i should not be left alone for an entire day, stuck at home, exhausted, with a library of moody music. i am *so* angsty right now it's ridiculous.
my last day of working 2 jobs was saturday. just in time for christmas! but i am making good money at the cd store, so hopefully i'll get some overtime hours...
porter's dropped off the face of the earth again. haven't been talking to jeff, either. but both jessie and gina called me recently. i should really call them back. i need to get in touch w/ my feminine side. been feeling really out of sorts lately, the way that i get when i want to do a lot of stuff that i can't do. it's been aggrivating because we're renting a car, which means we can get around a lot easier... but i am not allowed to drive it, so i am still immobile while mark gets to go wherever he wants. i feel jealous, and resentful, but not as much as at first, except for today cuz i'm restless as all hell. it doesn't help that i am so exhausted from working 50 hours a week for two months. it's hard to enjoy anything.
i send off my crappy-ass collection of poetry for that contest tomorrow.
i'd love to go to the club and dance my drunken ass off.
"sultry and corpselike" -- Rx --
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have i mentioned how much i love christmas? i do... even though i've been working like crazy. it's 10 hours less a week than i was working, but the pace is crazy. i am so happy about it. adam summed it up best when he came to visit me and asked, "how's it feel to be home?" it' not the most glamorous store in the world, but it's mine.
but about christmas, the tree's up and it looks beautiful. we got a fake one this year. when teased about it by my manager, i reminded him that the stairs to my apartment are lined with dead needles a year old. it's just easier this way, tho i do feel like a bit of a sell-out. i've also put up candles and other pretty stuff. i'm a regular martha stewart.
jessie and i went to a diner, and i met her new man. he's cute and funny and he suits her well. we're going out clubbing thursday. it'll be good to get out and do some dancing, but i'm such a home-body that i feel almost agoraphoibic about it. i'll be out late, without mark, somewhere new. scary stuff. i am very grateful, tho, that she and i are still friends, and that we're patching things up. go us.
adam came to visit (see above) but that's all the contact we've had. i should call him to try to fit in some hanging out, but i can only handle one at a time. annoyingly, his page is not up, so i can't even cheat as a friend.
things with mark are (sorry folks) fantastic. i'm *still* waiting to find out about the motherfucking insurance; regardless, money stuff is good, even though we're paying a shitload for the jeep we're renting. he won another painting contest for warhammer, this time earning a prize worth over $200. go him. i don't think we've been fighting; i've put extra effort in trying to not take things out on him that have nothing to do with him. not easy. almost two years. amazing.
porter resurfaced a bit. at least he's alive. spoke to jeff on-line once or twice. also alive. my ex alex (also jess' ex) works at the game's store mark goes to on sundays, so i saw him yesterday. been in touch with gina, sue from high school, lorraine, and grover recently. it looks like i'm popular but usual i'm just hiding.
bought the first season of the simpsons and buffy, and the new tori cd and the cd for this guy jason mraz who is totally awesome.
that's all the boring details i can think of.
waiting for my rocket to come -- Rx --
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went out and got my goth thing on with jess and her man-toy haze thursday night. it wasn't as crowded or big as the clubs i'm used to, but i didn't really know anyone there and that was good enough for me. brian hung for a bit and his pal ken was there, but mostly i just stood around. jess dragged me onto the dance floor where i danced. it was good times. mark wasn't too much of a spaz about me going out w/o him to the sexually charged atmosphere of the club. good thing too cuz i intend to go back. it's not the same as it used to be; i've grown out of the angstiness of it all (mostly) but i am still a freak, so it's still my kind of place. i feel terribly out of sorts with the world these days. it's not that i don't have friends (or nearly-friends) but i just don't feel in tune to anyone anymore. i don't want to sound like i am a unique snowflake but i'm certainly one-in-a-million. who do *you* know that's just like me? well, anyway. i'll always be compromising some part of myself and i'll always be doubting those decisions. such a fucking gloom cookie.
