I don't know how much longer I can handle these anger flare-ups. Today, I found myself ready to attack Dirk because I was hurt that he didn't spendtime with me last night. And I found myself telling him I didn't want him around me tomorrow night-even though that wasn't what I wanted at all. Sometimes I can be incredibly spiteful, and I can't seem to stop.
It's hard to accept that I cannot cure myself of this rage that seems to constantly run through my veins. Like a schizophrenic, I can control my condition, so that the problem no longer seems to exist, but I am never cured. When I forget to control it, I find myself boiling over with anger over the smallest things.
I talked to a friend about it last night, and his question was, "Why is anger bad?" I lash out at and/or destroy things when I am angry-objects, relationships, myself. And I sometimes realize what I am doing, and try desperately to stop myself, but I can't seem to do it. The rage screams in my mind, demanding to be satisfied, and it's hard to be lucid through it. Sometimes I wonder how long it will be before it takes over completely. Sometimes I wonder if I am already insane.
Enough self-examination. Dirk says I do that too much anyway. I'm starting to get really suspicious of Alex (my evil co-worker). He told me today about a man in drag that he saw on the street (he made sure to clarify that he was talking about a transvestite, in case I was completely stupid). Apparently, the man had his dick and balls wrapped so tightly in rubber bands that they were almost invisible. Alex described in detail the man's pubic hair (he was wearing clothing that displayed the groin area) and the desperate search dont by his friend and him to determine the transvestite's gender. He then went on to show me the teddy bear that he bought at (he confided in a whisper) a gay book store. Of course, all the gay guys were staring at him, overwhelmed by passion (I think it's more likely that they were overwhelmed by disgust). For a guy who claims to be homophobic, Alex seems pretty fascinated by homosexuals and transsexuals. I think he's a closet gay who uses homophobia to cover this up.
Dirk met my Arch-Nemesis today, after he took the Clerical Examinations for Civil Service. His first comment was, "Is he gay?" It's not just me! I feel vindicated for my suspicions.
Last night, I was watching T.V.-something I normally try to avoid- with my cousin. We spent half an hour watching "Love Line" before I got completely disgusted and went to bed. The topper for me was this complete idiot who called up, because she was going to marry this guy in a few months, but they'd broken up for a six-month period in the past. During that six months, she slept with about 15 guys. She wanted to know if she should tell her fiance. Stupid, stupid question! Of course not....there's not a nice way to bring this up. "Um...honey, there's something I need to tell you. For about six months, I was the female equivalent of 7-11-open 24 hours." That should make him more comfortable with the idea of marrying her. This stupidity, coming after the woman who wanted instructions on using her vibrator, and the man who announced on videophone that he liked to masturbate in public places, was too much for me. I'm not a prude, and I don't have a weak stomach. There's just something wrong with all these people who need to share their nasty little sex problems with the entire world. Get a library card, look it up...it's not that hard. And it saves you the public humiliation.