THESTORY

    "We have to defeat them," the leader of the tattooed potatoes said firmly, shoving his cowboy hat down more firmly over his eyes.
    "They have blinded us!" he screamed. One of his followers reached over and removed the hat.  "Here you go, Brett..."
    "The light!" cried Brett. He leaned forward and looked at each of the assembled potatoes with what he fondly imagined to be a penetrating gaze.
    "I have a Plan," he enunciated slowly.
    "A Cunning and Subtle Plan.  I know how to defeat the plain potatoes!"

    Meanwhile, in yet another not so distant part of town, there was a girl in a cd store. She was looking for her lollipop. She knew she couldn't find lollipops in a cd store, but then, her pet Pekingese dog was dying and she was depressed. Things happened that way. A tall, dark handsome young man strode up to her and said, "Miss, are you looking for a lollipop?"

    The girl looked up and stared into his beautiful almond-shaped eyes.
    "Yes, I am",  she replied, lovestruck. 
    "Well, miss, you have to go to the lollipop store.  It's just down the road."
    "Oh yeah..thanks."  The girl walked out of the store.  'What a guy', she mused. Just as she was about to cross the road, she saw a most fascinating sight. There were potatoes.  Everywhere.  Suddenly one of them seemed to say, "Hey, you!"

    That was certainly an odd event, but being depressed, and having not much to do at the moment, she shrugged her shoulders and answered the potato, "Yes?".
When it failed to answer, she addressed the next potato in a rather irritated tone, "Did you speak to me?"
    "No, but I did."  She turned around in shock, to see a potato with a cowboy hat jammed on it.  It was so hilarious that she could not help but giggle at the sight. The potato shifted slightly, giving an impression of undisguised disgust.  "What's so funny?" it seemed to say.
    Suppressing her hilarity, she sobered herself and answered, "It's nothing, just had a laughing fit.  How may I help you?"
    "Just pass this message to MacNonalds" and a plain brown envelope was thrust into her hands by an unseen force.
    "You do mean macDonalds, I suppose? Well, passing this to them is no problem at all for me, I'll bring it there tomorrow ok?" She was going there for hotcakes the next morning anyway.
    "That'll be just fine. Thanks.. uh... ya, I'm Potatoface, and you are?" The cowboy potato seemed to become a little more pleasant.
    "Nice to meet u, potatoface.. " she stifled a giggle at his ridiculous name.
    "Just call me Chris.... So, potatoface, u seem to me to be their leader?" She gestured at the rest.
    "Kind of, yes. I'm a representative sent by the League of Sentient Potatoes. And if u'll excuse me, I'm sorta in a hurry." Mr Potatoface turned and started moving off.

    "Hey, hold on a while, I'm doing u a favour, I hope u remember... I'm just very curious about this whole business, so why dun u elaborate,..maybe, tell me what the heck u potatoes are up to?"
    "Listen, lady", the cowboy potato turned sharply, "I really don't give 2 hoots whether or not that message reaches macnonalds or whatever, but my feeling is that you would want to pass it to them... go ahead and read it if you're that curious... nice knowing u, Chris." With that, he turned and trudged off, ignoring Chris.

    Woah.. this does not sound good... she thought to herself, better see what's written in it then..

    Therein lay the following words written as if by a child's hand, bearing in mind that potatoes have no appendages save for the odd root . . .
 

    Said potato was named Appendage, and it ---he--- was sentient, as any reader with a fully functional brain might have guessed by now. He was a revolutionary among the sentient potatoes, being a full supporter of human consumption of potatoes. Indeed, there was nothing more in life he wanted than to be consumed, carbohydrate-drenched cell by carbohydrate-drenched cell, masticated in the loving jaws of his human friends... the very thought of it sent excited shivers through his entire form.
 
     What to do to ensure all went according to his plan though?

     Just as he was pondering upon this matter of national security, he noticed with a jolt of alarm that Chris was fast approaching the Pentagon. As she announced her name, she was given a look of suspicion by the Marine on duty.
 
     "I thought that Chris was a guy's name?"

     "Um...um...well my brother died at an early age, and as a remembrance, my mum named me Chris. I would appreciate it if you didn't hold me up here with such a trivial matter - I am here on a case of national security and I demand to see someone in charge!"

     "State your case."

     "Well, I have come to know of this impending war between potatoes and the human race. They demand that they no longer be ruthless mowed down and forced to witness scenes of carnage and evil as they helpless watch their compatriots being boiled in oil at the nearest MacDonald's Restaurant. If war proceeds, do you ever, for a single moment, think that we can survive without potatoes as a staple diet?"

     "You're absolutely right Madam! I shall instruct the President to recall all troops from the Gulf at once. Saddam Hussein isn't worth his cents in potatoes."

     At this, the potato in Chris' pocket gave a little jig of joy . At last! Here was a chance that he would be able to meet the organs he had always heard about - the oesophagus, stomach and intestines. It was his life-long dream to meet other friends who had met with the same fate...
 
    "By golly gee!" it cried, its skin trembling with unheard of ecstasy. The potato was deliciously soft and yummy, boiled in special herb ingredients and made to perfection. Chris dug it out fervently and looked at its glowing brown skin. "Delicious."
    Then in three huge bites she devoured the excited potato and sent him deep into the cavernous darkness of her stomach.

    Meanwhile, the Marine was looking on with envy. He wanted a potato too! Resisting the urge to grab the scrumptious potato from Chris, he wiped away the saliva that had managed to escape his lips. Then he picked up the remote control and open the high voltage gates. Chris walked cautiously into the vast field of ripe potatoes, all growing eagerly underground, ready to be eaten.

    She had passed the 1st and 2nd test: she had solved an impending potato crisis, and demonstrated how to eat a perfect potato with gusto before a Marine, starved of food (and other forms of gratification). Now came the crunch: could she pass the last test?

        As she made her way carefully through the potato field, dodging each fledgling potato as if it were a mine, she soon found herself swooning in the wonderful aroma of underground tubers. The scent was like a wild pheromone, screaming "EAT ME! EAT ME!" It took all her self-control and maturity to resist the advances of the potatoes at her feet. Towards the end, she vaguely recalled the first stirrings of hysteria, when she saw that the potatoes in desperation were throwing themselves at her feet.

        But she made it. And what an encore she received.

        "Congratulations! You've just succeeded in joining the ranks of McDonald's employees, & have won for yourself a lifetime of servitude dishing out fries at a seedy drive-thru' counter, where job satisfaction amounts to oily fingers. Any last words??"

        "Do I get free gum?"

        "Sorry Kate (or whatever your name is), but no cigar..."

        Chris was shoved rudely into hamburger hell.