why is it that a broken heart feels so much like getting the shit kicked out of you? as well as being eaten alive, having something try to crawl out of your head, having acid eat through your stomach... and it makes my wrisits itch with the desire for bloodshed.
.. and no... i am not in the mood for details, i am not up for conversation. did he break me? well, maybe. i cheated on him, crazy stoopid fukkin bitch that i am... but he on me too, i'd say. lied, from start to finish, everything from name & age to desires... or so i can only asume. so this is how it happens, and this is how it goes.
and so... now? i stumble. i cry. i hit him. refuse to lie about that. you think i'd have learned... it's his birthday today. i found out on thursday.
i'll tell you the way i see it... the way it hurts the most. he acted like a light in the darkness... but everything i always hated about life, the stuff he argued with and fought against... the things he wanted to ocnvince me couldn't hurt me anymore... he proved them all right. he was the enemy. he was what i was afraid of & i let him happen to me.
i feel so worthless, unloved. desperate. lonely. sad. cannot eat, sleep. work. function. breathe... just breathe. hollow. empty heart... everthing i feared... and more... violated.abused. got what i deserved. how ya like them apples? hahaha. let's see me try to grow up now.
... and making matters worser... my damn car died. trading freedom for freedom.
but i deserve better then this, right? better then someone who would do this to me, who would (metaphorically) rape me every day for over a year... i deserve better then someone who took the nightmares away and gave me Jesus and made me almost whole and who i am in love with? i deserve better then to have a future & be happy... i deserve this pain.
fukkin A... & fukkin B, too...
i'd rather be pregnant... & i'd rather be dead and i'd rather not still love him and ache to fuck him... and i'd rather just forget.
he;s been lying since at least january. lying longer then not lying. one year, four months... some days.
"not much left to love, too tired today to hate." -- Scar-Scar-Scar
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"the only thing i can think of saying is fuck you, for existing in the first place" -- ani difranco
things are feeling some better. just got a kickin' back rub from someone who is very good at it. my whole body has been tense and awful for days. i couldn't even turn my head without a pang or ouchie. i haven't come to any conclusions about what the fuck to do about anything yet. car's engine needs work; so does mine. (haha, that's funny.) i went to birthday dinner with the boy's family. that was nice, weird but nice.
i've gotten only the best as far as support goes. see here for something from long time friend eileen, never before mentioned on these pages for no real reason at all... i love you guys, all you people that never tried to fuck me over. question is, am i the same? i don't know. maybe i just started reaching my full potential of evil or something. all the things that have happened to me (and there have been a lot, most of which i could have avoided... if i was perfect) seem to only confirm all my worst suspicions about life. does self-fulfilling prophecy mean anything to you? it menas the world to me. it seems to be my way... "the question that'll really bake your noodle is, would you still have done it if i hadn't said anyhting?" (not an exact quote, but who can name the movie?)
what bothers me the most today is that he worked very hard to make me ,believe i was insane... had me almost convinced he wasn't one of those kind of guys, that he was a new standard. he actually said the day i found out, before i new for sure, that i was working very hard to destroy him. more like getting too close to the truth, i'd say. trust no one.
ah, foo... so was i destined to this kind of life? i try so hard to be normal (for whatever that means), to be happy, to live my life right. it just never really works... i need to spend some time alone, but life doesn't really allow for that these days. work, money, car, food, shelter. not a kid anymore, no one else has got my back anymore. everything now is behind my back, a sneaky attack. what did i ever do to deserve anything at all? why should i have ever been here? that's right... i'm such a nice fukkin' person.
so well... that's the update for today. stay tuned... i promise it'll be so very.
"i just want you to live up to the image of you i created..." -- Re- Nee
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watched it's a wonderful life tonight... there's no significance in that.
so sad today. a wasted day. woke up crazy late. feel like shit... should go to bed soon, but why? not tired, won't sleep well... sad. did i already say that?
i think i figured out exactly what i want. to be dead. absolutely. but other than that...... i want to be alone. so go away.
