so somehow i lost all my stuff between last february and this march. i doubt there was much there anyway (except for the alana's a cunt rant), but the counter and links into the site were lost. i might resolve some of that now; i might not.
i *really* need a new job. i have my period (first time in 99 days! because i am a fully funtioning woman). mark's now-former-friend joel took it upon himself to cop a feel last night, so i'm having been-violated issues. my favorite. did i mention i need a new job? i've been violently miserable lately. i am sick of retail but i have no other (non-sexual) skills or education, so i'm stuck. good news is we're probably leasing a car (as long as i have income) which means mobility! hooray!
silent hill is awesome.
we got the beat -- Rx --
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i am in an excrutiating place. no one seems to understand. in less then a month i will be unemployed against my will. i am skill-less, education-less... feeling worth-less. my reflex is to flee. i do not wish to leave this place; the things i have are nice. i like my man, i like my apartment. i refuse to lose. i itch. applications everywhere i could stand to work; no where i want to work exists. i am sick of being paid shit for my heart and soul poured into retail hell after hell. i want jeff, my former eternal hero, to save the day. i am my own hero now. i miss the fantastic. i am fantastic. i want to let go. i have to hold on. i reach out in the dark... hoping for you. i am alone with my darkness, i am alone with my shame and my soul. drowning in my drama. i can't breathe this air; let me breathe yours. you can't save me.
i hate being grown up. i resent and i am bitter and i fight my duplicity, as i will forever. it is my lot in life.
adam is back in town and this is good. alana is back in state and living in a trailer and this concerns me not, save for the fact that i miss tasha. rob came to visit this coast and i never even knew.
wish i had a computer at home. wish i had a car. and bookshelves.
"i was born to lead a double life..." -- Rx -- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
so... two good things have happened. i decided that i'd like to do something non-retail if i can help it. a friend has recommended learning to type ('peck-peck-peck-backspace-peck' apparently does not cut it in the real world) and learn a few computer programs, and get a temp job, which is possible. however, i saw an ad in the paper for a womens center looking for help, and now i am totally in love with this idea. helping people do something more substantial then find their kids' summer reading assignment books? sign me the f*** up! now, i doubt i'll get this particular job, but i have an idea now what i'd like to do. and as jay and slient bob said, what better place then an abortion clinic to meet loose women?
the second rockin' thing that happened is mark showed amazing support for my writing. for those of you who do not know my man, he's not what you'd call an art geek by any stretch of the imagination. he likes heavy metal and can barely stand my tori; he reads r.a. salvatore (forgotten realms only), hockey news, and white dwarf (the warhammer magazine) on the crapper; i work in a bookstore and right now i'm at the library... need i say more? i don't think in 2 years of blissful relationship-hood that he's read a single poem of mine (or anyone else's). so how does this make him the hero? because yesterday he told me to write my little heart out already, to just do it, to try to get published, whatever. he also said i should write a semiautobiographical novel because my life is interesting. that's right-- i'm interesting. *smile*
so combine these two things and i feel like i'm a bit more stable. i should write more, even though i won't make my living that way, because it makes me feel better about myself. it lets me vent my dark side without ruining my relationships. (it never stopped me before, but hey...) i want to do positive things and expunge my demons in a positive manner. go me.
now, if i could just stop wishing i could be a porn star...
"i think we're alone now..." -- Rx -- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my new life motto is, 'when life hands you crap... throw crap at everyone'.
my last day at waldens is next sat; been to a lot of interviews but no job yet. barnes & noble is willing to hire me for a maximum of 50 cents less then what i make now. to say i am sadly frustrated is a wee understatement. pity party for me.
well, that's all here... -- Rx -- __________________________
so everything's all better. bath & body works is offering me up to 8 whole hours a week at a whopping $7.50. life couldn't get any better... no, wait....
LOL
redrum -- Rx -- _________________________________________
july 17
july 24
aug 8