lovely day at home. i like it when they are spaced this way, just 2 or 3 work days between. fuck your 9-5, M-F. i get to see sunshine on thursdays.
went to the club with brian and tim to distribute flyers for the cmo. although i couldn't msuter the courage to dance, i had a splendid time. i was *thisclose* to talking to a girl that in the dark from a distance appeared quite cute. tim got a hug from a cute young gal because of his strong bad t-shirt. there was temporary drama this week; mark accused tim of trying to steal me away. it seems that my social calendar caused him to question whether he offered me enough fun and craziness, and he projected these worries onto tim who he feared could provide me more yummy instability. turns out i'm happy being with mark and tim does not want to date me. he thinks i am crazy.
no more confrontations (yet) with the neighbors.
mark has vacation next week, which means we'll finally make it to go see rotk again. darn 3.5 hour movie.
here's the playlist for my newest mix cd. it is cathartic.
of couorse you are -- Rx --
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i want to update but i don't have time.
the cmo was awesome.
twinkle twinkle little star -- Rx --
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*stretch*
*yawn*
what a freakin' two weeks i've had.
i put a lot of stress on myself about the cult movie overnight, but it overall seemed to go a lot smoother than i had feared. tim and i arrived early to help set up but managed to avoid any real work after that. he almost got to play eddie in their rocky, but wasn't feeling up to it. might have something to do with our lack of sleep. the night before we were supposed to meet jeff for dinner around 9pm; we actually met up after midnight, and i got home around 2am... which means i got 6 hours of sleep before being up for 20 hours for the cmo. there were some neat-o things there and some neat-o people, plus tim was really good company. mark and i slept most of sunday away. i think that was the last time i slept...
my store got remodeled this week. not like totally done (no new rug or paint job) but new fixtures and new layout. it's so pretty. the suck-ass part was all the hours we had to work. between monday and today i worked about 60 hours. sadly only 12 of them will be overtime pay. wayne and damon didn't get off any better; they had to stay till 3am on thursday. needless to say, i am beat. i've got some emotional issues to boot... but i can't complain there since i had 2 long island iced teas with dinner at the outback last night. we went with a group to see hellboy which was pretty good. i liked the part with the kittens.
i feel like i don't have anything to say, which is what always happens when i haven't had much time to write. i've been acting funny lately- spending time alone after work and driving around. there's a lot on my mind but i don't feel like i can really talk about it. i feel some sense of propriety, as though i don't want to be embarrassed by having a problem. this is not usually the way of me; i am kinda open and sorta blunt. i maybe i think no one will believe my side of the story. ??? maybe i'm just tired. whatever. do not fret, my pets. all is right with the world.
did my time -- Rx --
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i forgot to mention before how absolutely kick ass the liz phair concert was last friday night. i've gotten to see her three times in the ten years that i've been a fan (once with andy, once last summer with wayne, and last week with brian), and it was so worth waiting for. she did a lot of old songs (started out with a rockin' version of "flower") and didn't have the obvious stage fright of the old days. still can't compare to seeing her at the tiny tla, but i was pleased.
and now onto all the bad shit.
mark accused me of dating tim today. i cannot say this is an unfounded accusation since he and i have been spending a decent amount of time hanging out (lunch on monday, and the club last night... after which we watched natural born killers at his house... and might i add that it was fucking awesome to see that movie again after many years... which meant i came home at something like 5am). it doesn't help, i'm sure, that i told mark that i might leave him. but am i dating tim? no. if i end my current relationship, does the thought appeal to me to ever love again? no. do i feel tried and spent? yessir.
see, it's been non-stop for me since i was 16, one lover after another. (i've been, one could argue, "everybody else's girl".) i've often doubled up my men, if not tripled, and i've slept with almost everyone who would have me. it's not right to say i regret my prior life choices, but it's not that i am proud either. mostly, i am thankful for the lessons learned. i know who i am now a millions times better than i did (or could have) when i was a kid, and the people that i have spent time with have all exposed me to something new. but when i think of a life without my current, what i think of first is a good book, a cup of cocoa, and my cat. anyone who says they want to date or fuck me is getting decked.
and why some of you might be asking, am i even thinking of leaving what i have proclaimed to be the world's bestest relationship? because it's not, silly. let's see you date a guy whose friends call him satan and see what you think. i don't want to get too specific; i don't have one thing to pinpoint. it's just worn on me all these years that i don't trust him. i feel hollow. i wish i could disappear for a while and be alone. i've thought about getting a hotel room for a week. i can't really take any time off from work now (at least until next month, if we have staff). i am not even very sad or angry. after drinking last night, i cried a whole fucking lot; it felt great. i wept for life, not just over mark, but for how bittersweet and cruel it is to find and lose people. i am so blessed for everything i've had, but there's so little to show for it. i mistreat my loved ones, or they mistreat me. i've come very far in the past few years and i think that i love (as a verb) mark spectacularly well. this makes me happy. i even believe that he loves me, too, in his way. just as much as it makes no sense for him to lie to me, it makes no sense for him to have been as tender as he has been if he did not truly care. there's that crazy sad thing about trust-- it's all or nothing.
he says he assumed that i slept with jeff when he came to visit a couple years ago. i did not.
