it was kindly requested by someone i love that i take the time to work on this page because it in some way does something positive for that person.
"Random thought: updateyour website, eh? I like the occasional
cryptocrystalline glimpses into your life."
and so here i am, unsure of what to say or how to say it. i used to use this page as my diary, as a way to say whatever becasue i had no secrets and and i didn't give a about who knew what. it was kinda funny, back about a year ago, when Andy said that people from his half of the world had read certain information on here (namely that we fucked) and gotten mad at him. (apparently he has friends that take Christianity seriously.) wow. someone cared what i had to say... not that i cared. now it seems i walk on shells and eggs and must choose carefully, i must fear to tread about what you may read. why?
I've got a secret.
tell you what that means to me -- _red shoe diaries_. tell you why. trying to have what i am supposed to have being who i am not but am supposed to be (or could be and contain the potential for, or really am and refuse to be because i come from a nasty bad and evil place) is crazy and hard. open. honest. caring. FA. who wants to be happy? really? good-feeling? i don't think so... content= stagnant= boring= pain. "Tedium is the worst pain." Amen.
so what's my point. i don't have one; i hardly do. i am an angst-y whine-y grrrly by nature, and i don't think i want to give that up. so explain why i have becasue i cannot. i love my life... i do! don't believe me? i don't blame you.
i've got more friends now, people i see often. i have less free time
(that i don't spend sleeping)
and less that i want to do with it. i spend my time with a person that i don't enjoy spending time with... let me try that line again.
Andy and i don't really have things in common. he's a computer geek, a gamer... a reader. an intellectual misfit that likes taking over the world from his computer. he reads sci-fi and foot porn. he's got a faith in his heart that he finds hard to follow and it eats him alive... me? i like to fuck, mostly. and read and play occasional cute games and go gothing and be sooo sad and eat at diners and drink coffee and smoke... and i love to be outside in parks and drive around aimlessly in cars listening to nostalgic music that makes me want to live my whole life again (the same or different it doens't matter)... and i love to write shit and cut and paste shit and i never do these things... the difference between us is he does his thing and i do nothing. it's true. i've had this problem for years... i think it's from growing up without any options.
once, ryan (one ex) and i were playing hangman, as we often did. i kept using weird song lyrics and he asked me if i spent my entire youth listening to the radio and writing down the words... and i said yes. it's what i do. sometimes i come up with my own... and i like that much better... but do i ever? sometimes, yes... i cannot print my newest one. it's about a secret.
so what's with me? i've got this killer jealousy about Andy. he goes and gets and lives and does... and i almost hate him for it because i cannot. do not. the ways i enjoy living are restricted. i've someone to answer to, and so does he, but he doesn't... but i do. did that make sense or circles?
he's going to come home any minute now and i don't want him to and i don't want to be alone and i don't want him to read this.
i think this has helped me, somehow. i do not know what now and i have no answers or conclusions. who the hell is... anyone?
"i loved you before i met you and i met you just in time because there was nothing left" -- Rx-Nee
my ever thickening plot; this page comes in spurts; and so here i am again, going down the only road i've ever known... (i think those're the song lyrics) things are always more interesting here in the flashes of seconds that it takes for my mind to come up with and digest and turn outside in all those things that i think, or at least think i think before they're the wrong way in.
and i've got a 'date-ish' tomorrow with a cutie... :)
and Andy's been doing lunch with some girl and didn't think to mention it to me...
life is weird.
"i know that i don't always realize how sleazy it is messing with these guys..." -- RRRRR
fa... all that trouble and i don't even think he liked me!!! what to do what to do when #17 falls thru??? i feel like such a dumb-butt. but i had a wonderful time and was even quite happy.
never sure what day it is since the calander hasn't been on the wall. grrr... hateful memories. but i'm not sharing that story.
not much to say... tim the cutie never got back in touch with me. ??? not even to say fuck off... i was upset (mostly ego stuff) for a bit, but who gives a fuck really? recent events have destroyed the song "army" by ben folds 5 (fukkin' chik-fil-a!!!!). we're supposed to start counselling; last shot, i think. and he's allowed to be a hypocrite as long as his words are better then his actions. that's all i've figured out.
'ello porter.
