so the only real problem is that work sux... i need to do more interesting things with my time off, but shortly, i'll have only the limits and boundaries of my vehicle... :) damn, that sounds so nice...
sWeeT -- ReNee
mAy 17, 1998
and i spent the day with my ex-girlfriend and her baby... met her husband; they're not really together, she's got her own apartment... i hadn't seen her fort wo years until the other night when we hung out with (get this) my ex-boyfrind, who is also her ex-boyfriend... i met him thru her. part of the reason we haven't kept in contact was because she was really pissed and hurt when he and i got together... the other thing is she said i was lying about being raped by her former best friend, who was the person that introduced us...
what a cute little soap opera i live...
and worse is that she told me that he is trying to fuck with my head by wanting to get back together, but i can't trust her either... keep your friends close... but your enemies closer...
and me and the current ex had a nasty post-break-up break-up yesterday, where he lost his 'still-friends' priveliges by his own choice, then he calls me today to ask if i wnated a ride to the club... HA! what a mess...
plus, i hooked up with a taken guy the other night and he got dumped and had death wished upon him by the chick... i feel guilt. how interesting, and odd... i like this guy and all, and he wasn't that serious about her, but i've never really been on this end of things... not when the other person found out anyway... but i didn't fuck him, so it's all good...
the car is still parked outside; plan is to permit on tuesday... wish me luck... :)
back to that baby thing... i'd never held a baby before, and i generally dislike children of any age, but i love this baby. she's 8 months old, names tasha. she's got one blue eye and one brown eye. it rocks... and she doesn't really cry, and i think she likes me too... it made me feel so cool about life and everything just holding her... even watching her diaper get changed wasn't disgusting!!!! well, i guess that's about it... some of the poems on here are about the ex-girlie girl... i'll add more soon... thassabout all... keep smiling keep shining -- Re
May-be 19, 1998 and so i just found out the big bad scary of honesty-- sometimes people hear you... for any and all interested parties, i'll put alana's opinion of my page on here, too... (alana's the ex-gf type.) maybe i'll make my entire life public and post all of rob's e-mail's and my naked baby pictures, too... it seems as tho she picks on my honesty... i don't believe that silence is a lie... ya know how when you ask someone why thet didn't tell you something, they say 'you didn't ask the right question'? yeah, well.. that's me, i guess. and i've surrounded myself with people that are the same way... and thus, soap opera... i dunno, this 17-again feeling is ironic and shitty... i have people in my life that i haven't spoken with in years... loong story shorter: i met rob. i became dependant on him due to family problems. he introduced me to alana. i pretty much fell in love with her, hardly saw her and was painfully intimidated by her, but loved her nonetheless. broke off with rob, but kept seeing him. got crap every step of the way from both of them for everything i did... but anyway... it is my absolute opinion that i was raped; rob doesn't seem too sure. miscommunication. confusion. but that's a whole other story... i spent the wknd after with alana at rowan. she helped. we talked. she was supportive. she didn't doubt me. i felt as tho she actually cared about me. and i guess she did... in her way, which is probably as fucked as my way of caring for people. enter ris. he came to hang out. we got along... he came to hang out a week or so later. alana knew he was coming and started to get really mad... after we hung out, she started throwing shit in my face -- told me i was lying about rob ('how could you do that to my best friend?') and insulting me about having slept with ris. granted, she was hurt. two people she cared about just got together and she felt abandoned? cheated? whatever... but just as she said that what we did by forming a relationship hurt more then her own personal tragedies, her back-stabbing betrayl hurt me worse then being raped, my mother's abandonment, or anything else about my life... maybe we're even in karma points? so ris and i were together for a
while, things fell apart, he moved, he joined the marines... and then he came into my life again, back in october-ish... we hung out some, fooled around a wee bit. it's confusing, but i didn't want to get back with him. the logic outweighs the emotions, and how could i go back to something that failed me? but i guess i decided to give the benefit of the doubt... trust him as far as i could throw him, more or less... but he was really bugging me about getting back together and it was really irking me. and now alana says he's out for blood and i have to reason to doubt her because it's believeable. but, if i talked to ris... would he say she's saying the same things? ah, high school... how i missed it... and yes, i am talking to rob again... needed closure. not that i'm getting it exactly. we talked thru the problems some, but there are residual feelings and the lack of trust... if i was asking for advice, i'd take me own: stop talking to them, all of them. it's like a death trap. my emotions run too high around them; there's too much of me at stake. and i'm made of stronger stuff now, so they would never break me... but wearing me down is a definite possibility... i'm exhausted anyway... "i'm afraid of changing cuz i built my life around you" -- landslide LAUGH OUT LOUD -- ReNee
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june 16, 1998 did i mention he's a man of God? no matter... we're all just servants of some higher power... balance... balance in everything... maybe it's a lack of sleep... a lack of need... a lack of displeasure... a lack of pain... the un-void... (it's my un-birthday) i shaved the underside of my hair again and i feel more like me... work was hell on earth today (not literally, Andy...) and i'm tired... but i'm good... i've got to go back in a few hours and finish some shit... poop! i cannot go to ani friday because i have to work... the guy who was goingt o take me declared his love for me... sometimes i feel like lucy in dracula... (note: i will fix my typos when ihave a chance) i hope i don't get eaten by a wolf. my vibe was broken by my lobster and my bestest friendest... so i'll go and return when it is rightt o do so... beetlejuicebeetlejuicebeetlejuice! -- ReNee still in love... -- ReNee well... life as usual is full of twists and turns. i've spoken with none of the old crew, and do not really care to... why involve myself with things that only bring me feelings ogf general negativity and angst? exactly, there is no reason to. i'd much rather be happy, after all... so, yeah, i met a new guy. (don't i always?) and yes for those speculative and interested parties, i did sleep with him already... but it's all good. i am happy, after all... his name is Andy and he's shorter then me... it's cute... i'm actually at his house right now using his computer... ain't like grand? i know you're out there, thinking all those bad things about me... but i don't care anymore... you all suck... i'm happy... things are good... now all i need is a car. well, my license... and Andy is going to take me monday morning for that. (cross your fingers... hold your breath... if he comes thru for me on this, i'll die of delight...) he's brought me presents everytime he's come to see me and treats me me like a lady... i know i'm not a lady but that's why it's so nice... his hair is wicked long and so pretty and he's sweet and we've been inseparable since tuesday afternoon... what a tangled web i weave and work my way out of NO THANKS TO ANY OF YOU... yes, yes, i'm bitter. happy and bitter. mad a t everyone i let mislead me misdirect me treat me like shit when there are beautiful awesome people in thw world that appreciate me... there's a fire in his eyes and i love it... okay, i'm done now... i'd rather give him my attention then a dumb ole computer anyway... life is gut. close a window, open a portal to an alternate dimension -- ReNee ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^june 7, 1998
Date Unknown
