mmmmm... clean page.
what to say, anyway? i am tired. always. eating more crap (darn cookies! darn dark chocolate hersehey's kisses!) and playing text twist and free cell like a crazy lady. started getting back to e-mails and stuff. still need to call jay and gina very badly. should set up a hang out with jeff and wayne soon. want to start planning a party with my old store friends. saw king arthur with dave after work wednesday. not the best movie, plus tim was pissed that i saw it w/o him. he was in atlantic city winning one dollar gambling. spiderman 2 was really good, tho. speaking of spiders, our apartment is infested with them. i am thrilled.
my store still has broken air conditioning. the past two days in particular were brutal. i was stinky and full of headache when i got home; now i feel better. so much better that i made myself a whiskey sour. watching aqua teen hunger force and wearing a small dress. found the spark website, gonna go take some tests.
too tired today to hate -- Rx --
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ouch. i am sunburnt. every time i move my legs i am in pain. stupid me bought sunblock and didn't put it on. but i had an awesome time anyway at ozzfest in holmdel yesterday. spent 4 hours in the sun holding a sign, talking to people and talking up the signings. from 2:30pm on i got to chill in the tent and got to meet jamie jasta from hatebreed, who put on an really tight set. tim worked with me, doing line control. from what i saw he did an awesome job; randy (my district manager) and the dude from the home office both kinda let him take charge. he looked mighty cute in a work shirt and khakis. and, for the record, he got up at 6am.
off to work at the store. later.
too tired today to hate -- Rx --
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just finished watching monster. i feel gross.
tim had a semi-spontaneous d&d game tonight, so i had my post-work night alone. he didn't want to see monster, so i made myself some tomato soup and grilled cheese and watched the movie. i plan to stay up till he gets home; sucks because i have to open tomorrow. it's super nice to have nee-time, tho. super nice.
had the best day ever on monday. got to hang out with megan (who moved to california), terri (who used to be andy's roommate), and jay (teddy bear!). we went to lunch and stopped at the mall so terri could see wayne. it's been a looong time since i got to see long-time friends of my own. i met jay when i started working at the wall in 1997. terri and megan i met in 1998. i miss having friends... sometimes i think i should try again.
FEAR FACTORY tuesday night was FUCKING AWESOME. got a new shirt; there's a couple new pictures on the pix page of me wearing it. i might put up some from smackdown last week, if i ever get to go through them. upcoming shows: static-x, sebastain bach, liz phair.
my vacation starts aug 20. hopefully by then i'll know what we're doing...
too tired today to hate -- Rx --
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today in renee's history was lollapalooza '95. i saw hole play, met michael, and played dr. mario for the first time.
only 20 days till vacation. tim is working week after next so his partner can take time off. this will also be a neat change for me, a bit more time alone.
legends (comic book store in the deptford mall) closes today. this is where andy and i exchanged phone numbers, where i first watched mark play warhammer. i had sex on the floor in front of trade paperbacks. i cleaned the bathroom. i am sad.
my relationship with tim has been ok lately. i do not mean to say that i have been any less short-tempered, but we have been fighting less. when we do, it seems that something semi-productive ususally comes out of it. before i left for work the other morning, i explained to him the three sides of my story. part of me believes that he and i are going to have a lovely life together, that i will be happy with him, and that all this agony will pass. another part of me believes that my wounds over mark need more time to heal, that tim and i are not quite compatible, and that i want to be alone. and the third feels that my home is with mark and i should be with him. tim took all of this very well. he says he understands, but he also remembers me a month ago, when i hated mark and felt convinced of his evil. he says it's easier to remember the good times (of which mark and i had many), and that he has been in my position. i have also been in my position, but never after having been so happy for so long. could it be that the past three fucking years have all been for nothing? could it all have been a facade? well, yeah, i guess so. is it hard to swallow that he never loved me? would it be easier to live the lie than accept that? well, yeah, i think so.
the day i moved out, i was ready to never look back. i purged so much of myself (old clothes, stuffed animals, toys, shoes, decorations for halloween and christmas, souveniers). i burned bridges by taking belongings i said i wouldn't take, leaving the house a mess, destroying the scrapbook i made us. i made my peace. and for a couple of days, things were ok.