"don't think of me at all..." -- Rx
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early a.m.
place where i can say anything, and i hope you're looking, reading... maybe even reading into me, at least a little bit. want to feel the gaze of your eyes, the heat of a stare. want to feel fire. went out with danyell and got drunk last night and that made me feel better today. wonder what will work tomorrow? bought grassroots (whoknowswhy?) re-read some lyrics. things may be moving up, stairs that is, if only, if. we'll see. sounds like a good idea, but since when was that ever a guarantee of anything? everytime i go out phone calls. what my new curfew? 'please, baby, just come home.' home is where my art is and art is in the eye of the beholder. who be-held you today? i wonder if anyone, i envy if they did. figuring so much trouble when this read, by others eyes... but what is that they say? oh, yea... FUCK IT.
it's funny the way that alone feels different, when you're alone= no one is around at all, or alone= the person here is sleeping, or alone= all these people and no one knows my heart. i mean, i need some serious alone time... but i need a lot, have some already, and haven't suffered that in years. my heart has a world of friends and fuck-buddies. 'my lips may promise but my heart...' that's not true. i am amazed at who i think i am now. not who i thought i was, and not who i would have picked to be, but overall happy all the same. that's enuff talk for now.
wednesday wednesday wednesday is all i can say.
"...a part of you but not enough for you..." -- R.
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andy once said that one thing that bothered him the most was what i would say about him after we were thru. (don't ask me why the boy is so goddamn hung up on his fukking appearance.) i now think that is so funny. he did the most looserly thing possible. for those of you not in the know, he was cyber-sexing with some (supposed) 17 yr old. maybe our problem is that i'm too old for him, as in, i hit puberty already. gee, do i sound bitter? yup. he was looking at porn and lying to me about it! c'mon, people, you know me -- hiding porn from _me_. dumb. and then he had this fukk buddy. grrr... i'm getting too angry. he's such a kid, such a baby. that's what i have to say about him. he's a six year old. eight years, tops. smart. funny. irresponsible, fake, selfish.
fine, fine... so i cheated on him too. yes i take the blame for that. i acted badly. i did wrong. i shouldn't have, i wish i hadn't. but then again... why the hell not? i guess i didn't have anything to lose anyway. i've been sick for months, knowing in my gut he was a snake but he just kept covering up. filthy liar. his only excuse? temptation. becasue he wanted to. that makes me feel better. okay, so there wasn't anything wrong with me, i'm not a nasty ugly girl. he just did it cuz he's a nasty ugly person. i cheated because that other person treated me better, made me feel desireable, and offered to help clean. it's terri's trash test, and he passed. i guess i did it becasue i realized there was the potential for a better partner... not that guy in particular, but one in a similar style.
i've never been hurt so much in my life. being (sayitsayitsayit) raped ... wasn't even like this. i could just hate, pure unadulterated hate. i din't have to compromise my right to despise him, like i do now... pretending that we wanna work shit out. BULLFUKKINCOCK. it's all about security. stupid plan to move upstairs. if you really love someone, you don't do the things we did. end of story. i look back and i realize how all my silly exes must have felt... i spend time with andy and i want to be having a good time... but everything's poisoned. it sounds strange, but when i look into his eyes, i see them looking at her. her, or the 45 yr old man pretending to be her. he's so lame, he can't even cheat on me right. and yes, it counts as cheating. why? becasue the computer geek has always said that that the cyber-world is just as real as this one. i put a lot of people thru a lot of shit, and i know the people i hurt the most wouldn't be reading this... but for whatever the fuck it's worth... i am so sorry. i've never really tapped into this guilt shit before... and i dunno how long it'll last... but i did shit that really sucked. you know who you are.
so what now? the big question, what am i gonna do about it? suck it up? wait it out? bail? flee? run? no car, no where to go. have to get to work all the time... and all my options are complicated... like a spider web. intricate, detailed, and once i'm in i may never get out. the hard part is not going totally nuts and blowing off my job and just getting all vagabond. it's hard to hold on to something when you feel empty. it's hard to look ahead and see the unavoidable train wreck my life will become either way. it's not as easy as jeff's room at demarest anymore... if every break-up included porter as a bonus... i'd break up all the time. strangely, i am not even interested in all sorts of crazy sex... i got some damn good oral from a special pal of mine (that i miss like crazy) recently... but i'm not on the prowl for a rebound screw. just don't wanna. want lots of hugs, tho.
scott, i hope you're reading this. just so you can know what's in my head... at least as much as i do.
"it is such a secret place, the land of tears." -- Renee
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it all keeps getting worse. nothing i do matters. nothing i feel changes what i do. every move is a mistake. every inaction is an error. i am going out of my head. i am destroying that man i am in love with. i am tearing apart innocent bystanders. i am a fucking natural disaster. i have no redeeming value. i have no goodside. evil. to. the. core. somebody kill me.
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