i want to write but i don't want to touch it, that it, those its, all those things i feel that i don't feel that i have to in order to create something. and if i am creating a feeling just to create words... what happens if it stays? i feel its taint on me now. makes me sick and euphoric. i hope it passes. i know where the line is now; i am afraid of the line. can i pull myself back up over the edge? i don't want to go down there. i don't want that to be it. why did anything real ever have to happen? why couldn't it all just be fake teenage love and obsession and games?
i have to go to work.
i don't care if it hurts... -- Rx --
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feeling much better. poem posted. feedback welcome.
been selling stuff on amazon. made some decent money. enough to almost pay for my tori/ben ticket. also intend to see eve6 and liz phair/jason mraz. also working lollapalooza. we'll see what i look like with a tan.
my fucking car broke down again. decided i'm gonna sell my comics. guess i should tell brian i don't need my box @ legends anymore. finished harry potter, and another richard laymon book. there's newer new one i bought but i'm saving it. decided i need to buy all the toad the wet sprocket cds. got mark a new game, return to castle wolfenstein. he's happy.
okay, so i'm still in a wicked weird mood. and i'm home alone adding fuel to the fire, listening to all kinds of weird music, trying to call out some more personal demons. when i'm in a better mood (i'm really very happy... why can't i be sad?!?!) i'll tell you all about going to the museum and seeing pirates of the carribean and how i might get to play in a d&d game.
baby baby baby if it's all right want you to rock me all night -- Rx --
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it's as tho i puked. got a lotta that sewage outta my system. thanx to alana for letting me bounce it off of you, and to mark for listening and not complaining. and to God of course becasue i always believe.
got my car back. you'd think i'd been driving my whole life and had to go w/o it for months. it felt incredible. mark doesn't understand how being able to drive has helped my personality, but it gives me confidence and independence and i fucking love it. i do so much stuff on my own that i either never did or only did w/ people holding my hand. yea, car!
so, pirates was totally awesome. great d&d movie, which leads me to the other thing. mark's friend chuck wants to run a game with newbies, and i am invited. also on the list are kat, the girl that got kicked out of mark's game, and andy's new girlfriend. i am totally up for it. and, scout's honor i intend to cause no mischief.
also i went out gothing last night. met up with jessie and hitman scott while i was there, but spent the first couple hours alone. it was so much fun. i kinda got lost in my way home, cuz i can't read street signs. i also saw some friends from waldenbooks there. this is a perfect example of something that i did all by my lonesome that i never would've done w/o a car. but don't worry, i'll be back!
can't wait to get newer pics of me on here. that one up top is... 3 years old. and i have new glasses now. most of the time i look dumb in pictures. often i make stupid faces.
OOH! did i tell you we went to the museum? we saw the reptile exhibit and the acadamy of natural sciences in philly. they fed the alligator snapping turtle and the nile crocodiles while we were there. we also walked thru the butterfly exhibit (please check all clothes and handbags for hitch-hiking butterflies) and saw my favorite dinosaur t-rex. we're gonna go back for the bug exhibit in october, when we go to the zoo for my birthday... which is in september. but it's too hot still then, so we're going in october.
mark and i are doing very well. i looked back on my old entries when i was with andy, and it's sad how quickly we were fell apart. i know mark and i had rough patches, but we had the strength and the resolve to get thru them. or maybe we were too lazy to make any big changes. who knows? i don't want to be all sappy. i've never been this far into a relationship before (2.5+ years) and i never knew it would be this easy, or this hard. it's all so very liz phair. and on that note, i leave with a snippet of a tori lyric.
"...girl you have your own..." -- Rx --
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i guess i'd forgotten how nice it feels to update often. getting my tori amos on, to venus and back. trying to familiarize myself with her cds that i haven't played to death. home alone tonight; feels so good to miss my baby. was watching a movie called quills about the marquis de sade, but the dvd stopped playing. so, here i am instead. this is fine as well. i stopped by andy's gf's site before this, and there were 2 items of note. one, she got laid off, which means they are both jobless (to my knowledge). and second, she said, "I didn't know that anyone out there gave a damn about reading my journal unless they were on my friends list. It's wierd to know that other people care/ give a damn". yes, it's quite a rush to put your life out there and have little fish come to bite.
thinking of maybe going for a drive. still need to get my stereo fixed in the car; that way i could take my tori with me. i made the ps2 remote work again when that was broken. maybe i can work my mojo on the cassette deck? shouldn't get my hopes up.
i've got to go to a wedding. eileen, one of two high school best friends, is getting married on the 16th. as the date gets closer, i get more and more nervous. it's not my scene, you know? but it's important to me to be there, and not embarass myself, and all that. scary playing dress up kind of day.
maybe i'll go write some more poems.
fiercest calm i've been in -- Rx --
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my, but it's a good day. i feel young and it feels like the fall (at least inside in the air conditioning). things started crappy, with traffic on the road and at the bank and blah blah blah. but they got better at lunch; i crystal lake diner-ed it alone (best burger in the world), read more of bk 4 in the Wheel of Time series. got home and found out the concert i was going to have to work tonight was cancelled due tothe rain. so i put in best of johnny cash and followed it w/ rockin' the suburbs by ben folds, both of which i bought last wknd. i cannot believe how good the ben is. it's like a happier Reinhold Messner, which i can finally listen to w/o crying. i am totally psyched for the tori/ben show on the 26th. second row, baby! it's the best concert month for me, between that one and liz phair/jason mraz. still dunno if we're going to adema/powerman 5000. and i worked at lollapallooza, which would've been cool except that i was in the sun for 7 hours walking around screaming my head off trying to sell cds. i didn't eat all day, and didn't sell much either. sadly, i sat inside with a bad headache when i could've been watching incubus, audioslave, & jane's addiction for free. of those, it would've been neat to see jane's, and kinda cool to see chris cornell... but no loss. i've got ozfest thursday which has me excited and scared. i'm not looking forward to all the urine. but damon said there's a lesbian sex booth, so it won't be all bad.
so it seems the site's been getting a lot of traffic lately. i dunno if that's from links, between alana's site and jeremy's (they both have more friends than me), or all my friends are just really bored and checking out my page twice a day. i know i can see some of where people come from (site stats; yipee), and wonder if, since i've been reading andy's gf's page, any of my traffic is coming from their camp. dunno why they'd care, unless they were concerned why i was web-stalking her, which i kinda was cuz i thought i'd be playing d&d w/ her. which i'm not. but i still check the page because it's neat to remember what it was like to be a 17 yr old girl. time flies.
so, my cd shopping spree. i bought: johnny cash and ben folds, the new eve 6 which didn't impress me, south by heather nova (good!), lion & the cobra by sinead o'connor (good!), and bread and circus & in light syrup by toad the wet sprocket. i also got bug's life on dvd, but it doesn't play. bought mark a buncha stuff, too. speaking of him, we've been doing really good. going out a bit more and seeing movies. sadly, all the movies stunk (LXG, TR2, whatever else).
and i went to the gynocologist last night. it was remarkably wonderful experience. everything seems to be in order, and i got a prescription for birth control pills. it's almost like i'm a real girl.
and the ac in my car stopped working. gr!
i fell into a burning ring of fire -- Rx --
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