i have tomorrow off. i have to see it as a gift. i know i should have called lorraine already, or at least sent an e-mail, but i have not. it is our holiday, she being the only one who understands at all what it means. even if i explained, i couldn't explain. it's not just a day about him, but he's all over it anyway. can you believe time? eight years that we've tried to spend this anniversary together; it was nine years ago, almost to the day. i remember when there wasn't enough time between my present and my past for the pain to have subsided. it is sad sometimes that now there is; the pain becomes a new pain. the joy is proportional.
i love mark. i love(d) rob, and i love(d) andy. i felt many things around and in-between. but *my life* started nine years ago, almost today, and lorraine is the only one who shared that with me.
32 minutes to go.
fate's a bitch -- Rx --
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and this shirt i am wearing, it is 9 years old. who else keeps clothes this long? the ugly shirt, the shirt that says 'pove'. it's a little small on me now, this long-sleeved baby doll shirt -- my first in that style. i remember how happy i was when i found it, at boscov's, when i was back-to-school shopping before my junior year. had i already bought my baby doll dress, the one that made everyone think i was pregnant? i was so happy that i was going to be able to dress "grunge", that my mom wanted to buy me combat boots. i guess it was worth whatever it cost, this shirt. to me, it's priceless. i wore it 9 years ago today, with the pleated black skirt i bought that same day, my white tights, and a pair of mary janes. i wanted to look really cute. after all, i was going to visit my sister up at rutgers and i wanted to impress brian, the goth boy down the hall. lorraine came with me; i think we convinced her mom we were seeing the college. instead, we saw interview with the vampire.
and lorraine spent the night with brian in his room and i spent the night with rob, brian's friend who drove to the movie and had held my sister's hair back while she drunkenly puked the night before we got there. i fell in love with rob that night. he filled the emptiness inside of me; he woke up the comatose me, made me live. you've heard how close people finish each other's sentences? that first night, we did. and we watched the sunrise form the 8th floor of the north tower. we didn't fuck, but we made out. he fingered me, i'm sure, but i'd had no real experience pleasing a man, so i did nothing for him. i didn't think of the danger, alone with a strange man, no one knowing where i was. i never felt like i was in danger with him. not until it was too late, anyway.
and the next few days were drama of comic proportions. brian's roommate bill accused brian and lorraine of fucking on his bed. his proof? dried toothpaste stain. and my sister hated rob and brian never called lorraine and in about a week i got a letter. we met at the mall and talked on the phone. two months later i gave him my virginity outside in a field, on his trench coat. and in short time, everything magic fell apart and all the love turned to pain.
but if i hadn't gone away with lorraine that weekend, i doubt i would be alive or semi-sane or saved today. there's a plan; fucked if i know it. but i thank God for putting me where i needed to be when i needed to be there. it hasn't always been easy, but i try not to wallow. after all, i know that in comparison i am lucky. i never died.
haven't seen barbados -- Rx --
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oh, it took me almost forever to update.
so, the current drama involves our refrigerator. it broke. this is exciting because we get a brand new one. this is suck-ass because we won't get it until wednesday at the earliest. this affects my food budget because i have to buy more food (which i have been doing anyway since the fridge at work broke and i've been eating in the food court for weeks), which affects my holiday budget (more goes on the credit card... grr). and since we're changing the kitchen i want to buy a baker's rack. such is life. but i put the Christmas tree up, and it looks pretty. have more decorations to put up, maybe tomorrow, since i have two days off in a row. black friday wasn't so bad really, and mark's been extremely supportive. he got up and made me breakfast, called to check on me. he was upset when he saw that i had to go to work at 5am one day. i can't imagine how he'd react if i worked theresa's hours at target.
speaking of theresa, and meg, we're going to the nutcracker on thursday. girls night out; we're so wild. but i am very excited. i haven't seen it since high school. we went to chuckie's for thanksgiving, which would have been nicer if there was room enough for a sit-down meal. poor fella is blessed with more friends than can fit around a table. it was nice to be with people for a change, even if all they did was play multi-player x-box and watch football. we left early to go see timeline but didn't make it. then we were supposed to see it saturday but i fell asleep and we bummed around the house instead. it was kinda crummy that i'm off today because i am bored out of my relaxed mind. i watched beautiful girls which was pretty good; i loved rosie o'donnell's rant on silicone women. heh.
did i mention that i joined netflix? so far it's been really cool. as long as i send them back promptly, all should be well. it's odd that i think i'll send a movie back quicker than i would drop it off at blockbuster up the street. as long as i order 4 a month, it's economically sound. in the past 2 weeks, i've had 6. so, good.
mark and i went to a king diamond concert on the 13th. it was awesome. one of the best shows i've seen, in a theatrical sense. i just wish i knew more of the songs. they did my favorite, tho, as the last song: "no presents for Christmas". i experienced the most joy in the world when i looked over at mark, out of his element in the bar of the troc at a smokey concert with strangers, and saw him smiling wide, singing along, and bobbing his head. i love my baby. (which reminds me, so far our vows are, "you are butt; you are basf." and i *think* i found the ring i want.) before it got too crowded, we were able to cuddle on the steps. it was comfy. he wanted to see if we could get free tix to the mushroomhead show but i forget to call. oops.
