea..

Lefty: Ever have one of those treats, beefy flavor with the crunchy nugget center? You got any of those laying around? (jumps down and smells around a closet) Where do you hide those things? Todd keeps them in a cupboard above the refrigerator. I can spend an afternoon thinking about them….

Engineer: (sighs realizing that after 18 years of his life devoted to developing the Dog Communicator it was basically a waste of time and effort)

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