he said he'll do anything to make me trust him; i told him that i want to gather all his friends in a room and interrogate him on his lies. he says he lies to them all the time because he doesn't wish to share the intimate details of his life with them. i said i want to watch him come clean to people who trusted him, people who think friendship means something more than having people to play games with. i know i am far more open than most people, more honest and blunt and shameless. i just want to know where the lies end and my life begins.
this behavior's not unique -- Rx --
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not saying much now. not much time to say anything. been keeping busy and working a lot. living at tim's now; not in a relationship with mark anymore. i am doing ok. looking into getting my own place. will probably take a few months. in the meantime, i'm catching up on fun. eventually i'll return all my friends phone calls and e-mails, and update here with entertaining angst.
sometimes... -- Rx --
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no confidence/ not north-by-northwest/ no, no direction at all
my brain needs rest so i suck/ in this breath/ relaxation by death and smoke/ in my eyes
off the cuff and i jump/ frying pan to fire or/ back again
you make the lies seem beautiful/ when i am tired of/ thinking for myself
you make this life seem wretched when i/ wide awake pay attention/ when i walk away
you make me/ regret nothing/ when you say you love me
when you say you love me/ logic denies
or something.
quote "now that we aren't dating i have no reason to lie to you" end quote
spent some hours with mark this evening. we discussed my sleeping with tim and his sleeping with strippers. it was a pleasant talk. i feel it brought us closer together. we discussed my going back to him and me not going back to him but us sleeping together exclusively. i cried until i felt better and he called the bruise on my face and the bruise on my chest repulsive. he admitted lying but not which lies he told. he said he wants me to be happy, and that tim is not a bad choice, but that tim and he are the same kind of person and that if i don't want to be lied to, i should not be with tim. i told him that tim and i discussed getting our own apartment and i became unclear as to my reasons. he accused me of using tim for his money. i tried to explain that i must survive and that i think tim is swell and that those two reasons can coexist. i explained how i don't have a wide array of choices of where to go and he said i wouldn't have left him if there was not a new man to go to. i said that even if there is no lily pad, sometimes a frog still jumps. if i had stayed, wouldn't i have regretted it? wouldn't the doubt and the paranoia driven me crazy? do i not deserve peace of mind? isn't the risk of emotional annihilation down the line reason enough to run the fuck away? fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, and i am bound to start drinking.
disintegration -- Rx --
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"home" alooone and it feels good. was supposed to go see van helsing with brian but had one of my death headaches today and felt i should take the night to recover. i am positive i'll be all better by tomorrow, so hooray. trying to figure out the staus of my finances. it appears my whole life is getting overhauled and i'd like to be prepared. so very tired.
i miss mark immeasurably, not that anyone would believe me. not that anyone understands why. i am having a pretty darn good time with tim; it's almost as though i am living two lives at once. i find it hard to breathe when i am at work. i can't wait until i have my cat back. i cannot wait until my present is past.
it'll do you good -- Rx --
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my cunt is aroused by the thought, but fucking you would make my soul sick. and i guess since i am getting laid and getting hit makes it easier to avoid that temptation. you still think that your words charm me but each one is a cliche knife that tears the walls if my heart. you have been violating my love for you in ways i still cannot comprehend every day of each year and expect me to believe that you want me back and that i matter. and i don't really care what anyone says or what anyone thinks about what i am doing.
it is such a secret place, the land of tears -- Rx -- ___________________________________________
my life is a storm.
left in my wake -- Rx -- _____________________________________
sometimes i measure my life by the cds released during my time at the music store. i've been through 3 beastie boys cds, as of tomorrow.
things are moving along. the pre-move tension between tim and i has declined and been replaced by not having sex tension as we await our new bed. my new store is pretty good, although i dearly miss my old one. finally bought a new cell phone but the search for new work shoes yielded supergirl sneakers. still haven't quite caught up to myself, which means not catching up to anyone else either. i promise, eventaully, i'll call and e-mail back...
i think we're off on a blinds-buying adventure. ciao.
And I Think I Hate You -- Rx -- _____________________________________________________________
*yawn*
*stretch*
as always seems to be the case, i end up pretty much internet-less during times of crisis. well, i'm back. actually, i have to go to work, but i'll be back later. i promise...
because i built my life around you -- Rx --
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precious time alone and i almost cannot wait until he gets home. it makes no sense; i push and pull at tim like i've never before. what is it that i want? what is it that i need?
and did i mention cable modem?
i should write more. i should write at all.
she's not breathing -- Rx --
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i need to archive badly. blah.
dodgeball was a super-super funny movie. go see it. we're seeing spidey 2 tomorrow, hopefully, with joe pringle and maybe quiet brian. i get to work at moorestown the next 3 days, which means i save $$$ on gas and tolls. awesome. been mailing alana semi-consistently. so far, so good.
we *finally* got our bed. now i have to figure out my clothes situation. need more hangers and some kinda closet organizing thingy. maybe a shoe rack (for all those shoes i'm gonna buy with the bill money). tim and i had our first big fight about money, and have starting arguing about sex. hey, at least it's not about mark. (always the bright side.) did i mention that mark reminds me of the skeksis? creepy.
too tired today to hate -- Rx -- __________________________________________________________________
may 18
changing homes, men, hair, stores. everything, all at once.
i stand still and let it whip me.
i do what i must; i do what is next. i do what i should never do.
the crowds are watching, waiting, laughing. placing bets and telling stories.
the wind pushes me forward and i go where God wants me.june 14
june something... 10th?
june 29
july 5
