well, hello, everyone.
i am boring because i am content, but i guess that is ok. been attending cult movie events again. saw one of my high school best friend's older sister at the mall; i really should call her before her august wedding. watching futurama and family guy a lot. ordered a shirt from the jason mraz site; going to another show in june. mark's tendonitis has been acting up. can't wait to see the matrix reloaded. sure wish someone would take out the old furniture. my car started squeaking again and i bought my mom a bird feeder for mother's day. and i am addicted to playing free cell.
"our policy is if for any reason you are not completely satisfied, i hate you." -- Rx --
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hrmph. so, apparently, i am the antichrist.
i am attempting to decipher if the lesson i am learning is: all people suck, that you cannot trust a word they say (even to your face), that you cannot trust their actions (even when they have 'deeds not words' tattooed on their collarbone); or if i am truly un-likable. it seems that even though i have attended at least 75% of mark's d&d games over the last 2 1/2 years without hearing a single complaint, certain members of the party feel i am a distraction and i am unwelcome in their eyes. based on the he-said/he said bullshit i've heard so far, the biggest problem lies with big bryan. (considering the ball-less-ness of these fellas, i'm sure more people voiced opinions against me, but mark called them on it, and no one else seems to want to side with bryan now.) these boys seem to need high school drama; almost every week there's something that comes up. i am having trouble respecting them, since they never said a word to me or to mark about it, and since i fail to see how i am any more of a distraction than anything else that happens there. mostly, my feelings are wicked hurt that these people treated me with kindness they did not feel. i can't trust that any of them are my friends at this point. but that's ok; i called terri and gina yesterday, and plan to call eileen and lorraine before the week's out. 'out with the new, in with the old', as they say.
listening to jason mraz; going to the show at the end of june. bought a t-shirt, pin, and sticker, too. there's an exhumed show on the same night as mark's tournament next month. that blows. dunno what to do. work's going ok. hired a new girl. mostly everything is fine.
"i need a big loan from the girl zone" -- Rx
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hrmph. so, apparently, it may not be as bad as i think.
joe told mark he enjoys having me at the game, and even though tim said one of the most hurtful things (in response to my question of where i should sit, he said behind my back, "at home"), he claims he doesn't want me to stop attending. the back story seems to be that they've all been bitching about my presence for about 6 months. bryan had left the game, and recently returned, and apparently felt i had been a distraction the whole time. as far as i know, mel, the new guy that replaced that girl that i didn't want playing, is the only one who may not have said something. most importantly is that mark refuses to let me play the whiney martyr and stop going. it's nice to see i rank above d&d now, even though i didn't when i didn't want kat to join. *shrug* we'll see how things go monday.
GO DEVILS!
we won the conference finals; stanley cup finals start tuesday against my other favorite team, the mighty ducks.
time for pizza.
only the strong survive -- Rx --
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ah, yes, there we go. that's more like it. more drama. i saw ris today. and i am more upset that i was not more upset than i am actually upset? i'll bet.
he was timid until he started berating me for seeing someone else's husband. least of my sins, considering circimstances. of course, now i am left to wonder what he was doing visiting me in the first place.
went to the movies with wayne after work today. saw a way depressing movie called blue car. it was a bit cliche in some ways, but it was refreshing to see a real movie (read: artsy) for a change. the lead actress was phenomenal. and the poems were pretty good. (good enough that i am hoping to get some of my own down tonight.) mark's game is tomorrow night; wish me luck. listening to jimmy eeat world. it's a much more beautiful cd than i thought it would be.
