Author: Butterfly
E-mail: ellsie@hotmail.com or thebutterflyqueen@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13 (for my sense of humor)
Summary: Spike gets a new roommate. *snicker*
Notes: See Butterfly. See Butterfly write fic about a Vampire Slayer walrus. See Butterfly cave into pressure to write sequel to said fic. See Butterfly make everyone regret they pressured her to write sequel.:) This is an odd story, because I am an odd butterfly.
Dedicated To: Rachael for giving me a mental image.
Conversation:
BUTTERFLY: It could be the Ultimate Unconventional Relationship! Wally/Spike.
RACHAEL: Yeah, he'll put those tusks to use.
And I know Buffy couldn't possibly afford this, but just go with it, okay? It's a stupid sillyfic, for God's sake!
Disclaimer: Forgive me, Joss, for I have sinned by writing this....
So the Slayer comes up to me a week ago and says, "Spike, I need you to take Wally."
Can you believe the bitch? She wants me to let her giant behemoth live with me in my new crypt. She wants me to feed him dead fish and pat his huge head and scratch his jiggly belly.
But she says she'll pay me two hundred dollars a week and provide all food and everything for Wally.
So what the fuck did I do? I said yes.
Bloody hell. Maybe livin' with Dru all those years rubbed off on me a bit.
Wally shambles up to me and lays his head in my lap. He's like a bloated puppy with wooden tusks. He sighs and the flubber on his face shudders.
That's his way of telling me he's hungry.
I shove him off me and stand up.
"C'mon, you big git, let's go." I saunter over to the refrigerator and pull out a bucket of fish. Oh, disgusting. Making a face, I dump it into his food dish and watch in fascinated horror as he slurps them down.
He looks up at me with his sad eyes and barks. "Yeah, yeah," I grumble and toss the bucket in a corner. Buffy will come by later with a new one and take the dirty one away.
Sometimes, with his soulful eyes, Wally reminds me of Angel. I snicker at the thought. Nah. Wally's hair is short, little bristles, not...well...come to think of it...Angel's hair is short and spikey like Wally's.... And he's been known to be the Slayer's pet and stake Vampires, too.
I groan and sit on my stone bed. The more I think of it, the more I see the resemblance between a large water mammal and my Sire.
I've gone round the bend.
"Bark! Bark, bark!" Wally wants to play now. He thunders towards me with a giant red bouncy ball in his mouth. I lash out at it, knocking it away.
"Get away from me, you oversized caterpillar with flippers!"
He barks and for an instant, he sounds hurt. I look at him again and, sure enough, he's looking at me, his eyes all wide and upset, his slack mouth making a funny shape. Almost as if he's...pouting.
Then he makes a little, tiny bark and begins to turn away. He shimmies slowly across the floor, heading towards the door.
Damn. I actually feel sorry. I mean, it's not as if he hasn't been nice. He got in the way of those commandos a couple of nights ago. Led them on a merry chase.
I hop off my bed and walk over to where he's sitting. Slinging an arm around his shoulders—or whatever the hell they are—I say, "Wally, my boy, I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. I'm just...I don't know.... I'm going through a difficult time right now."
He nuzzles his head beneath my chin and nearly knocks me over, but I hold onto him for balance. Then his flipper comes up and rests on my hip.
Slowly, it slides around to the front of my jeans and....
What—the—hell?! Wally just felt me up!
I spring back from him with a yelp. But then I see his eyes again. Well...he is kind of attractive...in a...obese, scary kind of way....
~
Twenty minutes later.
"Spike, I came to see Wally!" Buffy pushed the door to the crypt open and then stopped short at what she saw in front of her. She screamed and slammed the door, the first thing she thought to say being, "Oh! Sorry. I'll...come back later!"
She turned and basically ran away, the image of what she'd just seen sure to haunt her dreams forever.