"girls don't like boys; girls like cars and money" -- Rx --
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well, it looks like we've made it through another year. honestly, i cannot believe it. can you? would you ever have expected it to go on this long, really? against all odds, defying all prophecies, despite so many people's wishes. hell froze over and pigs must be flying.
mark and i have been together for two years.
my apologies to anyone who bet money we'd split. my condolences to anyone who held their breath. we are currently rock-fucking-solid and we get better everyday. this is one thing that is going well. hooray.
my glasses broke. this is one bad thing.
i've been down. sad, sorta. depressed, not really. mopey and gloomy, some. pms-ing? probably. just feeling lonely and lacking in some way that i do not know how to fill. that is another bad thing.
making my own cds is many good.
black converse all stars w/ flames for Christmas is a pair of good things.
no word yet on insurance - bad!
i am going to walk to the library tomorrow. plus.
where do they all come from... all the lonely people... -- Rx --
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feeling very dumb about all those things that i have done dumb in my past. this is not a new year's nostalgia trip... i was just on andy's page... so i am also feeling grateful for the path i have chosen, since i no longer walk the road with him. that is not a spiteful comment; looking back i just cannot see why we chose to be together in the first place. he has some new special person (the knowledge of this makes me feel oddly tingly and warm inside, like my entrails feel asleep; pins and needles) and my inner cynic (bet you didn't know i had one) wonders how many lies he's told her and how much he is deluding himself. i am reminded by my inner optimist (there's the real shock!) of all the things people said of mark and me, that some still say. i guess i am just amazed at how much changes, how far off the mark (no pun) we really are sometimes. shuffle.
here is a list of things i have gathered from people from my past and for which i am grateful:
God / Tool,Ben Folds,Toad the Wet Sprocket / my first tattoo
Sword Of Truth,Borderlands,Catcher in the Rye / bugs&hisses / Buffy
Chinese food /The Tick / Lorraine's Rate-a-Man /Camel lights
more more more -- Rx --
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so i realized a couple days late that my virginity-losing anniversary was on the 14th of this month. to celebrate my 8 years of fucking, i was going to list here everyone with whom i have had the full extent of sexual relations (oral only wouldn't count). i passed this idea by mark, and so the list shall remain unposted. however, here's some statistics:
- 2 Christophers, neither of which i called Christopher
- 3 females, who don't count because i said no oral-only
- 1 Mark, who will hopefully be the last of the bunch
bought mark a warhammer table for our apartment and a $70 model only available to buy in the u.k. and on ebay... in theory, i might have my car by the end of the month. work is boring, but in a good way. saw jason mraz in concert and that was cool. got a cd label maker kit and have made cd labels of almost every pic i've got on the computer. it's fun. i am bored, boring, and lame. life is good.
peace out -- Rx --
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what to say? whole buncha nothing. jeff had his annual cult movie overnight, which i managed to attend. i looked forward to a day i could spend with old friends, meeting new people and dabbling in my double life of debauchery and sin. turns out i'm too normal. i didn't fit in at all. had nothing to talk about with anyone. made me realize how lonely and sad i am, and how badly i need some hobbies. so tomorrow i am going to sit in at the barnes & noble poetry group. i am not sure what i think this will accomplish.
my car is being fixed again. naughty car.
i am trying to make up a bunch of words to go together that i will like and that i will think soounds pleasing and that still has something important to say and that finds a way to speak to you personally and i am beginning to doubt that i ever knew how to do that at all. i am trying to find a way to scream inside so loud that you can hear me.
i hate being bored because i know there are a ton of things i could do and more i should do. but i always feel like doing all the things that i cannot or should not. so instead i watch a lot of crap on tv.
oh yea. and my glasses broke so i bought two new pairs.
"my teenage angst has served me well" -- Rx --
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so, it seems that although i had a disappointing time at jeff's party, all i can think about is next year's. i've sorta inserted myself onto the planning committee... when i doubt jeff was planning anything at all. hey, i needed a hobby!
didn't make it to the poetry thingy, but my car is (mostly) working. it's a very un-cool '89 mercury tracer wagon, but i plan to fancy it up a bit. i wanted to get these magnetic flames but they're $60 (not worth it). all i have so far is a NJ Devils window cling.
going to another Devils game next wednesday...
mark and i spent a couple nights at home watching the first season of the sopranos. not only was it nice to lay around on the futon, but it was also nice to see mark embrace current popular culture. we've also been having wicked good sex, which i am only mentioning because i am really horny right now.
mark needs the phone line...
give me life, give me pain -- Rx --
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