Sometimes, when I’m cold, tired, dabbling with some disease, and at work, I think of the fantastic life I could have if I just gave up and got myself committed. I mean, yeah, abuse, drugging, and having to hang around with the mentally ill, but I don’t see a downside otherwise. Do they let you read books in a mental institution? I don’t think it would be hard to get committed – all I’d have to start doing is remove the crazy filter I use for everything I say.
It’s a nice dream, but I have a hard time accepting help from anyone; this is a fact. Last weekend was the most utterly humiliating weekend of my life because my mother first insisted on paying for my car tax ($400+), and then loaning me money ($250) so we could make rent. I was so embarrassed by this that I nearly started crying, I swear to fucking god. I just felt like a miserable failure of a human being because Dirk lost his job, my huge increase in pay still isn’t enough to support the two of us, and now my parents know. That’s the worst of it: my parents know. When my mom was trying to get the details of how much money we needed to get rent, she was saying, very kindly, “I can’t help you if you won’t tell me.”
To which, I bitterly responded, “I’m sorry, we’re the family that doesn’t talk about our problems, remember?”
And still, she was kind, and understanding, even through my attempts to put her off, even though I was/am/was desperate. That made it so much worse, as far as I’m concerned. I ended up taking the money, and swallowing my guilt, because we fucking need to survive.
I do have a plan to make at least part of that money back this week-end: my father and I are holding a yard sale. All the treasures I’ve gathered through the years (or, at least, those which have no significance to me any longer), will be put up for sale.
One good thing is I found my Lady Docs (the ones with the heels), after two years of my father insisting that I’d brought them home with me. He’s gonna get them repaired, just like he was supposed to a long time ago, and I will be ass-kicking again!
