in other news, I finally quit my job. a bold and stupendous move, had i had another one lined up. again, < shrug >. did what i had to do, as i always do. things with the roomie are off and on, fighting and friendly. i'm a terribly self-absorbed bitch (finally!) and she's a martyr-type giver. getting my share of booty, as is Andy, and Dany, for that matter. (we've redefined 'redemption', haven't we, roomie?) Adam is so quite very the bomb. he's all little-brotherly in that used-to-have-a-crush sort of way. he baked us a cake. :)
my mom got a dog. weird.
there's so much to go into, but who has the energy anymore? most of my current drama is voluntary. i do not need any of the inevitable shit that will evolve from being with Andy. we are not in any danger of getting back together, but we are spending 'quality time' (which is why i'm in the office and his gang is in the living room altho i came over here to hang out with him... i guess i need to rekindle my affair with the computer) and yes, cynics, we are getting it on. is this retarded? yes. am i being played? 99% sure, yes. but is my heart really in any peril? not a little tiny bit. i never stopped being completely in love with him (eeew! gross!) and i won't stop, if we're apart or if i see him every day. makes no difference. and i do not care. i'm having a good time. so... < shrug >.
to any one who has been trying to contact me (Alana, for one): note that i am not ignoring you. my only communication contact is at the kindness of others. i cannot call write etc. whenever i want. and time here is limited as well.
they might be giants got lost driving around... -- Rrrx
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March 9
got a job...hey, Adam... what's yer e-mail addy? you should bring drew back around sometime; we had a fun game last saturday, did we not?
hmmm... i do not feel like talking.
"i thought you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive..." -- ReNee
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March 10
what's this? two days in a row! not that last night's really counts... i cannot wait to start my new job (warner bros studio store); gotten way too restless lately. having loads of fun. well, sometimes.
slept over here again last night. this time, i got to use my old bed instead of the futon becasue the 'new roomate' (hereafter referred to as 'the evil') got ehr own bed and no longer needs to sleep next to Andy. (note: i am not entirely convinced they aren't still banging... i haven't explained this story yet, have i? go here and here. i don't feel like geting into it. anyway, what i was saying is that i spent last night somewhere i never thought i would be again: in my bed, in my old apartment, with Andy, in his arms, all night. and you know what... i couldn't sleep.
added black streaks to my hair, just two, nothing major. no one but Megan noticed.
think i should go... i swear i'll tell me story one of these days...
*gigglegiggle* -- Rx
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marchy march 21
not much to say... still alive. had some demon problems but we're much better now... work has been okay. missed lorraine's thing but not on purpose. things are still on crack with Andy. < shrug >
BOO! -- Rx
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April Fools
have to clean the page up a bit; never feel like it when i'm here. much to talk about. the evil is being kicked out of Andy's by the end of the month. joy _and_ rapture.
as for my life... turns out that while i was waiting to find out if Andy was playing me, the good guy waiting in the wings played me instead and shut me out of his life because i didn't give up the booty. some little brother, Prince Fukkin Charming. but more on that later.
love you guys, but i gotta go.
need you dream you find you taste you..." -- Rrrrr
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april something like the 13
you know... i keep meaning to really sit down and work on this stoopid page. i crave it when i am home. once here, tho, i lose all motivation. why? it sux. more time passes, more filler i throw up, more work for me when i do actually fix it. i guess i am sparing the world my fast-paced see-saw soap opera; you don't have to read the daily neverlasting forever goodbyes and stuff. what i can't figure out is why when i am just about getting 'everything i want' do i feel so damn miserable? (i can't even use bold letters today; that's how sad i am.) doesn't help that i have to miss the ben folds concert with Andy _and_ the harwan tomorrow night. so i get to walk home alone at 11pm on a friday and sit around by myself while my friends have fun at the place i want to be. pity party!!!
i think i am slowly being eaten alive by insecurity. sometimes i feel like it's too late, like all these years molded me into icky person that i just cannot break out of. everything feels the same. i'm not a part of anything. all alone in a crowd, yadda yadda yadda. yes, people care and sometimes they even !like! me. but who has *really* known me? *really* loved me? who?
i often wonder... what are these chains that are holding me back? where do they come from? yes, it's all psycological illogic... and i guess awareness does not make me immune... but shouldn't it help? i understand much of what goes on in me, but i cannot stop it. i worry that i am truly fukked up, like in that turning-into-my-mother way. i am treated like a problem sometimes; those who care for me earn respect by 'putting up with' me. i try to be ok, to be who i want to be, and feel/act in accordance with my logic... but ohmygod that *feeling*. that 'something-is-wrong-listen-to-me' feeling. that 'just-beyond-your-eyes-and-ears' feeling. premonition. intuition. keeps me on my toes and proves itself right time and time again!!! so why ignore it? how can i doubt it? if it says the sky is falling and the heavens actually come crashing down... how can i turn a deaf ear next time around?
grrr. i just want the world to stop for three days and let me catch up to myself... and knock me the fuck out.
party's over. this rooms stinks.
the slave is freed from bondage only to find a stronger set of chains -- Rx
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may won
so much to say and life moving on so fast. cannot keep up at the rate things are going; trying, tho. all is well, or at least well, okay. money is tight, as usual, and it's time for me to figure out what to do about it. as for Andy's life, ding dong the witch is dead just about says it all. move out day for the evil was yesterday. i'm here in annoyance-free bliss. and we (that is, me and the Doc) are on trial non-separation; translation: we are back together, officially, for now. i think my ear thing, which i thought to be an infection, is going away, but still itches. in the long, drawn-out course of things, i probably lost Adam completely as my friend, definitely as my brother... and it is i (mostly) who is to blame. he is welcome to bitch me out at any time via e-mail or bulletin board so as to subject me to public humiliation. i am not ashamed.all's well that well... ends. -- Renee
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