I hate Awakenings. I hate being reminded that there's more to my life, my thoughts, my world than the soap-opera-esque details of my life. I don't want to remember who I am/was/will be/could have been. Escape. That's all I want.
C-- sent me the lyrics of a song once:
"Cold and Ugly"
Underneath her skin and jewelry,
hidden in her words and eyes
is a wall that's cold and ugly
and she's scared as hell.
Trembling at the thought of feeling.
Wide awake and keeping distance.
Nothings seems to penetrate her.
She's scared as hell.
I am frightened too.
Wide awake
and keeping distance from my soul.
I am scared like you.
Sometimes I wonder how someone who seems to understand me so completely can be drifting so far away from me.
I dated a guy who constantly searched for the purest of emotions...joy, rage, love, whatever. I never wanted the pureness. Being pure is being empty. I look for the tainted things, the muddled things. The soiled quality of their impurity gives them a substance the purest forms could never possess. Take joy, for instance. In its purest form, we cannot truly appreciate it. We experience pure joy when we're children. Do we enjoy it then? Not really. It's not until later, when that joy is tinged with regret, longing, or a fear of it never happening again, that we appreciate it. That we truly understand it's what we're feeling.
He was also on a quest for empathy. What good does that do you? Someone feels the same as you do...marvelous. They get a cookie. Then what? What can you do with it? Nothing. You might feel a little less alone, but it's only an illusion. Trust me, we're alone.
That deranged rocking back and forth between our drive for understanding and our realization that no-one will ever completely understand us....that's what can make you want to hide. We aren't built to understand the underlying cosmic jokes inherent in our natures. Hiding from yourself is so much easier.
I saw an interesting sign on the side of one of those vendor's carts on the way to work. It said: Beef Formaldahyde. That's lovely. I wasn't aware those little vendor's carts carried formaldahyde, much less beef flavored. I wonder what you could use it for...sauce?
Three hours of sleep is just not enough to expect productivity at work. I just spent the past 5 minutes contemplating the aftershave some guy bathed his application in....what, did he do it for the same reason some women perfume their stationary? Because it's sexy? Some people will do anything to get a job.