"i want all that stoopid old shit, like letters and sodas..." -- Rx
not like Nessa ever reads this page... i think she's flip her lid and try to ground me...
arg, so... lesse. went to the MARVELOUS 3 show last night; got to meet them again. they said they'd play the wedding (haha... if there will ever be one). and Andy told me to offer up blow jobs, so i did, and they semi-declined. so we'll see what happens next time they're in town. ;) i am just so happy about all of that.
plus, i've got two days off in a row that i can spend cleaning and kitty-fying my apartment. i think i get her next week.
people keep climbing out of the woodwork, and it's freaky cool... in one week, 3 important (or at least interesting) people got back in touch with me. gotta be a conspiracy. just becasue you're paranoid...
Andy and i have been plugging along well enuff... no fights, no ugly scenes. just unattractive ones. we'll see... no counselling yet, either. go figure.
i'm off to go clean and schtuff... maybe i'll stop back later...
"how can i forget you... if there's always something there to remind me?" -- Rx
hey, hey... i just got my hair cut at this cute privately owned salon up the street. it was nice... :) happy Nee. listening to the best of james. waiting for terri to get off work and go hang for a bit. Andy'll be around after 8pm and i'm in an okay mood. just don't feel like doing my laundry like i said i was gonna. and i don't get my kitten for another couple weeks.
did i mention i've been mailing the singer from
marvelous 3 about giving them blow jobs after the show in atlantic city at the end of the month? i didn't? well, i am...
in related news, that fukkin' cutie i hung out with few weeks back had a reason for not getting in touch; i mailed him cuz i was annoyed. he was "busy", but had nothing personal/ interesting/ at all to say otherwise. can you say looooser? and porter has also had nothing to say in days. i didn't know his silence could be such an outstanding presence in letters. go figure. guys suck; i'll stick with the one i've got.
work has continued to be hell. inventory sunday night... fighting with my boss... eck. why bother? i'll just start a life of crime and debauchery and stop trying be an honest and good person and... whatever.
i really hope to hang out soon, heather...
enuff for today. toodles.
"she said i'm so obsesssed that i'm becoming a bore" -- R-Nee
i've decided two things... they are that i like updating this page more often than i used to... and that people only like reading it becasue they love reading diaries. not that that's the most impressive conclusion to come to, but hey, it's true.
i finally got my christmas present working. it's this crosspad computer notebook thing. i just finished doing the handwriting recognition stuff, which is neat... today pretty much sux because i had bad dreams and slept very poorly last night. so i don't feel like doing all that stuff i'm supposed to do. blech.
talked to heather which was cool... glad to know she's alive and semi-well... and glad to know she had the balls to dump that loser. :)
Andy's playing some vampire video game where he 'pretends' to be evil... glad he's working it out somehow, i suppose...
all right, i'm off to fold laundry or whatever... i will try not to write until i have something intertesting to say...
"sometimes when i look deep in your eyes i swear i can see your soul" -- Rx
today is a day i have waited long for... my visitor counter reached (and exceeded!) 1000 today! i just want to THANK those same six people that check my page every day or so... and those few strays that ended up here once accidentally. you guys are the best.
i've also decided that i want to make an animated porn called My Favorite Popsicle that will include such innocent lines as 'I think mine started to melt.' eww, gross. by the way, my neck is really sore.
Andy will be away in virgin-ya for mgmnt training from August 10 to 20. that, altho, cool for Andy and in the long run great for us (have i mentioned how he's excelling in his training and should be placed in a store as a sales manager any day now?), sux huge nasty balls for me during that week.
and lastly, I WANT MY FUKKIN CAR AND MY FUKKIN LISENCE NOW DARNNITT!!!
hmmm, well... what a productive and interesting day i am having. i am rubbing stains out of my rug, preparing the way for my kitty cat, and i spoke to jeff for the first time in weeks(?)... i am tired, out of breath, and hot... and i believe i'll be learning to parrallell parrkk today.
so, i wasn't talking to jeff because i assumed that he gave porter my e-mail addy as some subconcious plot to destroy me, or at least my relationship with Andy. for those not in the know, porter was for a good amount of time my biggest sexual obsession. fortunately, when someone doesn't even talk to you for roughly two years, you begin to feel they are not worthy of your time, let alone your pussy. since porter hasn't written to me in a while (just kinda popped into my inbox long enuff to get me curious, but not long enuff to be a real human being), i can only assume the worst, which i am good at... and that is that he is a louse. jeff pleads innocent enuff and no damage was done, so we're all chill.
tim, of the date that should not have been, has made no contact also. how much abuse can my ego take?
things with Andy are good... i just hope he figures out all this counselling stuff within the next thirty days. ;)
...and i added a bulletin bored (see SayStuff in my navigation box), so you should use it.
gotta go.
"i could take this in doses large enough to kill" -- Rx