"if you love me at all, don't call" -- Rx --
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so i try and i try, but it just doesn't work. damon says i talk about andy too much, but that's mostly becasue we swap life stories during slow times at work (which is all the time)... but then things happen and i have to tell the new stories, for the sake of my adoring public. (that would be you.) so first, i had this stoopid fucking dream the other night, about rob, andy, and alana. it think it was spurred by some personal issues regarding alana and mark, and since alana and rob kinda go together in my mind, they were both there. i guess andy was there because they're the three people who have really hurt me in my life, and my subconcious thought i could use a little agony. the dream was run of the mill dream stuff, but i woke up feeling gross. then i thought i saw andy's car when i was driving to work. grr! i thought. then mark tells me that his pal chuck has a copy of the new liz phair cd that he got from andy, but that i can borrow... like i want anything that came from him... which i do in this case because it's the new liz phair cd. so then, i stop at work today to drop something off and wayne tells me that andy was in my store last night! in my store! where i work! where i worked when we got together! so, i am wicked thankful that i was not in last night, and instead at mark's d&d game (where no one complained about my presence). so all of this really means nothing. it took me friggin' years to get other boyfriends out of my system, even ones that didn't mean as much. i think what bothers me, and what often has drawn me to things in the past, is the 'don't touch' syndrome. i'm not sure why we're so hateful of each other (assuming he reacts to me the same way i react to him). last time i actually talked to andy (i had some stuff at the old house i wanted to pick up in oct. '01), we were very friendly, but we have no contact now. fundamentally, it seems wrong to hold someone so close to your heart and then just throw them away. that's why i have kept as many people from my past in my present as i have, but lately, it seems i've sifted through a lot of baggage and dumped it on the pyre.
good news is that i have the new liz phair cd.
devils are tied 2-2 in the cup finals.
mark's got tournaments later this month. good luck, honey!
"average every day sane psycho..." -- Rx --
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so it's crunch time, that crazy part of summer where mark has tournaments. usually, being with him for these events is my reward for putting up with him preparing for these events. sharing in the excitement makes it worth the hours of neglect. sadly, it's also about this time, right before the big events, that i can't stand it any longer. everything he does pisses me the fuck off. i don't know if it's more irritating for me or him. he can't enjoy himself, but i feel guilty. but anyway, this year really sucks because my work schedule interferes. he goes to philly friday 13, saturday 14, and sunday 15. i work friday till 5, and saturday till 5. so, blah. i can see the awards ceremony on sunday, but it'll feel a bit empty. and the following weekend he goes to baltimore friday and saturday; i'll meet him there saturday. see, i miss almost everything!!! WHINE! after that, though, he'll have free time again, and i'll be posting all the fun things we'll be doing together. or i'll skin him alive.
"and i feel like shit and i wanna go back to bed" -- Rx --
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whew. one down, one to go! mark came in 3rd in painting at the philly GT. i'll post the link to the GW site if there's anything neat to see there. next wknd should actually turn out pretty fun; brian's going to baltimore with me and we're gonna visit the zoo, or something. cool beans. i've got off next monday and tuesday. can't wait!
forgot to mention:
the mraz concert i wanted to go to got cancelled, which is good cuz i had to work that night. i'll probably go get my next tattoo soon... as soon as my laundry is done i'm heading off to the mall to ask out the cute girl that works at hot topic.
i still take the trash out; does that make me too normal for you? -- Rx --
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so, today we had fun. we woke up kinda early, had a mcdonald's breakfast, and then saw finding nemo, which was freakin' awesome. possibly the best pixar movie yet. then we played a quick game of mini-golf, after which we returned to the movies and saw 28 days later, which was very disappointing. not as bad as the hulk. well, maybe. then we came home and had a late lunch, fooled around, and he left for d&d. i went to the bar with gina and her bf bob and two of their friends. now i am home listening to liz phair who is touring with jason mraz. is there a more perfect concert for me?
i am totally enjoying the new harry potter book. decided to take a break from the massive wheel of time series.
OH! mark won the tournament in baltimore!!! he made first cut in the painting contest, but didn't place. he was totally robbed tho, cuz the model that came in third place was crap. i'll put links up some other time. eventually i'll finish the site i started for mark...
anyway, congratulations, googly-bear.
*that* should embarass him nicely.
"everytime i see your face..." -- Rx --
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