so is it wrong to only talk about myself today? it's been on my mind a lot, but i have nothing to say. it's too sad.
so, anyway.
my birthday: not the world's favorite holiday. around labor day, right before school. for many years in a row i spent my day in kmart getting 'presents' (translation: back to school products). my first ever b.day party was when i was 16 (i don't complain about the party itself: lorraine arranged it at mcdonalds), and at my third, for my 21st, i got drunk and almost blew andy's friend outside of our apartment. the year i turned 17 was the worst. my mom wouldn't let me go out (i want to think rob was gonna take me to see _the prophecy_), so i spent the whole day alone at home. couple days later, i cheated for the first time, which led to a horrible fight with rob (duh). couple days later, i had my second party at rob's apartment in new brunswick, where alana and i got married. this is the same day that my mom finally tried to kill herself (vodka and stock-piled antidepressants... one has to wonder if they would've worked if she'd taken them as prescribed) and went to ancora. in addition, there's the whole 9/11 thing, and that the first time andy and i broke up, it was in september. so, you see, i don't necessarily look forward to my birthday and its surrounding days.
this year... vanessa came for an inconvenient visit. i thought we had a fun time; we shopped at target, had lunch at silver diner. i've been really tired lately from the hell that is macy*s, so i know i was pretty zoned while she was here, but otherwise things were pretty normal. on thursday, she was coming to the mall so we could at least have lunch, but hang out a bit more if i could get off early, which it turns out i could, but i needed to talk to this lady about possibly making equal pay to bath & body or getting a promotion. so when i asked if she could wait a little while, she freaked out about hitting rush hour traffic. "it's always about what's good for you!" she accused. now, people, we know i am selfish, but when it comes to vanessa-- NO. mark and i were going to let her live here, i drop everything when she calls. i just can't explain enough how i try to do everything i can for her. so my response is, "what the fuck?", and basically i say 'go home then', and as she turns to go i pushed her a little. the rest is kinda hazy, but we exchange words and she grabs my hair and beats me in the face with her purse. i know she did this three times (i pushed her off twice and attepted to have a more civil verbal fight), and the last she knocked my glasses off and gave me a fat lip. the good news is i didn't have to work that night on account of the blood.
so again i ask what the fuck? i don't know where the violent hostility came from, where this perception of me putting myself before her came from, or what i'm suposed to do now. i am so fucking sad about this. i've been so happy to have my sister back. i don't think she'll ever apologize. next year i'm not having a birthday.
thanx adam and brian for the presents. :]
in the dammitt, it's a small world category, the aforementioned andy's friend (darren, the married guy) now works at the verizon kiosk in my mall... which i found out as i walked between macy*s and bath & body works with a bloody towel on my mouth. the fiesty part of me wants to go talk to him, and the smart and happy part of me mutters 'creepy@creepy!creepy!' everytime i walk by.
*moment of slience* -- Rx --
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i thought owning a copmuter would mean that i update more frequently...?
i started a post the other day about reading someone else's love letters but i didn't want to share any more about it. it's like this weird personal connection to me and my favorite character. otherwise i haven't had much to say...
been working a lot. between the two jobs i only have one day off a week, which is ok. two days i have to open at b&b, then take the bus to the other mall to close at fye. i start working at 9am and stop at 10pm, with 2 hours inbetween. the other days i work 5 or 6 hour shifts. and the jobs are easy enough. funny thing is my manager at fye wants me to come back as a manager. ha. who says you can't go home again? but do i really want to make another change? i'm just getting into bath & body, and i like it so far, and the company seems swell. last week i was a bit allergic to the store, but all else is good there. decisions, decisions.
i can't log back onto AIM w/o restarting my computer, and i don't want to because i'm doing this and mark's listening to flaw, so sorry jeremy that i disappeared...
still haven't spoken to my psycho sister. still sad, hurt, and angry. my lip is still healing.
our lady peace is my current new favorite band. didn't see the new episodes of buffy and smallville yet... cannot wait for hockey to start. hopefully we'll be able to go to more games this year. saw the nj devils play once each of the past two seasons, and went to a handful of phantoms games. mark and i got together because of a phantoms game, and a carnation. *smile*
"maybe you just need a friend" -- Rx --
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weird to think that it's andy's birthday, but what's actually cool is that it's almost mark's! and our pal joe had his b.day today as well. and alana's is next week too.
there's something sticky on the 's' key.
and in the totally random but fucking cool category, one of my best friends from way back 'n the day (i.e. high school) tracked me down!!! my pal grover (tho it seems to make more sense to call him joe now) who now lives in frickin' florida left a message on the machine the other night, and we talked the next day for a while on the phone. wild shit. but i am tres happy. i figured he was dead.
no, it's the 'd' key that's sticky.
my mood currently is all creative moody, which sucks since i have to go to bed in a little bit. oh, well. i think i'm going to make an inspirational cd. that should help. and i've got a bunch of candles now (curse of retail... you buy where you work), but it's hard to write when i'm happy.
i know i am totally jinxing this, but there's been progress in the car-getting. fingers crossed.
and in the it's a small world after all/ funny irony & stuff category... that guy darren with whom i cheated on andy is back at the verizon stand in the mall. (i hadn't seen him there in weeks.) why does this matter now, you ask? i've been training at the white barn candle store this week... which is directly across from verizon. i've been avoiding eye contact, but eventually i know i'll have to say something. it's just too weird.
i am waiting for bj (my old 'boss') to send me the tape of my illustrious porn video. and no, none of it will end up on here... i promised mark...
congrats, porter, on your sobriety.
i know there are 4,000 things that i wanted to say...