we went to dinner with meg & eric last weekend, which was cool. i wish we spent more time with them, that i had more time to get to know meg. i had a drink so i'm not sure how goofy i was. but anyway, we wandered the cherry hill mall before dinner, and i found a used copy of suspiria on dvd for $10. i was so excited. when i brought it to the counter, the guys were floored that anyone was buying it. apparently, it got sold back about an hour before and they were curious about what kind of horrible movie it was. as they're ringing me up, this man behind me chimes in about how great it is, and he can't believe that i got to it before him. (quote to his wife, "it was here, and she copped it!"). never underestimate the amazing drawing power of suspiria.
and on that note, i bid you a-do.
something creepy about Mother and tea -- Rx --
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so the intent was to rant fantastical for about an hour about mark. i *think* i'm all pms-y, so i'm over-emotional, but it's a good time to give the devil his due (pardon the expression) since we're 2 days away from 3 years. i had this plan as i slipped off to sleep last night, after an amazing round of sexual olympics, to really annoy everyone with details about my perfect relationship. i swear, if i videotaped us and showed you our day-to-day life, you still wouldn't believe me how happy we are.
but then, right before i woke up, nightmare. so instead of waking refreshed and cheery, i feel sick to my stomach. sometimes the icky feeling fades after i've been up for a while, but this time it's doing some lingering. fucking annoying.
mark and i are doing truly well. we haven't had a real true fight in about 6 months, and even that was mostly a crazy-girl-thing. he's taken very good care of me during the holiday season, making me breakfast most mornings and making me take medicine while i was sick. we agree on almost everything in regards to money, home, future, religion. i respect his hobbies and he respects mine. he tolerates my whorish flirting and i find his complete lack of pop culture knowledge endearing. we have some political disagreements but that just helps me learn new perspectives. he never talks down to me or makes me feel stupid. he makes me feel like the single most sexy woman on the face of the planet. did i mention how cute his dimple is?
well, i hope you're all annoyed at my update. i promise the next one will have more info. i feel better, tho, after thinking so much about mark.
i am the luckiest -- Rx --
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blame it on anything: the new year, my anniversary, hormones, watching the last five hours of season 3 of Buffy... but i am all-emotions today. listening to pearl jam's vitalogy tho, and feeling suddenly less so. punk rock nee.
on the tails of my last entry, mark and i had a major fight and almost spilt up. we'll blame that one on my hormones. things were peachy keen by the next morning, and we're all set for celebratory bliss tomorrow. sunday we're going to the bug exhibit at the science museum. hooray!
apparently, i've also been unreasonably opinionated lately. (me? no!) part of my fight with mark was about my very anti-drug stance. a friend of ours regaled us with tales of his pot use, which earned him a swift tongue-lashing from me (not the good kind), which has led to melodrama. after the friend left, mark basically called me a hypocrite because i drink (rarely) and smoke (regular cigarettes, also rarely). i feel there is a significant difference between those things (we'll start with legality) and mark's 'straight-edge' lifestyle doesn't allow him to understand that. at the same time, i do see his point. i've never said that alcohol and tobacco were in the good column. and so, my pretend resolution this year is to cut out both completely. this simply means a bit more will-power, and a firm state of mind, since i'm hardly around either. i also need to excersise more, so it's an overall healthy affirmation.
but anyway, now this friend is all pissy that i have judged him. he says that i thought he was a fine person, but he was smoking all along, so where do i get off changing my mind? i understand that there are many, many people out there that do it, and worse. well know this, everyone of you: i think you're all gross. i have other friends who use, and i hold it against every one of you. it's an aspect of your lives that i find disappointing and unecessary. i don't expect you to change for me, or care what i think. i also don't want anyone to hide behind some dumb guise (as this guy did) to avoid my wrath. i only respect people with the balls to face me. mark's upset that this guy might not be friends with us any longer due to my attitude. despite how anti-drug he is, he's still willing to ignore it. boys-- all about the avoidance.
so, anyway. i have today and tomorrow off from work. things there are ok, and will be better in another week or so when they go back to normal. i'm looking at a week's vacation a the end of january. we also got a new fridge, so i'm back to saving money on food. there've been some sales contests going on throughout the holiday and my store's made $1000 in prizes. i can't wait to see my part of that (maybe $300, if i'm lucky). my big thing is trying to pay off my credit card debt. the little things, like that bonus money and my tax refund, will really help. i've got a great new budget planned for the new year. i'm sure it won't last too long. i'm itchin' to buy like a hundred dvds.
been playing alice a lot lately. which reminds me i have to call brian. started reading blood games by richard laymon, one of the books mark got me for Christmas. did i mention the autographed liz phair cd? my baby loves me.
well, i go to to write a grocery list and shred documents. be safe tonight, and have fun.
already in love -- Rx --
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