feeling better.
all i have to say right now is that i am very happy that i have this open public forum where i can, do, and have shared my innermost feelings, my most embarrassing thoughts, and my craziest life dramas for the past seven years or so. i don't even know many of the people who check the site or read it (here's a shout out to anyone from the liz phair message board and jeff for the recent link on his page), but those that do have endured posts about me getting my period, cheating on past boyfriends, my depressingly broken heart, and my disgustingly happy current relationship. i appreciate whenever anyone reads this and the courage it takes to know me, since everyone is fair game for a post. this is my diary, my therapy. i only hope i can keep it fun for you guys, too.
"these are my nasty little thoughts... -- Rx --
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it is rare that i am alone this time of night. it is twenty past 11pm, friday the 13th. i had work from 2pm till 10pm; it wasn't the normal friday night at the mall, but it was holiday weekend crazy... and what a stupid holiday it is. oh, sure. i put up a blurry picure of mark and one of my valentine's ring, but that does not mean i care about tomorrow. i most likely will work an 11 or 12 hour day and he plans to be out with the boys, as he is now. we live together and spoil each other all the time; no need to buy crap now.
even though i just had a vacation, i'm excited for the time alone. i'm never sans people in the evening or night. mark was home last night but we spent some time apart, so i watched thirteen. i am very glad that (although i used to cut myself) i could not relate to her life. i have to call my mom and thank her for not letting me out of the house. i know that when she brought her boyfreind home it caused all sorts of problems; had i been younger i might have gone fucko, too. it was a very good movie, though; i think evan rachel ward deserves an oscar. and the liz phair song at the end was cool beans.
did i even mention that i saw big fish sunday night? my pal jay came over from pa, so we picked up felicia and went to the movies. it was exceptional. i was happy that there was a really neat story involved and that it didn't rely on the visuals alone; ewan mcgregor and billy crudup were splendid. (it's adjective paragraph!) did i mention that it's hard to type when you have nails? they're just long enough to hit all the letters around the letter i want. but it's fun to have girl hands. did i mention how fun the hockey game was? it was exciting to see some of the players i've seen on tv (skyrlac! ahonen!). plus it was the first game we've been to this season, plus it was our anniversary game. we saw miracle the other weekend, and that was awesome. and the all-star game was this past weekend, too. yummy hockey.
the dvr has proven to be such an asset. i already couldn't fathom tv without it. i've got tons of stuff recorded or set up to be recorded. chased by sea monsters was totally cool; there's a jack the ripper special i'll watch tomorrow. we'll never miss the sopranos. we recently rented (via netflix, which if i haven't mentioned is freakin' awesome) season 4, so we're caught up. now we've started on the x-files. four episodes down... hundreds to go.
you know how i was all angsty about having friends recently? yeah, well. my recent foray into girlville certainly ended badly. i have nothing against anyone, really. there a bad vibe now, though, between some of us, and i personally don't feel like doing anything about it. and sadly, although felicia didn't dump me last week, she had to put me out to pasture this one. it's not really her fault (a bit hers and a bit mine, i suppose... but i'll blame it all on andy); she's *NOT* an asshole. as i said before, it was doomed from the start. this has me feeling quite sad. i have a horrible track record with friends and loved ones and i often have a hard time getting along with people. excluding her man, i think felicia and i were very compatible. contrary to what everyone seemed to think, i was not trying to bang her, and it was nice to not have that weirdness (it was replaced by the she's in love with my ex weirdness, but i was okay with that). i know that my presence was a strain for him, but i don't have much regard for him, and so find this all very annoying. she was put in a tough spot and made the only decision she could; sucks for me. at least i'll save money from her birthday.
anyone out there know who isle of q was? one of the guys is my store's sony rep. i knew he was cool already because he brought us presents all the time and had a fun loving attitude, but he's also a rockstar! he brought in a cd yesterday that i am very excited about. girl by the name of nellie mckay. good stuff. joe, if you're reading this, you must hear this cd! i will make it so.
guessin' that's about all for now. it's 12:07am now. amazing it took me that long to write this nothing.
I LOVE YOU, MARK -- Rx --
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*yawn*
just made a pretty cool mix cd for myself that i've been kinda planning for a couple weeks. got my nails re-done yesterday. car washed. transferred credit card balances. worked on a jigsaw puzzle and bought two new ones. been cross-stitching. went to gina's to watch the last episode of sex & the city; didn't cry as much as i wanted to. first 8 episodes of x-files done; saw secret lives of dentists and deconstructing harry and wasn't too impressed with either. hosting an oscar party on sunday night. fingers crossed that doug slack will write back about the cult movie overnight. even though he's finished, mark won't let me post pictures of his newest warhammer models. i dragged him to mystic river which was boringly disappointing; go lotr. i'm very excited because netflix has the firefly series. and i talked to my mom some more about working on my book.