"i hate my sister... she's such a bitch..." -- Rx --
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the thing about trust that i hate the most is that if someone does one little thing wrong, in just the right way, everything they do or have done becomes suddenly suspect. i sit here with sick stomach and the shakes, all for what could very easliy be a misunderstanding... but the flashbacks are bad and i cannot separate my now from my then. this is why some people have no feelings. it isn't such a big deal, but it feels that way to me...
i spoke to darren and it was anti-climactic. the same day i was going to say hello, he waved to me in the store before i had a chance. we talked for a minute and i haven't seen him since.
i offered to work at fye on both my days off this week. and had a 3 to midnight shift doing a wall move at bath & body. *yawn* i'm tired.
saw the vagina monologues last friday night. very awesome show.
i need more pants. i bought three pairs and two of them need the hems re-sewn (which i dunno how to do). until i can get them fixed, i'll be wearing a buncha skirts and doing lotsa laundry... but i also need pantyhose. the life of a girl... geez.
that's all i wanna say for now... -- Rx --
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the thing about trust that i hate the most is that if someone does one little thing wrong, in just the right way, everything they do or have done becomes suddenly suspect. i sit here with sick stomach and the shakes, all for what could very easliy be a misunderstanding... but the flashbacks are bad and i cannot separate my now from my then. this is why some people have no feelings. it isn't such a big deal, but it feels that way to me...
i spoke to darren and it was anti-climactic. the same day i was going to say hello, he waved to me in the store before i had a chance. we talked for a minute and i haven't seen him since.
i offered to work at fye on both my days off this week. and had a 3 to midnight shift doing a wall move at bath & body. *yawn* i'm tired.
saw the vagina monologues last friday night. very awesome show.
i need more pants. i bought three pairs and two of them need the hems re-sewn (which i dunno how to do). until i can get them fixed, i'll be wearing a buncha skirts and doing lotsa laundry... but i also need pantyhose. the life of a girl... geez.
that's all i wanna say for now... -- Rx --
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why bother? what good does anything ever do anyway? why, why, why do i try to be a good person? even the people who love me don't seem to like me very much (at least when my legs are closed). i got everything i wanted when i was evil, before i believed in God and when i cheated on people and stayed up all night and ate poorly and wasted all my money. i had fun and friends and confidence and yea, i was still insane, but it didn't get in the way- it added to the fun. before when i was sad, i'd go out and do something crazy to lift my spirits. now i sit home alone and cry to myself. why compromise? nothing is ever enough. why bother?
and yes, it's stupid reasons, i'm sure, why i am pouting today. i'm just overworked and still not sure which job i'll keep. have few days off that i spend poorly (trying to have a good time hanging with mark while i'm cleaning). i get nuts when bills are late but i haven't been to the bank to deposit yet. mark chose my distrust over including me and i'm not supposed to be jumpy? and then shuts me out of important events because they "don't concern" me and i'm not supposed to feel, well... left out? have i been cranky, moody, tired? sure. do i need a day out on the town, so to speak, doing something out of the normal routine? do i need to be somewhere other then a mall, home, or super fresh? could i go for a nice walk around new brunswick? night out at the club? could i use a drink and cigarettes? the answer to all those questions is yes.
and am i sure that i get on mark's nerves? well, duh. i know he sometimes gets on mine. but what is it in boys that makes them so darn mean? people in general, i guess... i do it too. you know how someone addresses a complaint and you turn it around to what they did to wrong you (especially when you know they are right)? so that suddenly you are no longer the attacked, but the attacker instead? this is a preferable place to be. unfortunately, mark turned a whole world of shit around on me today and i'd now like to tear his fucking head off and piss down his bleeding stuump of a neck. maybe i'll just go for a walk.
ris has moved back to jersey.
new tori came out; forgot to buy it yesterday.
finally got the title to the car we bought a year and a half ago. i don't feel like explaining that. gotta go to the dmv, etc.
i need a vacation.
"and if you complain once more..." -- Rx --
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just to clarify... ris moving back was totally an afterthought. it causes me no distress, duress, or distraction.
also, my temper is back in check. hope mark didn't read that... ;] love you honey!!!
later -- Rx --
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so it wasn't until i decided to enter a writing contest that i realized how much all my poems suck and how sad i am that i do not ever write anymore.
and can i just say how fantastic it is to drive around with mark? we're renting a car from someone and it rocks.
and i am changing jobs again. going to fye full-time as an assistant manager. i'll have medical benefits in a few weeks and i am making even more money then bath and body was paying me. i'm at one of the stores i used to work at when i was with the wall, and i'm working for the manager (hereafter referred to as wayne) that hired me back in the day. it's like some weird kind of fate, almost like the past three years didn't happen. clean slate, or some such. it's like i am picking up where i left off, except things will take the happy ending fork in the road as opposed to the horriblebreakup-vomitingdaily-incompententmanger-worldfallsapart fork it took last time. it's hard to explain at midnight, but you'll be hearing more about it.
it's almost all my favorite november holidays, which are the 11th (i'd like to give a shout out to lorraine, altho we've *never* celebrated it together in 7 years) and the 18th. the first is the anniversary of the day i met rob, the latter the anniversary of my failed porn shoot. (hey, bj, where's my video???)
time to catch some zzzzzzz's.
put my tender heart in a blender -- Rx --
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