Sometimes I wake up and all I want is Andy. I expect to see the powder blue walls of our last apartment, the giant fishtank in which he insisted on killing various fish, the armoire that housed DC Superhero beanies and a broken computer. I expect to be resting my head on a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pillow. I think that when I turn my head to the right side of the bed, that I'll see him lying there beside me: small, frail, ponytail.
Sometimes when I dream, it's of our reunion. We see each other somewhere, and we start to talk. It seems we miss one another, we still love one another. We kiss and the whole world is right again. All I feel is warmth and love. How could we have survived apart for so long?
Well, they don't call me 'nightmaregirl' for nothing, and last night was one of those nights. There is no greater relief than my green sheets, overflowing bookcase littered with toys, and the undeniable presence of Mark. I was so sure that I was born to be with Andy, that that was God's purpose for my life (and I'm sure that it was for that time because I learned many lessons then and during my recovery), but that doesn't keep me from questioning it now. Why was that sick and unhealthy relationship my ideal? I re-read e-mails I sent to Jeff, full of cries for help and advice, full of distress and sadness. Did I only want him so badly because I knew he could never truly be mine, because I could sense his lies and secrets before they became facts? Why did he waste my time? I'll never know these things, and they don't really matter anymore. It's a bummer that I let someone disrespect me for so long, and that I passed up some great opportunites (moving to North Jersey to work for Jeff, sleeping with Porter, doing more adult entertainment, having my own apartment or car because I spent all my savings on our first apartment). It will always hurt to believe he never loved me, to know he preferred others to me, but I'll always be proud of how much I loved him (as opposed to how well; I know I am full of neurosis). It's all so bittersweet.
I am very glad that I am no longer with Andy but I do miss him from time to time. He's frighteningly intelligent, disturbingly witty, always a character. I enjoy hearing stories about his current occupation of ice cream truck driver, or how another of his girlfriends left him for someone he knows (this time the guy is Mark's brother), or how he started smoking pot therefore becoming the antithesis of everything for which he once stood. Okay, so those are bitter pleasures. I enjoy them because he never seemed to miss a beat without me, whereas I thought I would be destroyed.
And I know it's odd to post this wistful closure over a year and a half into a fantastic relationship, a year and a half after Andy and I ended for good. I'm not ashamed of my life, that I hold onto the things that have mattered to me, that my mental scrapbook is my most valued possession. I'm not ashamed that I've been wrong, been wronged, been whipped; to admit obsessions, desires, fetishes; to discuss faults, flaws, mistakes. I don't mind telling everyone- including Andy- that sometimes I lament over that realtionship, and I'm proud to be a part of the one I'm in now.
So my point is nothing. Hindsight is 20/20, but not worth kicking your own ass over. I've learned that a bout of nauseatingly strong nostalgia is not just cause for a life makeover, and that I am richer for some of the things that I have lost. And that's OK.
"We hurt but we smile." -- Rx --
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i love Mark and Mark loves me. he bought me a computer. :) and i have a job. i am a suit specialist at Macy's. whee!!!!
whee!!! -- Rx --
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gonna archive tomorrow (that is fri., so i don't know who i'm telling this to at 11pm), and rant for a good fucking while about everything. now you (who isn't there at 11pm) have something to look forward to.
beers, steers, and queers -- Rx --
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i archived a bunch of stuff but left the closure rant... and am not feeling entirely motivated to rant now, unfortunately. i waited till around 2:30pm for the guy to deliver the wrong color bookcases again, and now i should be getting ready to leave for the tournament tonight. blah. i intend to come back to jersey for saturday, to avoid boredom at the hotel, and head back over sunday in case he wins anything. starting to wonder if i'll be more bored jersey side. i tried to set up activites but i doubt they're gonna pan out. not that there aren't a million things that i can do if i come home (like hang w/ brian and write), but i hate taking public transportation to places with which i am unfamiliar. decisions.
downloading songs, which takes forever. i miss having a cable modem. we at least need another phone line. i'm overwhelmed by the internet again; don't know what there is to see, can't remember all the songs i wanted when i couldn't get them. listening to a cd of stuff from when i was at andy's; "disintegration" by the cure. good stuff. i also have 3 covers of "baby one more time" (mr. bungle, the zappa kids, and type o). did i mention that i got a p/t job at FYE with my old boss wayne? go me. this is funny because they used to be the Wall, where i used to work and quit w/o giving notice, etc.
i almost forgot. here's the first pic i saw of alana, before i met her. rob always talked about her & i thought she waw awesome. then i met her. life is full of surprises.
shit; i forgot to call my mom.
"always something there to remind me" -- Rx --
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home, alone. 10:51pm. this feels crazy. my day did not go as i had planned. i had a great time last night, but both mark and i (and our rockin' friend nick who roomed with us) slept poorly so all day i've been sluggish. brian picked me up for lunch (yumyum red lobster) and we watched royal tenenbaums, which might have been a bad pick cuz it was kinda mellow. then he went home to do some chores; turns out i didn't see him later because there wasn't anything to do. jeff came for visit (yea! visit!) and only got a little lost, but i was spazzing out while i waited for him because mark was 3 hours late to call me and wasn't answering his cell. i think jeff and i had a great time; we talked about all kinds of stuff. i liked the rain. i have never been alone here before overnight. so far i do not like it. jeff said he'd take me over there, but i figured i should be a big girl and stick it out. i'm retarded.
the down side to having e-mail access 24/7 is how rarely it seems i get e-mail. *pout*
tired now, and need to call my sister. verizons giving us 30 day free trial of dsl service. whoo-hoo.
"you owe me nothing in return" -- Rx --
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so all i can say is:
CONGRATULATIONS MARKIE BABY!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
Mark came in Second Overall at his Warhammer tournament. i am proud & pleased.
later -- Rx
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finally... bookcases. and i am pleased...
...and i am not pleased with macy*s, which is fine because bath & body is giving me part-time assistant at mucho $$$. go me.
"money... that's what i want..." -- Rx --
!!!!!!$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!!!!
sept 1
...and because my life is funny, macy*s might match what b&bworks offered to pay me. so now i have to figure out where i wanna work... plus, i had my first shift at f.y.e. in moorestown, which used to be the wall, so it was like going home again except that you can't. alternate universe.
today i am hanging out by myself, with the rain. it's great. i have a lot of cleaning to do, and i'm gonna dye my hair, but i am hoping to get some writing done. it's almost noon and i haven't done squat, except play minesweeper and freecell, and i'm on aim, but we'll see what happens.
vanessa's coming down for my birthday, which is tuesday. i can't believe it's almost my b.day again; last year, i was supposed to go to the crayola crayon factory (which i found out isn't so great after all) on the 11th with adam. been a weird year. i am very pleased with the enthusiasm adam and brian have for my b.day; it's very sweet. thanx, guys!
guess that's all for now...
in a gadda da vida, baby -- Rx --
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
HAPPY FLIPPIN BIRTHDAY TO ME.
-- Rx --
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