I actually hand-wrote this entry on the date it occurred, late at night. It was one of my best entries, with the wording bordering on poetic, and the imagery was more vivid than what I normally use. Unfortunately, I left that entry at home, so you're stuck with whatever I cobble together between phone calls here at work.
We have a grape arbor in our back yard....it's not really an arbor. It's more of two posts holding up another post that the grapes grow on. All the grapes have ripened, and my parents picked them while I was out. There's not as many as one would hope, but I have no doubt we'll have more than our fill of them in future years.
Assuming I'm still on speaking terms with these people.
I want to always live in a house with grapes growing out back. It seems so...19th Century. I don't know why.
I'm not sure why I was so hostile towards Roachboy yesterday. Part of it is that I was honestly only trying to be kind, and he just shoved it back in my face. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I know a lot of people think of me as a bitch royale....or, as Roachboy often puts it, self-destructive and confused, but I'm generally rather nice to everyone. Including people I actively dislike, if I think I dislike them for petty reasons.
I mean, I was always nice to Krisco while she and Dirk were still dating (until two months before he dumped her), even though I really hated her guts. I just assumed that my opinion was biased because I was involved with Dirk, and tried not to let it affect the way I treated her.
Hypocrite, yes I know. Envy me not
Also, I want Roachboy to hate me, and I don't think he's hit that level yet. I need him to hate me.....I don't know why. Maybe because if he hates me, he won't waste his time telling me how great my life could be if I just dumped Dirk and, say, started traveling around.
I won't do it. I don't wish to. I don't want people questioning my decisions anymore, and I don't want people acting as though I know not how to care for myself. I've been through more ugliness in 19 years (almost 20, now) than most have in 40-50. Most of that was thanks to my mother. Believe it or not, she's mellowed out a great deal in the past few years.....at least the (physical, etc...) abuse stopped. And yes, I know there's worse out there, people who have gone through horrors I have been spared.
I don't pity myself, and I don't use it an excuse for the way I act. I'm not even that bitter/angry about it anymore. Roachboy always said it was because I hadn't come to terms with the abuse, and had locked the worst parts away so they didn't hurt anymore. I don't think that's it. When I was younger, I used to think about it all the time, in detail, to de-sensitize myself.
I had to. The only time I tried to get help, my mother denied it, citing the fact that I was a liar (you tell me what you would do if your mother beat you black and blue for losing a pen cap), and my guidance couselors dropped it. Just like that. ::shrugs:: Anyway, it scared her enough to make her stop. But I still had to live with her, and de-sensitizing myself was/is the only way I could live with her without killing her.
I don't think about it often, anymore. I don't know why I thought about it just now, except that I think people should quit assuming I'm a spoiled little bitch who's never had a bit of hardship in her life, other than problems I create for myself.
My kitten, Sasha, caught a baby dove. My mother, protectress of all things inhuman(e), took it away from my vocally disappointed cat, and installed it in the aquarium intended for my siamese fighting fish to heal. I don't hold out too much hope. I feel sorry for the bird, though. Stuck in a house with seven cats....
Alex went home early today. Turns out, he strained his colon. Wonder how.....?
I start college soon. For once, I am actually excited. A new start....
I got a longer e-mail from C--...I feel so honored. I'm starting to feel the same weird distance/bonding that I did with Jason. Some dark/amused/confused emotions coming from C--....I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to behave. I'm worried that no matter what I say, it will always be the wrong thing.
Honestly, I should not care about anyone anymore.
Katie, Dirk and I went out, ate ice cream, and talked for a while. Dirk may get a job where Katie works. Tomorrow is her last day.