now mark talks to me like a friend. i know the door is open for my return, but i do not know why. it's easier to have a roommate, easier to choose someone you already know. the sex was always good. maybe he just wants to feel the he can control me, or it feels good to him to know that i want him. maybe he just wants to get back at tim by distracting me. maybe there's no real reason for the things that mark does. he certainly makes his life harder by lying. (is it really easier to get arrested for not paying your child support than it is to pay it? is it really easier trying to remember which lie you told to who, and getting other people to help cover your ass?)
the heart wants what the heart wants. mine just wants to rest.
too tired today to hate -- Rx --
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so... i went to see mark tonight. it wasn't really intentionally, but it was kinda nice.
i tend to be more depressed than not these days, sleeping late and not doing anything with my time. (i started reading a book in the waiting room of the gynocologist today and that may have been one of the best times i've had in the past couple weeks.) i have no one to blame for my behavior but myself. i know my patterns of sadness; i know how to stop them. it's hard, however, to care. this mess of emotional sewage makes me a very irritable girl. today felt especially bad to me, and i felt as though i was going to implode. i take all of this out on whomever is closest, so i guess i explode a bit. i felt gross, so i took a drive.
i went the way i go to work, and took the last exit before toll. that led to 130 towards camden or pennsauken; i stayed the pennsauken route. i saw a sign for cove rd, which sounded familiar and guessed i could go left. that brought me to the intersection with something else (might have even been 130, now that i think about it) and i followed that to the circle to collings ave, to park. i pulled up, got out, rang the bell. mark had his friend gabe over, and they told funny stories about his crazy hungarian parents. i laughed. it felt good.
is this wrong? oh, sure. tim isn't entirely pleased. i bet it was overall an unhealthy thing for me. for a tiny time, though, i exhaled.
now i am on my second whiskey sour. my head hurts a bit from the oversleeping and waiting too long to eat. tim was disappointed that my vacation ideas so far were only daytrips. how far away can you get in 15 hours?
oooh, ally sheedy.
too tired today to hate -- Rx --
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i know what you want me to say. you want me to talk about breaking things off with tim, and you want to hear about me starting things back up with mark. you want to hear the details so you can judge me. you want to tell me more tales of his evil exploits. you want to warn me away from what all logic dictates will be a horrible place for me. you want me to be safe. you think that i should take some time and that i should be alone. you want to bow and to shake your head and say you don't know why. i don't know why.
he's a bastard but i love him.
i wanted time to move faster when i was a kid but now i just wish to slow it down a bit. i can't keep up anymore. i had sure footing for a few years but i lost it. i am lost.
too tired today to hate -- Rx --
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ALIEN VS. PREDATOR. hooray. so it wasn't the best movie ever. it wasn't epic. but oh, how i love the queen. i need to rewatch the series soon, and i need the plush facehuggers that suncoast is selling.
tim might be going to maine with his friends next week. i don't blame him; it'll probably be really good for him to get away. his friends just better take good care of him, and not let him get so stoned that he drowns himself in the lake. they might think i'm the devil, but i still care.
mark and i are going to wildwood for the weekend. hooray. not sure what else will be going down during my vacation. not working, for sure. i hope jeff's still coming to visit. i might read a book.
eventually, i might get my retro pay from work. should be upwards of $400 at this point. maybe it'll come in time for christmas; by then, it'll be enough to buy all my presents.
too tired today to hate -- Rx --
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things that suck: mosquitos; working on your day off; junk e-mail; calls from your gyno telling you to call re: pap smear when you know they don't call unless something is wrong. joy.
too tired to today to hate -- Rx --
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i've never been so happy to have a bacterial infection in my life...you'd think they'd be required by law to say on the message, 'it's not cancer'. grrr.
too tired today to hate -- Rx --
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alana reminded me today that i haven't been updating. usually, i say something about my birthday, but i forgot. things have been busy, and as usual when my life has drama, i don't have a computer.
i moved jezebelle back to mark's and she couldn't be happier. i started packing yesterday and brought some boxes over there. so far, things between he and i are fantastic.
tim appears to be handling things very well. i realize how annoyingly difficult this is for him, and i know he probably puts on a strong facade when i am around.
work is blecky. there's conflict between out temporary manager and our real manager, we're very short-staffed, i misunderstood how i was paid, and i feel that i am not doing a satisfactory job.
that's about all for now...
too tired today to hate -- Rx --
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