What if Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?Here's an easy thing to say. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted `cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, `Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the system's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! Anonymous  I collected them from the web and they are meant to put a smile on your face :-) , not to offend anyone. Besides you might recognize yourself..... I did :-) Top Ten Signs You're At A Redneck Wedding9. Instead Of "Friends Of The Bride Or Friends Of The Groom?" Ushers Ask "Ford Or Chevy?" 8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops Bridegrooms: Travis Tritt T-Shirts 7. Phrase "I Do" Replaced By "I Heard That" 6. Tender Rendition Of "The Wedding Song" Performed By Pinkard & Bowden 5. When Minister Asks Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...Some Guy In The Back Stands Up And Hollers "Earnhardt!" 4. Reception Conversation Includes The Phrase "So What Have You Been Doing Since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?" 3. Snack Trays At Reception: Vienna Sausages And Nacho Cheese Doritos 2. Plans For The Honeymoon Evening Include Tickets To The Monster Truck Show ...And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding... Sign In Front Of The Church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem! Tips for Northerners moving South2.) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right. 3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 5.) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 6.) Do not buy food at the movie store. 7.) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 8.) Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 9.) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston (or Italian) accent. 10.) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 11.) People walk slower here. 12.) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. 14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 15.) Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. 16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. 17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. 19.) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. 20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November. 21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. 22.) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. 23.) Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 24.) Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. 25.) In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy". 26.) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. 27.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. You know you're a High-tech Redneck when ......When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork. ...When you spend too much time browsing "http://www.hee-haw.com." ...When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack AND PCMCIA sockets. ...When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine. ...If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com." ...If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page." ...If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop." ...If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson." ...If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone (with modem and fax option). ...If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined. ...If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go," and you still don't miss her. ...If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on. ...If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy." ...If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal. ...If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all." ...If you think NORTON UTILITIES is a tool shop. How to Tell if a redneck works in your office ......The mouse is refered to as a "critter". ...There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU. ...The pass word is "bubba". ...The printer goes really slow since Bubba dont read to fast. ...The extra RAM slots have dodge parts installed in them. ...The monitor is up on blocks. ...There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. My Favorite Redneck Computer Terms:BACKUP.....What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE.....Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG.....The reason you give for calling in sick BYTE.....That's what the flies do. CHIP.....What you munch on. CRASH.....When you go to Junior's party uninvited DOWNLOAD.....Gettin' the firewood off the pickup. DOT MATRIX.....Farmer Matrix's wife. DIGITAL.....The art of counting on your fingers DISKETTE.....Female Disco dancer ENTER.....C'mon in. FAX.....What you lie about to the IRS FLOPPY DISK.....Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood. HARD DRIVE.....Getting' home in the winter season. HACKER.....Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY.....Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET.....Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD.....Where ya hang your keys. LAP TOP.....Where little kids feel comfy. LOG ON.....Makin' the wood stove hotter. MONITOR.....Keepin' an eye on the wood stove. MEGA HURTZ.....When yer not careful loadin' the woodstove. MICRO CHIP.....What's left in the bottom of the chip bag. MOUSE.....What eats the horses grain. MAIN FRAME.....Holds up the barn roof. MAC.....Big Bubba's favorite fast food MODEM.....What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD.....Where Mickey and Minnie live NETWORK.....Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE.....Where to stay when taking the sobriety test RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY.....What you get when the wife ask's how much the new huntin' dawg cost ROM.....Where the pope lives SCREEN.....What 'cha need for the black fly season. SOFTWARE.....Them plastic eatin' utensils. SCREEN.....Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT.....A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR.....Amtrak's Employee of the year TERMINAL.....Time to call the undertaker WINDOWS.....What to shut when it's below 15 below. Redneck Personal Hygiene1.Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. 2.If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 3.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 4.Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. Application to be a redneckName:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________ CB Handle:_____________________ Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________ Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________ Mamma:_________________________ Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____ Type of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________ Truck equipped with: Yes No -- 8 track Hank Williams tapes: ___ ___ -- Pit Bull ___ ___ -- Air horns ___ ___ -- Roll bar ___ ___ -- Steer horns on hood ___ ___ -- Musical horn that plays "Dixie" ___ ___ -- "David Duke For President" bumber sticker ___ ___ -- "BOCEPHUS" bumper sticker ___ ___ -- Red Man chewing tobacco bumper sticker ___ ___ -- I love grits bumper sticker ___ ___ -- "AMERICA, LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT" bumper sticker ___ ___ -- Desert Storm bumper sticker ___ ___ -- 12 foot CB antenna ___ ___ -- Illegaly altered 1 gigawatt CB transmitter ___ ___ -- Spitoon ___ ___ -- Mud Flaps ___ ___ -- Curb Feelers ___ ___ -- Shot Guns in back window ___ ___ Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____ Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D. Name of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy Weapons Owned: ___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin ___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry Switch Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle ___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg Cap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser ___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors ___NAPA ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear Number of Dependents: Legal:________ Claimed:_________ Length of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________ Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of Primer Red? ___Yes ___No How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______ How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________ Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________ Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________ What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________ Are you married to any of the following: ____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow Do you know her name?________________ Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________ Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________ Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________ If so, why?______________________________________________________________ Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________ Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________ Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________ Medical Information: Do you have at least two of the following: ___BO ___Head Lice ___Rabies ___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________ What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________ ARE YOU A REGISTERED VOTER? ________ DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO DO IT? ________ DO YOU WONDER IF YOU NEED TO FILE A TAX RETURN? ( ) YES ( ) NO DO YOU WORRY THAT YOUR HOUSE COULD BLOW AWAY IN HIGH WINDS? ( ) YES ( ) NO WHEN WAS YOUR LAST UFO SIGHTING? ___________ ELVIS SIGHTING? ___________ Approximate size and weight of beer belly:______ Brand of beer:_____ Brand of chewing tobacco:______ Brand of snuff:______ How many of the following items are in your front yard: (working or not) -- Gardens made of old tires -- Trucks or cars -- Chickens or goats -- Household appliances -- Old trailers -- Bath tubs -- TV sets Describe your last Elvis sighting: ______________________________________ Did you think the movie "Deliverance" was a comedy? ___________ Have you ever taken a date to a tractor pull? ____ Hog calling contest? ___ Do you own any of the following? Fertilizer hat?____ Feed Hat?____ Shoes?____ Belt buckles that weigh more than three pounds? _____ If so: Have you worn them to Funerals___ Weddings___ Church___ Job interviews ___ Do you bathe with: Soap___ Relatives___ Small animals___ How often: Weekly___ Monthly___ Twice a year___ Once a year___ Have you ever been shot at by: Ay-rabs___ Gooks___ Angry husbands___ Wives___ Fathers-in-law___ Mothers-in-law___ The Law___ Does your wife weigh more or less than: Your guitar___ Your truck___ Have you seen her in the past: Two weeks___ Two months___ Two years Have you ever seen her when she wasn't: Pregnant___ Barefoot___ Mad___ SIGNATURE (ONE `X' WILL DO) ___________________________ DATED: ____________ |