*yawn*
i get the job done -- Rx --
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i feel compelled to update since i changed stuff at the top of the page. there isn't much to say. i listened to poe's haunted cd today (well, from and to and from work, yesterday and today). it's an interesting listen. makes me want to finish reading house of leaves; apparently they go together. i've had too many things i want to do these past couple days which leaves me feeling unsatisfied. plus, i close tomorrow and saturday, with an exhumed show on friday night... and the oscars sunday and d&d (hopefully) monday... so after tonight i'm booked till tuesday. bleck.
for the record, gay people should be able to get married.
g'night.
i'm amazed -- Rx --
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it's just about 6pm on sunday night and i am waiting for my guests to arrive. i am downright giddy about the oscars and i am not sure why. maybe because i think johnny depp (*swoon*) might actually get one, and i await the joy of lotr winning in all categories. my day was very nice. mark made me breakfast and woke me up when it was ready, then we ran some errands, and watched runaway jury. right after gina called me and asked me to come see her new house, which is gorgeous. her boyfriend and one of their relatives/friends did all the work on it (painting, etc.) and it looks great. two floors, decent size backyard. a deck. i am very happy for them, since they've been living in a tiny garage for years. that brings me to the present.
friday night proved to be very interesting. brian and i went to the exhumed films show expecting to see a zombie triple feature. however, the nice folks at the broadway somehow forgot about it and double-booked. so, for just $10, i got to see passion of the christ and burial ground. sadly, i was in the mindset to see gore and silliness, so i found it hard to not giggle when the raven pecks at that dude and to not appreciate the blood. also, due to the overwhelming media hype, i had trouble separating the visuals from the thought of mel shouting "fall down again now!" or "no, monica, *more* tears!" overall, i thought it was a good movie. can't say i understand why it had to be made, especially at the price of $20 million. i do believe in God and accept Jesus, but i don't feel closer to Him because i saw some guy pretend to be him and pretend to die. my faith is unconventional, i suppose. selfish and greedy, for sure, since i don't attend church or spout scripture. it's very important and personal to me, though, and the intensity was not lost on me. the first scene, where we see Jesus afraid and shaking was one of my favorite parts of the film, and of course the "forgive them Father" scene moved me. mostly though, it felt like a movie and not a religious experience. it didn't seem controversial to me (maybe since i am not Jewish?) and i thought that violence, if historically acurrate, was awesome.
and that moment i've been waiting years for where andy and i are somewhere together happened, too. good thing was that i got to ask felicia about my money (looks like we're swapping stuff this week sometime). i dunno how things would have been if she and i hadn't had our half-year friendship, or if she hadn't dumped me, but it was anti-climactic. oh, sure part of my wanted to trip him when he walked up the aisle. part of me wanted to go talk to them as tho we were all good friends, just to piss 'em off. but those were little petty parts. i sorta wanted that disgusting sick-to-your-stomach rush of pure emotion so i could pound out some good poems to read at the overnight, but... nothing. i thought about the signifigance of one of the prizes being one of the first exhumed movies, which was when i met him; it was insignifigant. i've said before that knowing felicia helped me get over the residual feelings, and i guess i was right. whatever is left that i feel is between me and myself; he's not involved. which still leaves me sans new poems. maybe i'll go sulk over... johnny depp (*swoon*).
that's all i've got for now.
fuck you and your untouchable face -- Rx --
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everyone else seems to have one of these, so here's my first:
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!
for the first time in two years, i am home sick. woke up crapping and puking at 4:30am. haven't stopped. in a lot of pain. gotta go do some more of those now. hope you guys are all better than me.
gross out -- Rx --
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okay, so i made my quizzie too hard. next up will be level 0. it brought me tons of joy to see how many people (and who) took it already. there were some surprises... esp. the anonymous dude. after that, i'll make level 2 which will include dirty questions.
speaking of friends and non-friends, i stopped at felicia's today to swap items. it was our official break-up day. part of me wanted to bring over everything she ever gave me and get rid of it in a one-part bitter, one-part sad display of well, bitter and sad. the other planned to sneak her a few gifts and mixed cds to show i still care. in the end, i decided to (and this burns me up, i tell you) respect andy's wishes and make it a clean cut. i wasn't sure how she'd be (i kinda cornered her at exhumed and didn't give her a chance to emote), but didn't want to give her the impression that i hated her. one day, i'm gonna rant fantastic about how i feel, but i don't hate her. so, my point is, she gave me a hug and it felt mighty sincere. it made me feel better.
