there has been a rant living inside me, screaming to get out. it wants to share these awful facts of my life; it wants a comparison on the record.
i grew up in a 3 bedroom apartment located on a highway, next door to bars and liquor stores. our rent was $300, if that clues you in to the quality of the establishment. we lived on the second floor, above our laundry room/basement and an unused office. we had to hang our laundry in the basement since we didn't have a dryer. we didn't have an oven, or a VCR until i was 13, or cable tv, or a remote control. my sister and i shared a full size bed until she moved out when i was 16. assuming my dad sent his child support every month ($200 for two kids; we were lucky if we got $60), then my mother's total annual income (disability, too) was in the ballpark of $8000 (approximately the same as a semester's tuition to rutgers as of 1996).
we lived with my uncle. i found out when i was 16 that he had molested my mother when they were teenagers, but my mother had to live with him because we had no where to go. when my father left her, we lived in pennsylvania in an apartment full of rats. my mom had no one to watch us, which made it hard to work. she ened up in a mental hospital (again).
during my childhood, i didn't have medical insurance of any kind. i have scoliosis and horrible teeth and there was nothing that could be done for me. a doctor wanted to put tubes in my ears so i could hear properly. my mother almost died from gal stones.
we got hand-me-down clothes from relatives i never met; i wore those for years. i remember this one sweater, black with white telephones all over it. i also remember bags of crap from my grandmother's house, full of cockroaches. and visits to her apartment in trenton, full of cigarette stink and alcohol stink and the perfume of my mother's unease.
no summer camp, no dance lessons. all i wanted to do when i was growing up was learn to sing. i still don't know how, or how to swim or to ride a bike.
i was poor and disadvantaged. the horror stories get worse from here. i have limited sympathy for the plight of others. my adult life was turning into a shitstorm for while as well, but not anymore, and never again.
and that's how i feel about that.
"i hope you die..." -- Rx --
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sept 3
happy birthday to me... happy b.day to me. etc.
i had some angst going on on august 12th, huh? sheesh.
bought new pants and shoes for work= joy. haven't seen cathay in almost a month= sorrow. will see her monday= joy! joy! gas prices= sorrrow, sorrow.
i just haven't been computer-y lately. combimation of work schedule and whatever the fuck else, just haven't been on as much or as long as i had been.
mark and i had a few days off together for my b.day wknd. originally, we planned to go to dragoncon but good sense changed our minds (too much darn $$$). instead we relaxed, played nhl2k5, and went to the adventure aquarium which was awesome. they have a 40ft shark tunnel!!! and facehugger crabs that i refused to take pictures of... and penguins and giant sting rays. it was great. i never get tired of just spending time hanging around with mark.
cathay came to visit also. between my work schedule and her school schedule, we really aren't able to see each other very often. this is sadness. it regulates the relationship too much; instead of getting to treat each other to the best of ourselves and share a million wonderful and neat experiences and things, we have to cram a bit of column A, a tad of column Q, and some tenderness into a few hours. plus, we have fallen into a pattern of non-email. i seriously need to keep her locked up in my basement...
felicia sent me a kickass cd for my b.day. and she's coming to visit in november!!! now that halloween has started to bloom, my missing of her has grown. it's just not fall w/o felicia.
and mark finally decided to go to superhero city a couple sundays ago. he missed frank and some of the guys, so he spent an afternoon bullshitting and hanging out. that may have been misinterpretted as an invitation of sorts because tim sent mark an e-mail to apologize or something. mark wrote back, but we haven't heard anything else since. crazy boy drama. i'm not sure what tim's agenda is, and it really doesn't concern me. but in funny news...
tim bought a motorcycle and promptly crashed it. he broke his shoulder and got a concussion.
jason mraz and liz phair in october. *dancedance* working on a jigsaw puzzle and reading shadowland by peter straub. got new pants and shoes for work. we're probably going to restart our x-files viewing soon.
new season of lost starts tomorrow night!!! i am super excited. really have to get the dvd set to see all the extra features. i'm glad micelle rodriguez is joining the cast because she is so sexy.
speaking of sexy, i saw cathay on sunday. she looked oh so pretty and was wearing a white tank top that nicely showed off her ample bosom. we decided it was high time i met her friends, so after a quick stop in red bank to get my mom's b.day gift, we picked up her pal katie. i sorta wish we'd just spent the time alone since i hardly see her... plus, i was all cramps and blood. regardless, we had many adventures diner hunting and balloon pilfering before heading into chessequake state park (yes, cheesequake) and proceeded to get chased by both the blair witch and the jersey devil as we found crop circles. and we were 20ft away from deer. did i mention we got lost on the clearly marked trails? no polar bears, tho, thank God.
finally went to the doctor today about my headaches, which it turms out are indeed migraines. it's only been 12 years of over-medicating myself and suffering through work in anguish... he gave me pills from the office and a prescription; i go back in a month to see what's what. and i get to keep a headache diary.
vanessa is having dramarama. she has an insensitive control-freak boyfriend who may be cheating, certainly is lying, and probably has a drug habit. they fight pretty much non-stop. i invited her to come here, and i thought we were going to move her today and tomorrow... but she said no. and i understand that it's hard to pick up and leave and move on no notice, but if she doesn't leave now, she won't leave, and that scares me. there's only so much you can do for someone else, i know... i know, i know.
and thanks to the wonders of myspace, i know tim (or someone in tim's posse), still reads this. he put a blog entry up referencing my 'funny news' about his accident, vaguely referring to 'what kind of person' i am. which is ironic from the guy that still says it's funny to hold my face over the burner on the stove during a fight, but whatever. i am a mean-spirited, spiteful, grudge-holding, psycho bitch. which reminds me, mark & tim's e-mailing continued; they seem to be at a happy place. next step will probably be a face to face dinner/fist fight. joy.
so i know i've gone 2 weeks or more without updating in the past, but it sure is annoying to not be able to update. we were without the interweb for a bit due to some complications with our upgrade to dsl. so, i have not time to chat now... just wnated the world to know i am back!
better start running; the bulls are coming -- Rx --
