spit ember 20

fuck it... i'll never get around to fixing this dumb thing up anyway; might as well brag about some shit. love my new job at waldenbooks. reading more these days, which is obviously a plus. currently working on house of leaves by a mark something-or-other. it caught my eye and then my attention but is hard for me to focus on because it reads like non-fiction. i haven't had much to write for months which i think is killing me. there was a book in progress while i was PMS'ing a few months back, but my cycle has been far too calming lately. things with Andy (hahaha) are just fine, as in i cannot tell even if i could tell, you know? it's a mess, but a pretty one and i do not doubt my love and that's really all that (hahaha) really matters, right?

so, what else? preparing for halloween and spending too much money on decorations. it feels good to sometimes walk into a store and buy everything there i want... 50% off sale at jo-ann fabrics. yipee! my biggest news is from last night... Andy's birthday present to me was tix to see Jekyll & Hyde in NY. and in case you didn't know one of my childhood heroes, Sebastian Bach from Skid Row was playing the lead!!! (i had a weird childhood; of course i've got weird heroes!) afterwards, i got to meet him. he even kissed my cheek!!! i do not care that i sound like a pre-pubescent twit. i waited over half my life to meet him... so be happy for me!!!

in other beautiful people news, porter has popped back up into the spotlight. have i ever explained the frustration that boy causes? he's such a fantasy, he twists me up. how often have any of you seen me at the mercy of someone i didn't love? i get fixated on him, and feel terribly foolish. Andy's been sweet and patient with me, giving me the benefit of the doubt until it became obvious that i wanted to fuck porter. it sounds so slutty written out like that. maybe it is that slutty... but everyone has their ideal. problem is i met mine, fucked mine, and get toyed with upon occasion by mine... but never get to see mine or fuck mine again. it's all about the passion, i guess... i am not making sense, and sound guilty... oops.

my cat weighs 13 pounds. just like pikachu.

and on that i end this... interruption.

"is is such a fine line between and good man and a bad." -- Rx --

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shit! 21

... and half my links do not work and i added a picture...

s26

is that a cry for help? "maybe" and then gone. so how long do i wait to see if you return? i didn't realize it until just then. and it's still just a petty thing. it doesn't change the other things. but still. i care.

it's like a buzzing in my head, the fear. it's constant. Andy has been flawless for three weeks. stuffed lion surprise, the one that made me cry last year, outside of kay-bee in the mall. birthday card. and i've been manic he says, but no complaints. but how do i know, how do i ever know when it's for real? and so... circles and psychos and crazy crazy me. every moment, tainted by the unknown. constant preparation for the worst possible outcome, so that i will not be taken down. and what if what if what if... he's not the bad guy after all? and i push him, throw him away? how do i live with this pain, or that pain? 'we make our own choices, we pay our own prices.' but with these limited options, is it really free will? it seems i'll only really know when it's too late, or will it just be greener grass on the other side?

i was born to lead a double life -- Rx --

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o3

we made it past that point, the one that i had been afraid of for months. we survived our break-up anniversary. what a silly way to compare, to analyze. it was the 30th of september last year, that this nightmare started. only sometimes i see that it did not end. we discussed that a bit, recently, that we still have bodies to bury. there are ghosts here, and yes, they haunt me. so i think i may be leaving, again, to see how it feels. for a week. soon. with each day, things feel better. which is not things get better. and it is such a hard decision to make, when not backed by anger or itchy paranoia. to get up and walk out of a party you were enjoying just in case it starts to go bad.

i sing a lot more these days, out loud, in front of Andy. it's always felt so good, and do i really give a damn? i know i sound like shit.

plans for my rutgers reunion party seem to be going well. i have to make some phone calls to people who do not have e-mail and stuff, which i do not want to do. i kinda wanted to be a shadow until the night of the 21st.

i am working at the moorestown mall bookstore on saturday morning; might get my contacts while i am there. will be nice to remember there... just have to pretend that they didn't remodel.

do you want to be a polyester bride?

who am i really? and what do i want? who do i want to be today? and where do i want to go? i think i often forget that life is real. until Andy, consequence meant temporary inconvenience. it meant i didn't get exactly what i wanted, each and every time. but i usually did. now i've got something to lose, fuctifiknow what it is. i do not want to be lied to. furthermore, i do not want to lie.

i hold the hand that holds me down.

maybe i am just too fucking young for all of this. why do i have to keep making not just mistakes, but the same one over and again? by the time i figure it out, i'll be dead. i never thought i'd have anything that matters... but if it matters... what's the matter? am i really just a nutcase? is that what this comes down to? don't i get something nice like that to hide behind? i do not know how to explain where i came from, or how i feel like i am going... and the one person who grew up the way i did will not talk to me because she says she is different now. like i am some kind of poison that will enslave her. i try to buck the restrictions burned into my brain... but instead it seems i seek them out, and then claim i am being possessed. he only has as much control as i give him... theoetically. right? isn't that how it works? what about love? where is my in-between place? my distance. i want a while without the watchful eye.

fuck it -- Rx --

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o10

so, scour and napster and the like are wonderful. so much music. yea, music. go, music. i feel better now.

"and all i wanted was a simple thing, a simple kind of life."

tonight i go to lisa's for a week-ish. i feel so on-the-verge. potential energy-ful. weird. there's all this retro going on. not only am i plotting my rutgers party, but fucking alana starts messaging my board (at least someone uses it), and motherfucking ris comes back to jersey. whee, i am 17 again... except this is what i've wanted since then, and now i do not. i actually want to be 22 and i am. weird. oh, and i did i mention getting e-mailed a personality test by rob? yea, really. i cannot remember if i ever gave him this url. i wonder.

