So, Aaron, Dirk and I had a long talk about how betrayed Aaron felt because we "went behind his back." Schwa?!?
Let me give you guys a bit of advice. Don't have anything to do with musicians. Don't date them, don't join a band, nothing. They are all flakes. Flakes, flakes, flakes, flakes, flakes. If it wasn't for the fact that I honestly love these guys, I'd have walked away, shaking my head, long ago.
We sat in Dirk's dimly lit and constantly stuffy room for two hours, talking about band relationships. For once, Aaron's voice didn't have that annoying edge to it — I do not know of any way to describe it. He almost always sounds vaguely snotty, but not lately. Especially not since it was made clear to him that he is not indispensable to the band. Especially when he came to the realization that the past five years of his life with Sonia were almost worthless. Especially when he can't pretend he doesn't care anymore. Especially when we're all he's got.
There are no chairs in the room Dirk's using now. There isn't any room for chairs. There's enough room on the floor next to the bed for a largish person to lie down. Or for several people to sit cross-legged. Anyway, not enough room for a chair if you want to walk, too. Aaron was propped up against the wall, sitting on the floor. Dirk was lying down. After we finished talking (and I do not think anything was resolved), Dirk drifted off to sleep while I was still talking to Aaron.
There are a lot of old wounds there. He's never going to be the same again; he's never going to look at other people the same again. He's led a sheltered life with a sheltered idea of what love was like. What Sonia did was wake him up to a reality we all knew better than to push on him — we knew he'd reject it. And reject us.
Some things simply have to be learned through experience.
Since Dirk was asleep, Aaron walked me to the car. We talked about whether or not fixing up the car was even worthwhile. I've almost decided to buy a new one, because I really don't want to constantly worry whether or not the car I'm driving is going to break down. My mother and I have almost come to terms — however, I still have at least a couple months to think about it.
Dirk and I put a down payment on the Venus guitar. It's going to be the last guitar Dirk gets in a long, long time. His money isn't going to be this unfettered for a while. Besides, they discontinued the Venus model — if you could see it, or you know what I'm talking about, it's gorgeous. I can't believe they discontinued the entire Vista Series. It's going to be worth a lot of money, very soon.
My stress level has taken a sharp drop today. That would be because I've taken the phone off the hook so I don't have to deal with all those idiots who can't be bothered to leave a message on voice mail when they don't get the person they wanted right away. I hate 98% of the people who call my office for help, I swear.
I've been drowsing at my desk with a phone at my ear, pretending to be on hold. Yes, I'm that tired. I need a stable lifestyle. I need to move out of my house. I need a damn chainsaw. I need to get my goddamn period.
A little light blinks on the phone in lieu of ringing (since the phone is off the hook), signifying that a call is being ignored. Too bad. Perhaps the taxpayers can stop thinking that it's perfectly alright to make a nuisance out of themselves simply because their taxes pay my salary. It don't work that way, folks. You could be directly paying for my living out-of-pocket. If you're rude to me, you're going to get the same right back. I do not suffer fools lightly.
I think we're going to see a movie with Katie on Friday. "Eyes Wide Open" or some such. I've never even heard of it, but Katie's description mentioned orgies. I never said I had refined tastes.
I'm getting my bangs cut tonight, because my life is just so unbearably exciting. And I can barely see. I've been putting it off forever.
I feel energetic without the cigarettes. I don't like feeling energetic. Lethargy keeps me safe; it lessens the likelihood of me getting angry or over-excited. If you saw me right now, you'd tell me I looked half-asleep, as usual. Thanks to an odd gene pool, these eyes don't open wide unless I get really scared or really pissed off. Besides, being energetic when you're so tired that you're taking bathroom breaks so you can sit in the stall and nap isn't very pleasant. It's also a contradiction.
Back to sleep. Goodnight.