speaking of feeling bad, my stomach is still a mess. i wish i'd taken off today, too; it seems that one manager wanted to avoid his district meeting and the other wanted the overtime pay. i should take sick time every week. but next wednesday there is an assistant's meeting that i am dreading. more on that later. now it's time for bed.
have you checked this out yet? -- Rx --
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confrontation. contrary to what you might think, i do not really like it. i believe in honest open communication but i don't like when the shit hits the fan. even at work, doing retail for the past gajillion years, i get a surge of adrenaline when problem customers arise. my hands get shakey and my voice cracks, even when i am not that upset. even when i know that i am right or that i am going to give in. i don't like to fight when it isn't personal or when the personal is apocalyptic. so life lately has been pretty suck-ass for me, since i work every day and the past month has been full of confrontations.
new neighbors moved in above us this past november. well, technically, they moved in on halloween, which mark and i had off together. we knew they were here because they parked in the driveway so no one could come or go from the house. (there's spaces behind the house to park, and that's a whole other complicated issue where there isn't enough room for the cars that are there but these neighbors have their friends park out there when they visit... grrr.) it's a couple, and sometimes her kid is there, too. the first weekend they moved in they made a decent amount of noise, for which we forgave them. but they're always banging and thumping up there; the chandelier shakes from it. one night shortly after they arrived, mark banged on the ceiling when they were loud. otherwise, we've kept it to ourselves. unfortunately, at least once a month they also have company and party till at least 1am. and seriously, we don't mind a little talking and laughing noise, but you can tell when people are trying to be quiet and they aren't. at all. you can tell this because when their guests leave (stomping down the stairs right outside my bedroom window) they procede to yell and holler outside. this has woken us up and kept us from sleeping at times.
we're old people and go to sleep around midnight, except on rare occasions. when we do have people over, they're gone by 11:30pm, and we try to keep it down because i like my downstairs neighbors. i know i didn't fall asleep last night until after 1am due to their noise; we were woken up around 3am again. at 4am, i had a confrontation.
i got dressed and carefully made my way up the rickety dark steps to their door. *knockknock* dude comes up to the door and i can smell the beer. i asked if they could shut up. he said, with shock, what? i explained that we could hear them downstairs and that they had woken us up over an hour beforehand. his response was to claim that we make noise, too; we play music and have friends over. i mentioned that we're usually in bed by midnight and reminded him that it was 4am. he said he thought he was being a good neighbor by not complaining or banging on the floor when we bothered him. i reminded him that he had woken us up at 3am and that it was now 4am, and let him know he was free to ask us to quiet if we're getting out of hand. he assured me that he would do that... and kept talking at me, saying 'we'll be quiet'. i said, start now. SHUSH! and made my way downstairs. and, not surprisingly, they were not quiet. i am operating on itsy bitsy scraps of sleep.
what a fuckwad. ignorant no respect motherfucker. is there anyone out there that thinks it's ok to be obnoxiously loud past midnight in an apartment in the suburbs? to dismiss your neighbors that share your house? we called our awesome landlady this morning and she is wicked pissed at them. apparently they're her worst tenants ever. now, though, i am nervous. the confrontation left me feeling vulnerable. i don't know to trust them, and my car is out there, they have access to my mail. they might decide to be louder now. who knows? at the time, i thought he'd throw me off the landing. bonus is that mark keep calling me Brave, which is one of my favorite compliments (next to Wise, which jeff called me this week.
i've got some projects for the overnight to work on: directions, gothing to hand out flyers, write poetry to read there, etc. i am as excited as mark is nervous. i'm still bummed that i can't bring felicia (there's that name again... maybe from now on i'll call her tricia). last year i planned to be more involved in this year's and i wasn't, but i think jeff likes my ideas and how i am trying to execute them, so i should be able to co-coordinate next time. plus, i might help tim get some bondage nookie, and that makes me smile.
dawn of the dead (ya know, the *real* version) is out again on dvd, so i'll be doing a showing of it here before we go see the bad version in theatres. i'm really pissed off about ozzfest; i can't justify the expense of it but i'd really rather attend than work it. i'm sure all the seats are sold out anyway, so now there'd be no point buying tix to sit on the lawn.
gotta go watch zombie horror. play nice, kiddies.
inconceivable -- Rx --
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