By Brendan Baber & Eric Spitznagel

It's time to face the facts: If you ever want to win a woman's heart, you're going to have to accept "Melrose Place." You can whine and moan all you want, but there's no way around it.

Yes, "Melrose" will die someday, but not soon enough to save you. So listen up: Do you want a healthy relationship? Or do you want to stay bitter and single ? Women love the show, and they want a man who not only accepts it but is also willing to adore it. And much the same way they sit through the NBA playoffs with us, we must learn to spend every Monday night in front of the TV pretending to care about Jo and Jake.

Don't think for a minute you can accomplish this just by sitting down and watching the thing cold. You must make the right comments and ask the right questions.

That's where we come in. We've done the homework for you and assembled what you need to convinced that brown-eyed girl that you really do spend every Monday night holding your breath while Michael and Peter plot revenge. Now you can wow her with your ability to tell the difference between Amanda and Alison. Then fret winsomely, look into her eyes and ask, "Do you think that Billy will ever forgive Alison?"

The Melrose Place Dysfunctional Family

AMANDA WOODWARD * played by Heather Locklear
Became President of D&D Advertising after driving previous boss to suicide. Partial to miniskirts, especially at funerals. Tougher than John Wayne, for she beat cancer. Tell women you admire her. Abuse survivor, wife-beating.

ALISON PARKER * played by Courtney Thorne-Smith
Often confused with Amanda. Ex-alcoholic, ex-blind person, ex-president of D&D, on-again-off-again lover of Billy, ex-wife of Haley Armstrong, ex-receptionist. Abuse survivor, child molestation.

KIMBERLY SHAW * played by Marcia Cross
Was haunted by ethnic men in mirrors who ordered her to kill. Committed only meaningful act of criticism by trying to blow up the Melrose apartment complex. Also committed to sanitarium. Doctor, talk-show host, psychiatrist, other menial jobs. Abuse survivor, child molestation.

JO REYNOLDS * played by Daphne Zuniga
Photographer from New York who left to escape a bad marriage. On and off with Jake Hanson and his dead brother. Sleeps with friends' men. Abuse survivor, beatings.

JANE MANCINI * played by Josie Bissett
Ex-wife of Michael, sister to Sydney. Fashion designer. Hands down the worst actress on the show, which makes her scenes with wood boy Richard Hart painful. Abuse survivor, poisoning.

SYDNEY ANDREWS * played by Laura Leighton
Stripper, hooker, waitress, blackmailer, receptionist, cult member and, if there is any justice in the world, stripper again. On and off with her sister's ex-husband. Blackmails people for outrageous sums and ends up broke, in a sort of never-ending karmic Gilligan's Island. Abuse survivor, sexual harassment.

MICHAEL MANCINI * played by Thomas Calabro
Doctor, womanizer, owns beach house and smirks a lot. Screws everybody, the women literally and the men figuratively. Gets a lot of best laugh lines. Lust and low-brow conniving make him easily manipulated.

JAKE HANSON * played by Grant Show
On and off with Jo and Jane. Owner of Shooters, a local bar. Supposed to be tough in a Bugle Boy sort of way. Has had sex with just about all the women. Killed his brother, but by accident, which takes the fun out of it. Sense of honor makes him easily manipulated.

BILLY CAMPBELL * played by Andrew Shue
Failed journalist, now VP at D&D. Second-worst actor on the show. Married his ex-fiance's ex-husband's daughter, whom he eventually divorced and drove to suicide. Although he has shown no signs of getting balls this season, he tends to be so abyssmally stupid that no one has to try very hard to manipulate him.

PETER BURNS, * played by Jack Wagner
Doctor, partner with sometime nemesis Michael Mancini. Tried to take over D&D and kill Amanda, but after helping Kimberly get rid of ethnic men ordering her to kill from mirrors, became Amanda's lover. Not easily manipulated, but a sucker anyway.

MATT FIELDING * played by Doug Savant
Gay, social worker, medical student. His status as virtuous token prevents him from participating in the antics of Melrose. Early this season he started punching straight guys, but the show 's writers sent him back to being good. Saintly, trusting nature makes him easily manipulated and boring as hell.

RICHARD HART * played by Patrick Muldoon
Probably the worst actor on the show - makes Al Gore look emotional. Design executive, slept with some people, has howling ly bad love scenes with Jane and Jo, does some stuff, says more stuff, pouts a lot. At least we think it's a pout. It may be acting. The fact that he is (wisely) not given many lines makes him easily manipulated.

