I've gotten into the habit of cutting my nails short, to play bass. I miss being in a band so much. I hope we can form one again, soon.
I'm reading a book that I finally got back from Ken, "Grrrls". I hate this book. It's interviews with famous women in the music business who have "broken free of the male stereotypes." Big deal. This is not an accomplishment. Living life on one's own terms is what a lot of people do. They don't get kudos for it. They just get ignored.
And these women talk about how they "always wanted to rebel." Against what? What are they proving? That women can be successful, even ugly women? Wake-up call! It's already been proven. In fact, there's an ugly theory floating around the female half of the population that men aren't much more than shaved gorillas, good for nothing more than their genitals. Talk about reverse sexism. The underlying theme in this book is, "We don't need men. Men drag us down. We'd be much happier without them."
The part that really irritates me is Courtney Love's interview. I think this woman is a stupid tramp anyway. She smoked and perhaps did all sorts of drugs while she was pregnant. She's a mean-spirited bitch who started hitting on guys only a few short weeks after her husband's suicide. She's also Krisco's idol. I found a part in her interview that stopped me cold. Courtney said that when she was in the institution, she'd cut herself. "I would just bleed a little, and the blood would let something go." Krisco used to do that, except her cuts were faked suicide attempts, to force Dirk to stay with her. She always used the big guns when she was going for emotional blackmail.
I hate to say it, but sometimes I used to wish she'd just go ahead and kill herself, instead of just threatening like always. It took Katie and I so long to make Dirk realize that it was just another form of manipulation, that Krisco would never commit suicide. Once, when Dirk broke up with her, she cut herself on her upper arm, to show how serious she was, and he took her back, immediately.
I remember going over to Dirk's house with Ken, ecstatic that Dirk had finally come to his senses and gotten rid of Krisco, only to find her there, looking pale but pleased with herself. I was so angry that I didn't even use the ashtray while I was smoking. I just used my open palm to catch the ashes, and put out my cigarette stubs in the center of my palm.
I have no interest in the new feminist movement. I think the term femi-nazi is wholly accurate. Ken was a complete supporter of women's rights, women's equality, to the point where he thought women were on the cusp of godhood. I hate women. I don't have many female friends, because I happen to know that a lot of girls are snotty little bitches that stab each other in the back at the first opportunity.
I hated having a boyfriend who was such a complete feminist. I like being protected, even if I don't need it. I like having a boyfriend who gets jealous if another guy hits on me. If I ever told Ken that some guy had hit on me, Ken would encourage me to sleep with him. Of course, Ken wanted an "open relationship", so there's his motivation.
Last night, my cousin and I took advantage of the georgeous weather to sit on the back porch and talk. Pia's admitted to me that she worries that she'll never accomplish anything significant in her life. She asked me if I ever feel the same. I do, but I don't admit it very often. I live my life with the tacit understanding that I'm extraordinary, even if only a little. It's how I function. I'm convinced I will do something great someday, although it's not guaranteed that it will be soon. But sometimes I worry that someday will never come.