January 4, 2001

a brand new year. well, let's see what kind of shit it'll bring. so far, i've had more drama then a weekday afternoon on ABC. if you haven't been keeping up, just check out my bulletin bored, located at 'say something in your defense' below. i usually am all for high school- style instigation and he said/ she said fun... but this is getting ridiculous. i am for the most part keeping my mouth shut. there's enough shit-slinging that i can sit back at laugh at all the morons. it's not that i don't have things to say; it's just that i don't have to.

work has been work-like. much better now that the holiday is over, but still not really fun. lisa is going on vacation next week (hooray for lisa!) which leaves me to run the show, which should be exciting but instead sux. i don't feel confident that i'll accomplish anything; plus i'll really miss having her around. good thing we live together, huh, lisa?

adam got a job with commerce bank. go adam!

my kitty is still at Andy's. i miss you, belly....

... and i'm just slipping this in here, just real quick: i miss Andy so much that i want to die sometimes. sometimes, i think i am already dead. but that's just our little secret...

things with rebound guy, despite the drama, are ok. and that all i'm gonna say about that.

hrm... i think i'm done here for now.

"i'm alive and still kickin'" -- Rx --

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Januar 8, 2001

... and i wonder what you are doing there in that idle space, always hanging out these days in cyberspace, always so not-so-alone alone on your own and moving on, yet taking different steps then i would... and i wonder who is there with you, in the (our) living room or the chat room or telephone, who can comfort you and capture you captivate you so soon... look who's talking. look who's talking. it's not fair and i have no right but they're my feelings and i'm sticking to 'em.

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Janua 10, 2001

this is the song that never ends... it goes on and on my friends... some people started singing it not knowing what it was... and they'll continue singing it forever just because...

lol...lol...lol...lol...lol...lol...lol...

my life is funny.

godsmack, _awake_, track 8. -- Rx --

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Janu 10, 2001

it's funny how happy we can be when we menstruate. how does the saying go? never trust anything that bleedes for seven days and doesn't die.

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Jan 13, 2001

the devil is alive and well and living in new jersey. i think oaklyn, to be exact.

but lets take things back a little. some of the story got lost along the way.

alright. so me and Andy have our problems, and we have this big fight, and we're over. i am trivializing the motherfuck out of this because it's not the big news right now, and because of the sorrow. a week later, i hang out with mark, a mutual friend of mine and Andy's, and also the ex of my ex Alana. we decide, hey this rocks, lets hang out again... and then we decide it rocks some more, so we keep hanging out. for a brief period of time, before i share this bit of info with Andy, we're having the greatest time. we'd always gotten along well, and there's natuaral chemistry working it's magic as well. so, hooray, i found a rebound guy.

then we tell Andy, who tells the whole world and the whole world's mother. who gives out my home address and my web addy. who contacts the ex/non-ex-girlfriend mark still lives with and shares this info with her. and that is how the world of shit that is my bulletin board got started. Andy rallied the enemy camp who made a sneak attack before we knew the war had been declared. ok, so i've been mad about these things i'm hearing. no one wants to get taken for a ride, and no one wants to be lied to. that's why i left Andy. why would i want to be put through it again? especially with all the anonymous caring souls with their heresay and gossip reaching out a helping hand? i mean, mark's gotta be worst guy ever, right? fully endorsed by alana, who can talk shit with the best of 'em. alana, the mother of the only child i know he has. alana, one of two people with the balls to sign their name. tell me, after rob, after Andy... what's the worst he can do?

let me tell ya... so far i feel looked out after. i feel sexy. i feel free. i feel like i do not need his love or the love of any sucker to get by... but that if we make each other smile, i'm doing okay. i feel a kinship, a bond. a something simpler and deeper than makes any sense, and doesn't have to be good or godlike or pass a morality test. i am fully aware that he might someday hurt me. i've been hurt before. that maybe he's lying, about still being with katherine (who had the balls to sign her name but not call me back or knock on my door when she was invited... which didn't stop her from ringing my bell at 1am just to drag mark out of bed and back home) or about his feelings... that maybe he's made some mistakes and maybe even made them on purpose... but all that is okay. because he is fun, he is sweet, he says and does the right thing at the right time, he doesn't pass judgement on me... and before all this shit started we were having a darn good time...

urg... i have a bad headache and no clear thoughts. i don't know where i am going with this. i have to deal with losing my friendship with Andy if i keep seeing mark, in addition to losing Andy in the first place. there seems to me no reason not to go ahead and see where the mark-path takes me, as long as he keeps treating me like gold. he's not done a damn thing to hurt me so far. i cannot be a slave to Andy's grudge, as much as it pains me to accept his terms. he won't believe that this isn't about him... again with the rambling.

"sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave" -- Rx --

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Ja 18, 2001

is it too much to ask for to have some peace of fucking mind? i guess so. i can't be sure any of my friends are doing okay. i know that i'm all kinds of fucked. i cannot trust that i know anything at all, in general and in that big philosophical way. why did i have to be born with a brain? the more i know, the less i know. knowledge breeds questions. sometimes you get a glimpse; sometimes you get a shit pie to the face. sometimes they are the same.

and i know... everyone means well. everyone wants what's best for the themself. i want what i want. i get what i want and i never want it again. i know me. i know what has happened to me. my reality does not have to be yours. i don't have to accept your truth, your idea. and you don't even have to listen to mine.

"... a second of my purity for a lifetime of your lies..." one of my favorite quotes ever. i have come to not understand lies at all. yes, i used to all the time. i hurt lots of people. but i discovered, the truth hurts worse every time. what you thought it was, it isn't, and when you find out you'll be so mindfucked you won't even be able to stand. then you have to justify your mistake to everyone, or just walk off the face of the fucking earth.

so why am i always trying to make everything OK? there is no such things as ok. it doesn't exist, like fairies and dragons and vampires. OK is a beautiful dream, like santa and the easter bunny. welcome to my kingdom of shame. lol.

"addiction needs a pacifier" -- Renee --

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February 7, 2001

i guess i should archive some of this shit, but i don't feel like it. listening to the second eve 6 cd. i miss music; forgot how much i love this band. can't wait to go concerting; fear factory on valentine's day. me and mark are all about the romance.

for the first time maybe ever, my period arrived after exactly 28 days. go me and my non-pregnant self.

just got off the phone with alana. it's funny getting glimpses into that girl's head. will probably get to see her friday. that'll be weird. too bad i won't see tasha. i haven't seen either of them in years. i was staring at mark yesterday, realizing how much tasha looks like him. it's creepy. i give him shit all the time these days about not being a daddy. i guess it's the mommy in me. after all, his daughter is one of the two kids i actually like in this world, and i loved her before i knew him. odd.

january 31st came and went. spent the night out gothing. was a good distraction. had a fight with jessie, which sucks. she's mad at me for being a selfish person. i thought it was part of my charm.

Andy is still job-less (did i mention he got laid off?) but apparently trying to go back to school. i worry for him, but i think i am healing okay. i keep busy. my room is slowly being turned into my haven. i think once i get it how i want it, i'll never want to leave it. there are slinkys everywhere...

went to jeff's birthday party. that was good for me. the warm weather is good for me as well, but i thought the snow was beautiful. need to buy more music. and have to read soul of the fire. been worried much about lisa. she has sad sickness.

okay, gotta clean and stuff.

"i loved me life and i hated you" -- Rx --

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