"...these are my nasty little thoughts..." -- Renee
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... which isn't to say that i'm not happy about Christ...
lest's see. snatches of things.
It's so much easier when I am home alone.
How can I believe that I ever really meant anything?
How can I now mean nothing at all?
Everyone thinks I'm so fucked up, that I need some kind of help. I think I just need life to stop kicking the shit out of me for a little while.
I cannot believe how much of a failure I am.
Did i mention how happy and healthy i am these days?
i am keeping secrets from you guys... i can't help it. i am so afraid these days; i'm a bowl of jell-o. there is so little i have left, and the fear of losing anymore is driving me crazy. paranoid as hell. when you're living for all the little moments as much as i am... at least i seem to have stopped throwing up all the time. which is good -- less worry about being pregnant. wouldn't that have just been a fun problem? but lets not be too relieved yet; we'll give it a day or two and see if aunt flo comes to visit. but anyway...
jessie was home from cali. then left for new york. maybe i'll see her again soon. *pout* scott is off in illinois (sp?) with family. i miss him very much; the trio of him, danyell, and myself is quite a remarkable support system. i don't know what would become of me if i didn't have them these days. their patience with me deserves applause.
what was i saying about those secrets? yes, yes, my little ones. in time. i just need to keep you here with me for a little longer. curl up beside me, climb up inside my head. watch the rainbow go white to black. right before i fade out (any day now) i'll show you all that i know about the other side... and then the other side is all you'll have, even tho i will not. i promise you this will make sense.
I wrote a new rant.
i want to do something that matters -- R'Nee
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so... the king of resolve fucked me four times in a week and a half. guess he really isn't our shiny hero, huh? let's put up a front... better yet, let's put up a web page, let's call it the page of good intentions, and let's make ourselves sound like we're going to kick out our ex-girlfriend (who chose to leave on her own), and let's make it sound like we've got the biggest dick in the world (figuratively speaking), and let's make it sound like renee's the hand that holds us down, let's make it sound like we have a choice who keeps the kitten, let's tell everyone else how happy we are about the new girl kelly (but let's tell renee to her face that we don't really care). yup, that sounds like a plan. then let's IM people who do not like us, discuss fucking renee and not tell her, say how fucking renee is bad news, then let's go fuck renee. once we've done that, let's feel cheap and do it again. when confronted, let's blame it on her becasue she 'chose the morning' when we were 'vulnerable' and because she is just too damn good. let's clarify that she is not good enough to have a relationship with and that she was not good enough to resist looking at internet porn since january and that she is also not good enough to not lie to. now, back to our web page... let's post come on letters from a girl that sent pix of their nasty tits to us, then send that dear friend a phone for x-mas. also, we'll put come on letters from kelly and some girl from a restaurant. then we'll claim we aren't feeling sexual or looking for love. also, we'll prtend to make attempts to be honest about little things (like changing our minds about what to get mommy for x-mas) but leave out things like buying presents for club people. let's be cold when renee needs a friend and civil when no one's on line. now, let's be friends with God (because He is the only one who can't reject us) but spit and shit on Him with every breath we take. let's set rules for renee and break them ourselves. let's not analyze our own fucked up psyche but ridicule renee for hers. let's say things about the help she needs instead of helping her out. let's buy lots of toys and books and things for ourselves and buy our ex-fiancee a coffee machine for x-mas and make it sound like a well thought out gift for one to order on-line. let's be mad that renee has friends over on x-mas eve to keep her from wanting our attention and just for fun let's take everything for granted.
i feel better already. i think i'm moving on. i've found the greener grass and and i'm setting up my laptop here. this is the life, sweet children. this is the life.
more later, kids.
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you -- Rrr
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how deep do you dive when you try to find me? why do you dive when you see me above the waves? what is it you hide from in the depths of your dungeon? why do we go on playing these games?
and i could have your legs broken your car busted your life picked up and thrown away and i joke about it... but will not would not life is the best revenge and has a better plot the drama never ends i see everything in my life a movie and it seems my scenes won't end... what was that dialouge i threw it in your face (you're a failrure; i hate you -- do you know how long i've wanted to say that? do you know how much i hate that i did?) and all my fist feels is the flesh of your face in my daydreams in the worst way, for what you've done to my friend, let's fuck it all up and take the innocents down with us lets just make this the end...
well, fine then right back at ya, babe... i'm reeling. does it seem to you i'm numb or dealing well with this topsy tury sleeping in the ceiling trip we've started in on? or do i seem also to be slipping and i'm supposed to make it easy for you to move on with your life without me? you never made a life with me; you never let me be a part of you... you never; i did. but we could examine my faults. well, i'm a psycho. that was easy.
maybe more in a bit... i'm tipsy.
*pause*
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okay... so. the link from hell, or the page of good intentions. andy's page. see what you may see... this isn't quite the dramatic presentation i'd hoped for, but like i said, scanner's broken.
andy may have made danyell and i lose our chance at the apartment we got. we needed the money today, and he wrote me a check a week and a half ago for the $500 he owed me... but never put money in his account! of course, he's bought himself many a thing (including a laptop computer) in the past few weeks. he wants me out so badly that he'll fuck me out of getting to leave! stupid asshole.
and i just tried to call porter but he was not in. poop.
scott has been away for a week; i miss him to death almost. he should be home early morning hours thursday... today was his birthday... so...
i don't want to sleep alone out there on the floor... but i must. for anyone who didn't catch the implication... i'm moving. which means no computer. which means bye-bye web page/diary/therapy. "...these are my nasty little thoughts..." -- Renee ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????