november 2

marvelous 3!!!!!!!! saturday night!! i cannot wait. my favorite band live once again! and later this month, they might be giants! (well, it is black friday... maybe not.) i owe the singer head... hrm.

halloween was fine. a gang of us watched cinematic classics (traces of death, killer klowns from outer space) and ate tacos. adam was pikachu and i was a kitty cat. it was weird not having the option this year to see rocky horror at the harwan.

i think money shit will stablize in a few weeks. i'm glad to have my credit card. i am doing well with payments, and it's nice to know i can still get stuff i want/ need. go me.

scanner still is not functional. grr.

Smack My Bitch Up -- Rx --

%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%

no 25

what matters? what gives? where do i go from here? why do these questions keep coming up? why do i never find the answers? i realize now that it isn't that they don't find me. as my manager said to me tonight, these issues are mine. so, what now? i can learn computer stuff (actually make code that allows links to work!) and do web design for jeff (that's 3!), plus help him with his new cafe, and sometimes do some porn (more on that later), and make at least what i do now. that way i don't have to work retail anymore, and can have real people hours. be more relaxed. actually enjoy holidays. oooh, barbecues!!!! know where and when and what all the time. actually have a *gasp*shock*horror* schedule. sounds good to me.

i also need to chill the fuck out about Andy. i mean, i have every right to get upset, and be afraid. but i know that we will be together, that we love each other. so what else matters? i need that answer. this morning was splendid: sex and breakfast

so, the porn. jeff (that's 4!) has a friend named BJ (yes, bj) who runs a porn site. (no, i cannot give you the link, although i'd love to promote it.) for whatever reason, i was asked by jeff if i'd be interested in modeling, which i was. i talked to Andy about it, and we came to a middle ground. (imagine trying to make your boyfriend trust you while pleading for permission to get naked and masturbate for other men!!! see why i want to go easy on the poor boy? the poor boy who can another woman sleep at his house the other night, but i digress...) i had met bj briefly one time, and i show up at his house last saturday to find a house full of 9 people waiting to tape and photograph me. *gulp* i have no shame, but damn was i nervous. so, it took me forever (long story short) to finally get off enough to want to stop... and i didn't meet certain requirements, so i couldn't even get paid. i knew ahead of time that i might not. but!!! i did make a new friend in porn master bj, and earn a nickname: porn faerie. bj made me feel very comfortable, and none of the guys were skeevy at all. and i didn't get raped, which is always a plus. what a sense of humor i have.

i was far more angsty when i started writing this. i hate doing this on lisa's laptop. think i'll go now; maybe write more, fix my fucked up links tomorrow.

"every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of..." -- Rx --

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the end of the world as i know it

... ... ... ... ...

dec11

A Letter to Andy

you cannot 'come clean' because of the way you lie. your lack of attempts to help me trust you leaves you no leverage now. you pile shit on shit to cover your ass, finding a nice story to bail you out when caught, then adamantly stand by, declaring it honest and true. you watch yourself destroy me, and sigh in relief that you have not been caught. what you never understood is that i've always known you had layers and that i loved all of you. all i asked in return was respect for that love: honesty. you failed. i will never know what your intentions were this time around, but you have given me no reason to listen, to put myself in a weakened position, to let hope overcome to obvious. your cowardice has been more important then your love for years. i find you to be pathetic, juvenile, and weak. in other words, you disgust me. that is not said with the hatred i think i feel now, but with amazing sadness. i will love you, as i always have, and i will live with a clear conscience. you will wear your guilt in your eyes but i believe you will never change. if you couldn't change for us, destined by God to be together, then you won't for yourself or any other girl. i will pray for you. -- Rx --

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

dec21

i am not ignoring any of you. give me one more week, and i'll have found my head.

all my love -- Rx

------------------

distemper 26

i've got this sigh of relief welling up inside me. it's afraid to come out because it doesn't know if i am allowed to relax. x-mess is over (joy and un-joy, all at once), so work should be if nothing else calmer. i still am not enjoying my time there, feeling like an unmotivated failure and such. plus, my manager still hates me. i spent the eve with a migraine, but did not leave until after we were closed, and all he had to say was that i shouldn't have wasted the company's $$$. fuck that.

as for Andy... shock? numbness? disbelief? maybe hope in the shadows that somehow, someday? how can i say i love him the way i do and leave him? who needs self-respect? i am starting to doubt love, it's existence and what have you. the more i feel about it, the more i feel that it's unnecessary. what a predicament. i've got on one side the guy that should and says he does, who showed me anything but. on the other, i've the man who does not believe and claims i've changed him, woken his heart, whatever. all i want is Andy to love me, to make me feel the way the rebound guy is. why must there be a rebound guy? screams my fan club. there just must. my question is: why did rebound guy (a totally untrustworhty character if i ever saw one) have to bring feelings into things? i would have rebounded, spent time, slept with him, whatever... i don't care to be loved again. i don't want to love again. what the hell is going on here? can't anything ever be easy? i can't believe that in a week i turned a bad guy good. if i couldn't do it in two and a half years...

so Merry Christmas to everyone. i hope it was well. mine had monents, lemme tell ya. rebound guy took me to lake in the woods to watch the sunset. rebound guy also has more $$$ then God, and bought me insane presents (like a dvd player). (i bought him a book... i am lame.) we spent time at my mommy's house, and that went very well. i had not seen her in months. my gaggle of friends and i did not make it to the movies as i had hoped, but i guess you can't have everything.

can i tell you a secret? i am waiting, hoping, for Andy to show up on-line. guess girls don't have to wait by the phone anymore; we wait by the modem.

i have never been this numb before. my emotions are a curse. my lack of emotions, this frantic logic, is hell. i can trust no one. i cannot have what i want. i could have a reasonable facsimilie, with all the perks and without the love, and potentially all the same problems, except no love. which would make it easier... but empty. i'll be empty anyway. and why am i bothering to think about love or relationships at a time like this? because dealing with losing Andy will kill me. remember me last year?? it wasn't pretty.

in the end, it's all about the cash and prizes.

maybe it's time to wave goodbye now -- Rx --

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~