NASONE'S COLLECTION OF SAYINGS

PROCRASTINATORS CREED


  • I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  • I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
  • I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
  • I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect 2 to receive from missing them.
  • I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
  • I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
  • I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
  • If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
  • I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
  • I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
  • I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
  • I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
  • I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
  • I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

    STAR QUIPS

  • Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Steve Bluestone
  • Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin
  • You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. Ellen DeGeneres
  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
  • I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky
  • I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer
  • The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason
  • I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno
  • Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligencelong enough to get money from it. Stephen Leacock
  • The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon
  • You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl Williams
  • I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison
  • If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobel

    Stephen Wright Jokes

    [Read lines with droll monotone subvocal to simulate Wright's delivery.]
  • If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
  • If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  • If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
  • When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
  • Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-thru bank machines?
  • How did a fool and his money GET together?
  • If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
  • How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  • If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  • What's another word for thesaurus?
  • Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
  • What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
  • Why is abbreviation such a long word?
  • Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
  • Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
  • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
  • When you choke a Smurf what color does it turn?
  • Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  • Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
  • Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
  • Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
  • Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
  • If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  • Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
  • If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  • If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with the lights off?
  • If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  • If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  • Do hungry cows have ravenous appetites?
  • Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
  • My school colors were "clear".
  • I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
  • I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
  • I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  • Hermits have no peer pressure.
  • Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
  • There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
  • The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
  • What a nice night for an evening.
  • When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
  • Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
  • I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
  • I live on a one-way dead-end street.
  • It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
  • Yesterday, while I was walking down the street, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
  • I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
  • I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
  • Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

    Signs That You Are Too Drunk

     [Origin Unknown]

  • You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  • You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  • Job interfering with your drinking.
  • Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  • Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  • The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  • Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
  • 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
  • Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
  • You can focus better with one eye closed.
  • The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  • You fall off the floor...
  • Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
  • Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  • Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
  • At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
  • Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  • You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
  • The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
  • You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
  • Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
  • Roseanne looks good.
  • Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
  • That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
  • Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
  • I'm as jober as a sudge.
  • The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
  • You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
[BLONDE JOKES] [INDEX] [PRIVY]
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