Andy's still alive too...
"think about the good times, not the could-have-been times; it's better that way" (or something like that) -- Rrr
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
dismember 6?
ug. life is brutal. i cannot stand to see each new day, cannot drag my ass out of bed and try to make it thru. cannot think of anything better to do with myself then sulk. feeling so goth. when asked what i was doing with my day, i actually answered, 'i'm mourning'. how pa-thetic! i am such a sad mess.
yes, you know all the reasons why. and it's not very interesting to listen to anymore. stuff like this (like -me-) gets very dull after a while. i know that; why else would i be so bored? i really disappointed myself by cheating on Andy. i really disappointed myself by behaving the way i did after we broke up. i never should have considered getting back together. but once that was out there, i never should have let go of him. i can't quite shake this feeling, and i've been dealing with it for months and months, that i keep trying too hard. i know i talk too much. did i make him stop listening? or did he just not listen in the first place? do i not explain myself, or does he just not care? what more is there for me to do?
one of the hardest things for me is thinking of what i did wrong to make him lie to me in the first place, and i cannot think of any real reason. another is thinking of all the things he did that influenced my decision to lie to him. i don't think i realized even then how much he was hurting me, and i know he had/has no idea either. but for all the talking that i did, all the explaining, nothing ever changed. he just isn't the kind of guy that would have heard my cries for help, that would have changed those things for me or anyone. he still doesn't take all the trash out. he still accepts blowjobs with a thank you and no return affection. he still takes me for granted, like a typical man would. and yet, he is so atypical, so different, so strange and beautiful... and still he only thinks with his dick. i can't figure it out: what is there for me to do? is there even anything at all?
so on a lighter note, the new guy used cocaine. wait, no... that's not any better.
work is hell. i need more $$$$ or i'm gone. danyell is being the bomb diggity friend, as usual. went to dinner with jeff recently. that was nice. had a friend's boyfriend offer me sex, possibly in jest. made me feel like shit about myself. been really wondering about my morals. i thought 'i would never do that...' than remembered i cheated on Andy with a married man. then again, i'm so different now. i hope.
all right y. i'm out of shit to say. feeling sick. Andy will be home any minute now... back to reality.
"i just want you to live up to the image of you i created..." -- Renee
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disinterest 10
it's funny how "it couldn't get any worse" seems to be the best invitation for trouble... i got the answer to my question, tho. there is nothing i can do. i found out sunday night, after i wrote the lasty entry, that Andy (my love, my lobster) is pretty much lost and gone to me forever. he has been totally cold in the past few days, and painfully distant. i do not understand how someone can turn off their emotions like that... but then i realize that he really does not care. he is moving on; i told him i never would, that i hadn't started. there is no life without him. i do not want one.
and it's stupid... becasue i know he's going to read this page (eventually, at some point) and all the words will seem empty.
my best friend jesie has impecable timing. i'm on the phone with her now. i miss her. she will be home in 12 days and then i will be better. danyell is coming over tonight to take care of me. friends rock.
hmmm... where was i? it doesn't matter. i know i have no idea what life will bring... whether in a week i'll give a shit that Andy exists or not. but i am pretty sure i will and that no matter what my actions are, my heart will be waiting for him. my soul has changed. he is my lobster and that lasts forever. in a way, i do not want him to read this. i do not want him to see what i am feeling. i do not want him to dismiss me. and he will...
work has been crazy. i got a raise. !!! my staff tells me that i should be the manager and i agree with them. who knows when i'll write again? computer access is more limited then it used to be. i hate being home and there's something about sitting here that makes me want to scream. "i'm trying not to move; it's just your ghost passing thru" -- R. __________________-----------------_________________ i wish i could feel for a minute as though i mattered, to the right person in the right way, again... just a minute in your heaven to last the rest of my life, which i pray to be brief... oh how sorrowful! my pain will kill us both... i don't mean to be a downer but the world just isn't worth it without you in the center of it... life just cannot be fulfilling and love's a fading dream... you watch me writhing, falling, failing, and mutter apologies... while your knife in my back refelcts the freedom in your eyes... and i guess i brought this all upon me... i guess i asked for this and got it... now i couldn't be more fucking sorry.de da de 15
distemper 21
life is moving too fast for me these days; i can barely keep up, and hardly want to. it's strange, becasue all my pain makes me feel as tho i'm at a snail's pace, but the retail holiday season has been flying (painfully and with no grace) by me. i am trying to make no important life decisions until after another three or four weeks have gone by. in the meantime, i am preparing to move out and spending love money on kick-ass presents for Andy. huh?!? why?!? i said it was love money; i didn't say it was sane.
there's more to say; i need to introduce my loyal followers to something. i have some sad news. but now is not the time for that. i am a woman full of drama, and wish to present these to you in style. (translation: scanner's broken.) till then... tiny snatches, floating bubbles... then gone.
"i try to say goodbye and i choke, i try to walk away and i stumble... it's clear: my world crumbles when you are not there." -- Rrr
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