"bad girl, kissing someone else's lips. smoked too many cigarettes today; i'm not happy when i act this way."

i should be packing and cleaning, but i really do not want to. accept reality? fuck you! we had dinner with Andy's mom and sister last night, which always depresses me. i feel so on a different level; they were reminiscing about his childhood toys. this is fine, this is normal, just not my normal... i need to go to new york. i am freaking out about it. i can't decide to go up there with some friends, or take a bus and get lost on my own, or what... i just went outside to throw laundry in the wash, and it is perfect out there. weather just the way i like it: chilly, sunny. yum.

"i did what i had to do, and if there was a reason it was you."

contact with porter has been scarce. he seems to have a life of his own and opts not to exist solely for my amusement. i suppose i cannot hold this against him. aside from the sexual tension, i find him an interesting specimin. his insight is insightful and he causes giggles. i don't know why i associate so much freedom to him; i guess i have trouble being independent. i guess? haha.

things with Andy have been fine, great, fantastic. i spent friday night away and have not felt insane since then... which is why i am going away again. we've talked about stuff; he's been receptive, responsive. i realize more and more that i am smart about us, that i understand what happens and how to change it and all that. it's just beyond me to fix; it takes him, too, and time. but i believe everything will be alright. eventually... i'm impatient.

it's about 3pm. i have so much to do... i need to eat. i guess i will end this now. i'll have access at lisa's, so don't worry. you won't have to miss me.

"i gave you all my time." -- Rx --

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017

first of all, i may have a few new readers, so welcome, few new readers. i know lisa checked this out for the first time the other night, but i've no idea what she thought of it. makes me nervous.

i went out with her (the aforementioned lisa) and her girl pals saturday night to watch one of them sing with her band. this girl is about 21 years old, very attractive, singing all mazzy star in front of 3 middle-aged dorks. but they were cool, singing a bunch of crowd pleasing favorites. the part that sucked was she wanted to do voices carry but they closed the set with an ac/dc cover. ew. i met some super-neat people and one obnoxious cunt. it was good fun.

3 more days till my rutgers party. i left ris drunk at the club last wednesday and i haven't talked to him since. it's weird to realize that i don't want to. (as a side note, anyone wishing to stroke alana's ego can check my bulletin bored and hear her whine.) i am so excited for my party.

spending time at lisa's has been very good for me.

i have no money.

work is crazy.

"i do not like green eggs and ham" -- Rx --

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019

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow....

"you are the perfect drug..."

i am so excited that i keep shaking... cleaned like a demon today and still not done. problems with Andy, of course, but i'm trying to avoid. why the lies? i was a liar, and still i don't understand. lisa says this page might scare some people away; maybe my me-ness intimidates him. i think he's so big, but maybe i'm so big and bad.

"you're actual size but you seem much bigger to me."

porter will not be attending the party. sorrow. poop. and says he won't be available sunday to hang out either. did i mention he sent me a picture? wonder if i should post it.

work is okay. we have a new semi-manager and i actually like him. lisa is showing all kinds of neat inspiration and stuff. she read that damn pat croce book... there's so much to do and not enough time to do it, but new mgr guy, lisa, our stock guy jon, and i have enthusiasm and plans to fix it all... hooray.

looks like i'll be at lisa's for the next couple months. on top of the other shit, there was even more shit. i fear we've done too much wrong to save us. i fear. so much.

i'll let you know how the party goes... ciao.

"and i think that i could love you becasue you know how to be free..." -- Rx --

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o20

i think my party went very well. i had a splendid time. almost everyone showed up. we never got around to twister, tho. thank you everyone for coming; i cannot express how happy it made me. i think i will host another around christmas. there wasn't much time for one-on-one conversation... but at the same time it didn't feel like i hadn't been seeing those people every day for the past four years. it's been 4.5 years since i was at college, after all. crazy time. crazy.

adam dyed his hair and it looks damn good.

wanted to visit new brunswick today but could not. watched toy story. seems to be some conflicting reports about one christopher porter... the plot thickens.

been away from work for three days, but don't feel rested. ran around like a nut to prepare for my party. thought people would still be around today, but i'm just sitting around trying to relax... and suddenly getting a back rub. happy nee. okay, anyway... so i'm agitated. impatient. wish i felt comfortable driving alone; i'd be 45 minutes north as we speak.

hopefully i'll be over that soon.

"i never said i would stay till the end." -- Rx --

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o27

i think he said it was christopher_getz@hotmail.com. pretentious kid that spends his time at the mall. mail him complaints. hahaha.

spent yesterday with jeff (who i've only apparently mentioned here once before... i swear he's an important person in my life). i had a good time, although i got grumpy on the long drive back from hackeysack. we went to new brunswick and hung out there for a bit; accidently drove onto rob's old street. hyperventilating was fun. jeff's apartment used to belong to 70's porn stars.

saw porter for a wee bit as well. i could think of not a thing to say (well, after 'i'm the porn fairy'), but he rambled on a decent bit about whatever and whatthefuck. just stuff. could barely take my eyes off him. still the most beautiful face.

eating, sleeping badly. poor. feel like things are kinda spinning. can't keep up with myself but writing some. that part's good. the new stephen king book is quite entertaining. i like it. things with Andy. heh. things with Andy are, well... what can i say?

i've a scanner now. expect lotsa pix next couple weeks... !!!

"can't stop what's coming; can't stop what is on its way" -- Rx -- _____________________________________________________________________________________________