Author: Sare Bear
E-mail: keoughs@juno.com
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Okay, here's how this works: The title of the series is
"Reminiscing" and will appear in the subject line (lame, I know, but I
couldn't think of anything), and the title of each segment will be in the
title section.Got it? Good:) Following Temporary Replacement, Wishes to the Stars, Forgotten Memories,
and The Light That Fills My Soul
Disclaimer: As if I own anything. I wish I did, because then Riley'd be
beaten to death with a spork and Angel and Buffy would be with eachother
and... yeah, anyway, it belongs to Joss.
Cordelia groaned as she sat back against the leather cushioned seats of
her boss's convertible. She couldn't believe she was doing this. She
couldn't believe that he had even asked her to do this!
Clambering inside of the vehicle, Angel quickly threw the May Queen's
backpack, which was bulging with clothes and makeup accessories that she
had vehemently insisted he carry, into the backseat.
She sighed as he revved the engine and zoomed away with loud squeak of
protest from the abused tires.
Fishing into her purse for a nail file, she glowered at Angel. "You still
haven't told me why we're going back to Sunnyhell."
Angel didn't answer.
"Hello?!" She rudely said in response to his silence. "I believe I was
talking. I don't appreciate it when people just ignore me!"
"If you must know," Angel dry replied, "Buffy's in trouble."
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Oh! What a surprise! Buffy's in trouble! Ooh,
hurry up and get there fast, I bet we're gonna have to wait in line to
save that chick, considering how popular she is!" She faked
contemplation. "Oh wait, we won't!"
Angel growled, not liking the way she was talking about his
ex-girlfriend.
She gave him a scornful look. "Please. Like Buffy needs your help! She's
the slayer!"
Angel willed himself to calm down, for his temper to keep in check, at
least until they got to Sunnydale. "If Giles thought she didn't need
help, he wouldn't have called me. You know that."
"Oh, right. 'Cause of that killed-his-girlfriend-and-tortured-him-thing."
Angel glared at her, and she humphed and sat back in her seat, crossing
her arms over her chest.
"I'm kinda grumpy. Sorry." She mumbled. And no matter what she tried to
tell herself, she *was* sorry. And not just for her earlier comments.
Angel had become more or less a mutual friend in the past few weeks, and
with Doyle's death, she was grateful for his companionship. He understood
her, much as she tried to deny it.
He gave her a slightly weary half-smile. "It's okay."
Cordelia sighed. "No, it's not." She looked at him, and for the first
time, she began to truly notice the change in his physical appearance.
Losing weight.. paler skin.. dark circles under his eyes.. he looked like
crap.
And being her usual non-tactful self, she told him so.
"Thanks." He wrly commented.
"No problem." She gave him a bright and genuine smile. "I should tell you
how bad you look before you see Buffy. I mean, really! The red-and-poofy
eye thing does *nothing* for your complexion."
He smiled, and for once, she seemed to grow serious. "Life's really been
bad for you, huh?"
"What do you mean?" He asked with a bit of hesitancy.
"I mean that you and Buffy have been given a really bad deal. You both
love each other, but you've got that whole forbidden love thing goin' on,
so you left her." She started to get angry. "You're such a guy! Leaving
her just because you can't get the right kind of pleasure from her."
"What? I-"
"You just sit around in the dark and brood because you can't do the dirty
with your ex."
"Cordelia, that is not true, and if you even believe that for a second-"
"Well it sure seems that way!" She exclaimed. "You leave her because you
can't make love to her or whatever, and-"
It was Angel's turn to be angry. "And also because I can't father her
children, can't go out in the sunlight with her, and if I ever, if even
for a second experience a moment of happiness, I'll lose my soul. And
when I left, I knew that if I *had* lost my soul, Buffy wouldn't be
emotionally stable enough to kill me."
"Why not? She did it before! And you're changing the subject! Did you
really have to leave her? She didn't care about the sunlight and
children!" She was fuming now. "Doyle and I decided to make it work. Just
before he died, he said he was gonna ask me to dinner. If anything ever
came out of that relationship, he and I were willing to sacrifice for
it!"
"But you could've had children, Cordelia!" He shouted, now in as much of
a rage as she was. "He could walk with you in the sunlight, and love you
without complications or the threat of a curse! It's so much different
from Buffy and I!"
Cordelia shook her head. "Was it really that different, Angel?" She
softly asked. "Was it? Doyle was a demon. Or at least, a half-demon. I'm
not too clear on what that meant." She wrinkled her nose in confusion,
then shrugged. "But anyway, we probably couldn't have had children,
because there was still the possibility that they could turn out to be
evil, or that he could've sprouted something inside of me that might've
killed me. We could never have been sure."
"You're lying." He growled.
"Maybe." She gently replied, then smiled. "Now, I'm going to ask you
something. Was what you and Buffy had so special that you would've done
anything for her?"
"Of course." He replied, a grim finality in his voice.
"Would you die for her?"
He replied without hesitancy. "In a second."
"Would you be with her if she were dying?"
Angel heaved a sigh in unrelenting frustration. "Is there a point to
these rather morbid questions? 'Cause I'd like to get back to my ritual
brooding hour."
"Just answer the question, Angel." Her tone held no option for argument.
And foolishly, Angel chose to ignore it. "No. You're just doing this to
annoy me."
Cordelia raised her eyebrows. "Scared?"
His back muscles became rigid and his deep and intense eyes burned into
her own. "No, I'm not scared. And as an answer to your question, I would
be by her side in an instant if she were dying."
Cordelia grinned. "You're lying."
He gave her an incredulous look. "No, I'm not!"
"Yes, you are! 'Cause you know what, Angel?" She gave him a sympathetic
look. "Buffy's dying right now."
He appeared dumbfounded. "What?"
"She's dying." Her face saddened and tears gathered in her eyes. "Believe
me, I know. I know what it's like to have your heart ripped out of your
chest right before your eyes. It's happened to me before."
"Doyle?" He questioned.
"Xander." Angel was bewildered, and she chuckled. "What? You thought that
after only a few short weeks that I would love Doyle? Maybe I would've
gotten to know love with him, but, and forgive me for saying this, I'm
not one for the whole forbidden love thing. I've seen enough of it in my
lifetime."
Angel flashed her a tiny smile, but it was a smile nonetheless.
"Anyway, she's dying. Every moment she's not with you, she gets weaker.
She probably doesn't know it, because you don't know it until you're done
with experiencing it, but if you're hurt so deeply by the person that you
love, it's like time stops and everything just falls apart."
"Is there a point to this?" Angel again asked, a bit more subdued and
without the sarcasm.
"My point is, if you go to Buffy today, and you see her with your very
own eyes, and have the knowledge that she's dying right in front of you..
will you stay? Will you honor your word and stay with your dying lover?
And if the time comes, will you be willing to say goodbye?"
Angel had nothing to say to that, so he drove on in silence.
Cordelia grinned at her triumphant little lecture, but then winced as a
pain only known to a woman flooded the lower regions of her body.
