ugh. today is the 12 year anniversary of someone's death, and i'm trying not to be bummed much about it. it's not working.
maybe beacause i have an overwhelming amout of things that are fucking w/ my mojo these days, from work to friends to family to everything and back again. and if the reality wasn't a big enough pain in the ass, the insanity decided to join me for a ride. i'm trying to think if there's ever been anyone who i've known that ever really understood this... i haven't been this unhinged in quite a while, and it feels strange, like i've stepped back and can look at it and see it for what it is... the distinction between the real and imagined is so much more, well... distinct... but there's the blurry place in between, the static in my head... and i think it has a lot to do with the amount of time i've spent alone compared to time spent dependent on other people, and just how many people i've lost in my life. i've tried so deperately to hold on to everyone i've loved and what have i gained from that? if i could have let go of rob as soon as i thought i should, we would have avoided the hell of the past 6 years... or if i'd had the tenacity to fight for him... and it's been an on-going problem since then. i wonder why i even try to meet new people anymore. it's like i'm just inviting more pain, more problems. i have a few friends that have lasted years (eileen and lorraine are always amazingly there for me), but i hardly ever talk to them... it's not a well-maintained machine. and i've realized the ways i use sex to gain control and try to keep people close to me, and i let myself be used for sex thinking that it's love... and how i have a false intimacy with everyone (with all of you...) because i wear my heart on my sleeve, i bear my soul on the web... but who out there can really say they know me? love me? who knew how i was feeling for the past 2 weeks? what's the last book i read? who's my boyfriend? some friends you are! and some friend i am, because i don't know you either. i'm way too self-absorbed to pay attention.
i never should have gone to college.
i think i've reached the end of my pointless rant... and maybe i feel a little better... and maybe i don't.
"doesn't take much to rip us into pieces" -- Rx --
~~~~~~~~~
teenage angst has paid off well; now i'm bored and old.
well, you can add Illinois to the list of states i've fucked in. we're here for the 2002 Warhammer Tournament in Chicago and i'm living it up in the hotel room with web-tv & the worst keyboard ever. go mark!
"i was flying in to Chicago at night..." -- Rx -- **************************
uh... crappy father's day. huh-huh.
go here (
http://www.games-workshop.com/news/us/events/GT-2002/coverage/Chicago/warhammer/models1.htm) to see some of mark's models from chicago.
ciao -- Rx --
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4-27-02
May 4, 2002
june 16