TEN ESSENTIAL RULES OF DISCUSSING MELROSE PLACE

(1) Try to pretend you missed the latest episode. Never say that you missed two in a row.
(2) Appear overly concerned with what you missed. Grill her for every detail, as if your life depended on knowing what happened.
(3) All Melrose fans have a favorite character, and you will be expected to have one too. Simply asking general questiona about the show is not enough. Ask about a specific character. "What happened to Jake last week?"
(4) Knowing too much can hurt you. Melrose fans prefer informal terminology. Michael Mancini should be referred to as "Mike," "Mikey" or "that bastard doctor."
(5) When involved in lengthy discussions of the show, follow her lead. Be shocked when she's shocked. Be sad when she's sad. Never say anything that she hasn't already said. If she asks you a question that hasn't already been discussed, respond with "Hmm ... what do you think?"
(6) If you are watching the show with her, and one of the characters does or says something ridiculous, do not laugh. Acceptable responses (during a commercial or afterward) are: "How could he do that?" or "Oh my God!" or "The scheming bitch!"
(7) Do not talk during the show. Ever. Don't even breathe. Doing so implies disrespect, or even worse, lack of interest. If you have something to say, save it until a commercial.
(8) Never mention T.J. Hooker. If you must refer to another Heather Locklear vehicle, make it Dynasty.
(9) Keep an eye out for details only women find important. Recognizing that Sydney is sleeping with Michael is not a keen observation. But noticing that Alison and Jane are wearing dresses with a similar cut, well, that shows you're paying attention.
(10) When you are asked what you think will happen on the next episode, always respond, "I think Amanda is on to them."

Test Your Melrose Discussion Skills

(1) She says, "Heather Locklear is the best on the show. Don't you agree?" You say ...
(a) "Hell, yeah! She's got a great ass!"
(b) "Isn't she the one Bon Jovi's guitarist is boning?"
(c) "Oh, yes. Her portrayal of the beautiful yet aggressive head of D&D Advertising is some of the finest acting I've seen in years."
(d) "Is she the blonde or the redhead?"

(2) She says, "I think Jake is sexy. Does that bug you?" You say ...
(a) "I will leave you if you so much as look at him!"
(b) "Yes, he sure is scrumptious - tasty, in fact."
(c) "Seeing a strong yet sensitive man makes me want to buy a Harley and attend Lamaze classes."
(d) "I like him because he does all the chicks."

(3) She says, "Can you believe Michael and Sydney are up to their old tricks again? What's that all about?" You say ...
(a) "Is Michael banging her again?"
(b) "Yeah, I know. I thought they had learned their lesson after they tried to make Kimberly think she was crazy."
(c) "What do you want from me? Please leave me alone."
(d) "Hey, is she gonna be a stripper again? All right!"

(4) She says, "Do you think Billy and Alison will ever get back together?" You say ...
(a) "Wait a minute, I thought Billy was gay."
(b) "I'd rather see Jake kick the shit out of him."
(c) "I sure hope so."
(d) "Well, if it were me, I'd just use her for sex for a while, then dump her for Amanda. Ha!"

(5) She says, "Do you have any plans for Monday night?" You say ...
(a) "Of course I do. Melrose Place!"
(b) "I can't help you, baby. I gotta sleep off this hangover."
(c) "Why, you want me to watch that 90210 crap or whatever the hell it's called?"
(d) "Hey, I know. We can rent Scarface again!"

ANSWERS: If you have to ask, start over."

YOU KNOW THEY OUGHTA ...

Our nonscientific poll of fans revealed stark differences between what men and women would like to see happen on Melrose Place. For example:

Women: Amanda and Alison finally work it out.
Men: Amanda and Alison finally get it on.

Women: Billy feels true love in the arms of a good woman.
Men: Billy feels true pain at the hands of a biker gang.

Women: Matt gets his hands dirty in a proper plot.
Men: Matt stops confusing us by acting so straight.

Women: Sydney takes control of her life, like we always knew she could.
Men: Sydney takes off her clothes, like she did in that stripper episode.

Women: Brooke comes back to life and meddles in the affairs of Billy and Alison.
Men: Brooke comes back to life and becomes a stripper.

Women: Michael gets paralyzed from the neck down and has to be spoon fed for the rest of his life.
Men: Michael gets it on with twins.

Women: Kimberly learns to live with the demons from her past.
Men: Kimberly learns to live with insanity, starts seeing visions of creepy ethnic guys again and blows up more stuff.

Women: All the characters become involved in new and unexpected predicaments.
Men: All the characters become strippers and dance naked for the entire hour."

The Many Moods of Billy

When Andrew Shue agreed to play the part of Billy on Melrose Place, he knew it would test the limits of his acting ability. Not since Hamlet has there been such a multifaceted and emotionally complex character as Billy, the much coveted stud-in-residence at D&D Advertising. The following is a retrospective of some of Billy's most memorable emoting. With acting like this, who needs character development?

1. ANGRY  Uh-oh. Better back off. Billy's pissed  and looking for trouble.	2. SAD  Poor old Billy. He's in a poo-poo mood.  Somebody needs a hug.
3. SCARED  Yikes! Billy thinks he may be in danger!  He's ready for anything.	4. SEXY  Hello, ladies. Look into Billy's eyes and  you'll know he's ready for love.